As sexualized as our culture is, many of us still hold erroneous beliefs with regards to sex. One of those primary beliefs is that a woman needs a man with a big penis to feel sexually satisfied. It has even been said that some women are, at times, unwilling to relinquish a man who on all counts may be a real jerk, simply because his claim to fame is a large penis. While the philosophies which may guide those pursuing casual sex and those interested in commitment and marriage may be entirely different, the idea of the large penis being correlated with great sex, still holds sway in the minds of many, regardless of their relationship status.
There is a standing joke that there really is no need for extra-large condoms because such men who claim to need them, really only have extra-large egos. Whether you agree with this evaluation or not, there is no denying the fact that we live in a phallus-dominant society. From the design of lipsticks, to pens, to gear-shifts and the obvious obelisk, phallic symbols are everywhere. Let’s face it, men are not only seemingly defined by sex but they place great stock in the tool designed to do the job.
Haven’t we noticed how some men, somewhat unconsciously, seem to touch their genitals when talking in social settings, as if there is a constant need to affirm that the penis is still there? While some may think that this behaviour is ample proof of Freud’s “castration anxiety” theory; (the belief in an unconscious fear of penile-loss which develops during childhood and lasts a lifetime), I believe that it also confirms men’s tendency to externalize their sexuality.
The externalization of sex involves an emotional disengagement with the sex act by focusing primarily on the sex organ as the “tool” which does the job. In this paradigm of sex, it’s the penis doing the work and not necessarily the man per se. It is this type of thinking which has contributed to the obsession with penis-size. Not only do men believe that the size of their penis relates directly to their ability to give sexual pleasure but many women have themselves bought into this notion. Failure to reach a climax for these women may, therefore, lead to the complaint that the penis was too small.
Actually, the greatest sexual tool needed to enjoy great sex is the brain. How we feel about ourselves; our sexual self-concept, our ease and comfort with our sexuality and our thinking patterns with respect to sex have a greater part to play in our enjoyment of the act than any old penis. It is a medical fact that the vagina is not a gaping hole to be filled or plugged; it is an expandable space. This simply means that it will normally adapt and adjust to the size of the penis which enters it. For women who have had children and who may experience some sense of “slackness” (actually overt stretching of the vaginal wall) this can be remedied by the regular exercising of the pelvic floor muscles (imagine stopping your urine flow) and by the selection of sexual positions which allow the female’s legs to be closed.
The overt reliance on the male penis as the source of all sexual pleasure has also placed an undue sense of responsibility on men for the extent of female pleasure. Focussing on the genitals also restricts the level of ingenuity or creativity a man is able to bring to the bedroom when it comes to lovemaking, as it downplays the skills he may need to develop with his hands and or mouth.
Right thinking women, however, must own their sexuality and understand that the responsibility for their own pleasure first lies with their thinking and attitudes towards sex. By turning her focus inward to her own pleasure-centre, a woman can learn how to surrender and release herself to sexual pleasure and own her sexual experience as an enthusiastic participant. Dwelling more on what she brings to the experience also puts her in a frame of mind to give pleasure to her spouse, as she feels a greater sense of sexual empowerment. For men, a healthy, functional view of sexuality should also mean developing the understanding that women are far more concerned with how they are treated and valued in the context of a relationship, than they are with pure penis-size.
Adapted from How To Have Mind Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain by Denise J Charles