Are You A Size Sexy?

 

Size Sexy

 

“Fat is not the Kryptonite of sex!” Rebecca Rosenblat, Sex Therapist.

Those of us who follow the adventures of Superman, understand the impact of Kryptonite on Clarke’s ability to be super and strong. But does “fat” have a similar impact on our sense of our sexual selves or on our partner’s ability to enjoy us? Unapologetically, I say it most certainly does; not, however, because of some intrinsic flaw in having a few pounds or curves. While “fat” may not actually affect our ability to be sexy, what we think about it often does.

While some men may have a well-known preference for thickness or for the prominence of certain assets, many of us women still go to great lengths to ensure that our body size matches those images which are usually fed to us via popular culture. As a result, our sexual confidence is affected. So does size really matter when it comes to our emotional and sexual health?  Honestly, I do believe that we should all strive to be our better selves. That often includes shedding some pounds, getting into an exercise regimen, becoming more toned, eating healthier meals and getting adequate rest. In an ideal world, this is where we would all love to be. Being our better self, however, also includes knowing who we are outside the definitions of media, family, friends or sexual partners.

Each human being is special and unique. As women, we need to feel comfortable with our own sense of style and with our expression of our sexuality. This is going to be very difficult to accomplish if we are constantly beating up ourselves because we don’t look like someone else’s version of sexiness. Yes, I’m entitled to feel great if I’ve accomplished a weight-loss target but should weight-loss define my happiness and sense of self? Of course there are women with metabolic, thyroid or other medical issues which may make weight-loss a challenge. But even for them, self-validation is important. While our bodies are our windows to the world, we are in many ways more than a body. There is personality, soul and spirit.

Losing weight to make you healthier or to feel more energized is actually great. Doing it to “fit in”, to appease or to keep your partner, is another thing altogether. If a woman needs to move from an eighteen, sixteen, or fourteen to a six, to feel that she has suddenly struck gold as an individual, it’s possible that her sense of validation is shallow and overtly dependent upon externals. Anything will shake the foundation of a woman who can only feel fabulous when her dress size conforms to common media stereotypes. And why do we even encourage the double-standard since our men are usually nowhere near perfect? This striving for an elusive perfection is what is damaging to our sexiness. It can also rob us of the body-confidence we need to really let go in the bedroom or where ever our sex is happening.

What attracts a man to a woman is not the number on her dress tag but her wonderful personality and sense of sexual self-confidence. This makes her riveting and unforgettable. No matter what size you are as a woman, it is important that you learn to engage your incredible sexual energy in positive ways. The following tips could provide that head-start:

  • Strip naked and look at yourself in a mirror. Decide what you like and affirm yourself; for example, “I love my butt”, or “I have great breasts”. If there are attributes that you would love to change, devise a realistic plan and timeline to make those changes a reality. If you’re totally happy with what you see, then more power to you.
  • Think about your core personality and of the things that you feel passionate about. Find ways to engage your passion and your dreams. When we are emotionally fulfilled because we are connected with our purpose, it shows up in our walk and our talk; instant sexiness!
  • Treat yourself to a “spa-day” even if done at home; a facial, manicure, pedicure, re-locking or perm can go a long way to boost how you feel about yourself. See these things, however, as enhancers and resist the temptation to be totally defined by them.
  • If you are in a committed relationship or marriage, discuss the concerns you may have about your body-image with your partner but “own” your body and the decisions that you make to improve it.
  • Do not accept emotional abuse from anyone on issues of weight-gain. Those who truly respect you will lovingly affirm you, despite what you look like. When advice is offered, it should be non-threatening, non-derisive and sensitively communicated.
  • Understand that sexiness is a state of mind. Learn to love yourself, warts and all, by affirming that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and by thinking positive, sexual thoughts. A woman who really loves herself is ready for some good loving.

Why Some Women Need To Be “Bitches” In The Bedroom

black-woman-thinkingOur responses to sex and our own sexuality can be as complicated as they are mysterious. The truth is, we don’t learn about sex in one fell swoop. Our attitudes, behaviours and responses to sex are often a hodge-podge of multiple influences over time. The traditional socialisation of women as the more genteel and nurturing of the sexes, has meant that many women end up feeling very conflicted about their own sexuality. The media is very good at portraying the sexually liberated woman as one who is aggressive, seductive, in-charge of her own sexuality and virtually willing to claim what she needs in order to have her sexual needs fulfilled. So can the good-girl be “bad” without really being bad? What happens as a result of this anomaly?

Many women, unable to reconcile this female “tigress” with the kinder-gentler-nurturer, feel an overpowering need to adopt a new sexual personna in their heads, in order to feel sexually gratified. This is especially true of women who are mothers or for those who have been raised in conservative environments. But all women, regardless of what they have inculcated about sex, being the natural, sexual, creatures that they are, long for great toe-curling sex. They do so want to swing from the chandeliers in absolute ecstasy and many are willing to surrender who they “normally” are, in order for this to happen; even if they experience some emotional conflict as a consequence.

Such women will therefore ask that their partners address them as “slut” or “bitch” or “whore” during sex, because that is the personna or alter-ego in them, who can orgasm and scream the house down; this is what their psyches have been trained to do in order that they may “let themselves go” sexually. Much of this is, however, influenced by media-driven imagery, the reading of erotica or by the viewing of porn which by the way, studies confirm, is a growing trend among women!

In some women’s attempts to ensure that this “wild sexual animal”, does not conflict with the socially induced perceptions of what it may mean to be traditionally feminine, there is then an overpowering need to separate these “two” women. This explains why the” whore” fantasy is so popular with many women and becomes an arousal and orgasm-inducing prop. Some may argue that there is no harm in such a fantasy; our minds are made for imagination and we should just let ourselves gravitate towards whatever will bring sexual gratification. After all, why should a woman explore her sexuality as a good upright and moral citizen, who nonetheless deserves some good loving, when she can metamorphosize into something much “hotter” and in keeping with today’s media-driven sex-industry?

While there may be absolutely nothing wrong with using our imaginations in wholesome ways, should I have to become an individual who on a normal day would conflict with my value-system, just so that I could get off? This I believe can be damaging both psychologically and spiritually. If I am sexually whole, I should be able to enjoy great sex from a point that embraces my genuine personality and physical characteristics. So whether school-teacher, waitress, housewife, priest or power-broker, I should know that I am beautiful and loved and deserve a great sex life, in the context of my relationship. This does not, however, exclude our acknowledgement of the fact that our attitudes to every nuance of skin tone or hair texture, can also influence our perception and acceptance of ourselves as beautiful, sexual women.

At the same time, it is also important that we explore our innate attitudes towards sexual inhibitions and our need to be more free of them. Our sexual re-education should include our de-bunking of the myth that somehow “bitches”, “whores” and “sluts” have a monopoly on great sex. Being free to embrace our sexual “tigress”, without having to give up something in the process, should be the hallmark of the sexually well-adjusted woman.