The following excerpt from a chapter of my latest book, How To Have Mind Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain! looks at the issue of sexual myths and zeroes in on the major myth of penis size. I thought it would be great to have my on-line readers celebrate my book’s first year in publication (August 2011). For more great reading on sex, follow the link here if you’re interested in purchasing the kindle version from Amazon. For paper-back editions e mail us: firstname.lastname@example.org
Extra Large Condoms and Other Urban Legends: De-Bunking Popular Sexual Myths
Men are savage sexual beasts who are always ready to have a go at it and women love to say “no” when what they really mean is “yes” with a capital “Y”. If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve had your fill of these and other sexual myths or misconceptions. How can we hope to enjoy the best sex ever, if our minds are filled with faulty ideas and ill-conceived notions about male and female sexuality? I contend that unless we get our “stinking-thinking” right, we have a challenge on our hands. I am not simply talking about our flawed ideas about the sex act itself or about the logistics of sex but at a deeper level, I’m thinking more about our ideas and attitudes towards our own sexuality.
For example, as a child growing up, there was a popular notion that women past a certain age didn’t enjoy sex but “gave it up” as in surrendered it for more worthy pursuits, usually described somewhat euphemistically as “serving the Lord”. So peri-menopausal or menopausal women regularly believed that subsuming their sexuality at this point in their lives, was a preferred behaviour. This was after all an integral part of the self-sacrifice which resulted in higher levels of spirituality; or so they thought. Conversely, notions about male sexuality emphasised an instantaneous readiness for sex that did not depend on knowledge, relationship or even polite conversation; and to boot, this insatiable hunger changed little with age! As a result, while women were being taught to subsume their sexuality at varying points in their lives, men were being taught to unleash theirs, regardless of the consequences.
I believe that there are many social cues relayed through casual conversations or learned through observation which continue to have an impact on the psychology of sex. Although space will not permit us to challenge each faulty notion which may exist, we will continue in this chapter by attempting to unravel some of the more popular misconceptions which can impact our sexual self-concept and by extension affect the way we navigate our sexual relationships.
MYTH 1: The size of the male penis is paramount for a woman’s pleasure.
FACT: There is a standing joke that there really is no need for extra-large condoms because such men who claim to need them, really only have extra-large egos. Whether you agree with this evaluation or not, there is no denying the fact that we live in a phallus-dominant society (that is, a society where everything important to man is built to resemble the penis). From the design of lipsticks, to pens, to gear-shifts and the obvious Obelisk in Washington, phallic symbols abound. This slew of everyday tools and implements designed by men, are thought to convey their ever-present obsession with their penis.
Let’s face it, men are not only seemingly defined by sex but they place great stock in the tool designed to do the job. I distinctly remember as a young girl growing up, noticing how many males would regularly cup or cradle their genitals when talking in social settings as if there was a constant need to affirm that it was still there. While some may think that this behaviour is ample proof of Freud’s “castration anxiety” theory; (the belief in an unconscious fear of penile-loss which develops during childhood and lasts a lifetime), I believe that it also confirms men’s tendency to externalise their sexuality.
The over-externalisation of sex involves a spiritual-emotional disengagement with the sex act by focusing primarily on the sex organ as the “tool” which does the job. In this paradigm of sex, it’s the penis doing the work and not necessarily the man per se. It is this type of thinking which has contributed to the obsession with penis-size. Not only do men believe that the size of their penis relates directly to their ability to give sexual pleasure but many women have themselves bought into this notion. Failure to reach a climax for these women, may therefore lead to the complaint that the “penis was too small”.
The fact remains, however, that the greatest sexual tool needed to enjoy great sex is the brain. How we feel about ourselves; our sexual self-concept, our ease and comfort with our sexuality and our thinking patterns with respect to sex, have a greater part to play in our enjoyment of the act than any old penis. It is a medical fact that the vagina is not a gaping hole to be filled or plugged; it is an expandable space. This simply means that it will normally adapt and adjust to the size of the penis which enters it. For women who have had children and who may experience some sense of “slackness” (actually overt stretching of the vaginal wall) this can be remedied by the regular exercising of the pelvic floor muscles (imagine stopping your urine flow) and by the selection of sexual positions which allow the female’s legs to be closed. For example, the couple can lie on their side, while the husband enters his wife’s vagina from the rear.
The overt reliance on the male penis as the source of all sexual pleasure has placed an undue sense of responsibility on men for the extent of female pleasure. Right thinking women, nonetheless, must own their sexuality and understand that the responsibility for their own pleasure first lies with their brains; their thinking of and attitudes towards sex. If you’re a man, a healthy, functional view of sexuality should also mean that you understand that women are far more concerned with how they are treated and valued in the context of a relationship, than they are with pure penis-size. The sexually whole woman wants to make love to her husband and lover, not just his penis.
© Copyright 2011 Denise J Charles.