SEX! From Boredom to Best Practice

 

 

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If you’ve been married for a while, chances are you’ve experienced some level of bedroom boredom. Like any often performed human activity, sex runs the risk of becoming routine and predictable. While we may choose from a variety of natural responses, if we really want to tackle this relationship challenge, it may mean stepping outside ourselves a bit and evaluating how we tend to respond. This is needed before we can craft our way forward to a what I will call sexual best practices.

The Auto-Pilot Response

This occurs where couples mostly have sex when either half-asleep or half-awake (just a matter of perspective). Sex occurs as a matter of course, pretty much like the necessary bodily function of going to the bathroom. There is absolutely no effort at creativity or ingenuity extended into the love-life. Sex is brief, functional, perfunctory and release-oriented;  pretty much along the lines of that well worn expression “wham-bam-thank-you-mam!” The missionary position becomes etched in stone and sometimes the wife can even do the grocery list during the act, if she can get her eyes opened wide enough.

The Sexless Response

Couples go sexless when the cares of life become so overwhelming that sex is no longer worth the time, work and effort. This couple begins to function almost along the lines of a brother and sister. There may or may not be a certain sense of warmth between them but life has become so centred on the activities of family (children and in-laws) that this couple has actually lost all sense of being a couple. In this response pattern, the practice of not having any sex (or as little as twice a year), is not necessarily a well-thought out or deliberate response. It usually occurs because one individual loses his/her desire and the other capitulates because he/she gives into a feeling of powerlessness in the situation.

The Nocturnal Headache Response

This response occurs when there is a simple lack of common sex, I mean common sense. One partner (usually the woman) gets locked into complaining of a nightly headache, while failing to realise that she’s having that headache precisely because she has not had some good sex in a while and perhaps needs that great orgasmic release. No seriously, the headache response reveals an escape-route mentality. Of course I am not denying that there may be times when illness may prevent partners from experiencing a good roll in the hay but that’s not the point here. Barring genuine illness, partners can become locked into various excuses as to why sex does not happen. “The kids will hear us”, “the dogs are barking”, “my mother lives next-door”, “there is a hole in the ceiling” all become viable reasons as to why sex should be circumnavigated. While this sex-avoidance behaviour may only be perpetuated by one individual, it becomes a significant road-block to sexual intimacy since it definitely takes two to tango.

The Roving Reporter Response

Perhaps this is the most lethal of responses to bedroom boredom. It occurs when one or both partners begin to look outside the relationship for the sexual excitement which they know is lacking. The partner or couple who gets locked into this response may not be necessarily interested in leaving the relationship. There may be a sense of security in knowing that they have built a life together. They perhaps share a mortgage, a car loan, kids, pets and the list goes on. What they don’t share however is an exciting sex life. When sexual boredom has set in and there is a lack of dialogue on the matter, the result could very well be a tendency to inspect the grass on the other side. This is a response that is grounded in laziness and a self-serving agenda. The energy, spontaneity and ingenuity that is often required to make an affair work, had it been applied to the marriage, would most likely have resulted in  a re-kindling of the sexual fires. The self-serving partner is however looking for a quick fix and working on a relationship can be time-consuming.

The “I Want to Have Great Sex With You” Response

There are couples who love to have great sex, and I mean with a capital L. There is however one condition. They only want to have that great sex with the person to whom they are committed. Sex for such individuals is not an end in itself. It’s not a case of “any sex will do”. They are not into trading vaginas and penises for their own personal aggrandizement. Do such couples experience boredom in the bedroom? Of course! Their boredom could be as palpable as the next guys. What distinguishes their response however is their level of commitment to the relationship and their intuitive understanding of the value of a good sex-life to the health of the relationship. Because they understand the basics of relational health, they are, therefore, willing to put in the extra work to alleviate the bedroom blues. They also understand that love is really about putting the needs of another individual before their own. This means that if each partner focuses on what to do to please the other sexually, then the result is likely to be one sexually fulfilled couple.

Regardless of the response mode you and your spouse may have found yourselves in when it comes to the bedroom blues, the following tips represent a starting point for your continued sexual renewal as a couple:

  • Schedule lovemaking sessions; especially when there are kids around. This ensures that sexual intimacy becomes as regular a part of your couple’s repertoire as taking a shower is to the individual.
  • Don’t underestimate the power of the quickie. Yes the long, drawn out, steamy, lovemaking sessions a la Hollywood and the romance novel may be well known to some of us, but a short, sweet sexual encounter may be better than none at all
  • Get deliberately creative. Using the powers of imagination from time to time can always add flavour to the love-life. This may involve using sexy lingerie, silk boxers and other little tricks like scented candles, fragrant oils, music, feathers, flavoured condoms, satin sheets, carefully positioned mirrors and you get my drift I’m sure.
  • Cultivate a ‘touchy-feely” relationship. Couples who understand how to be physically demonstrative to each other outside of the bedroom get to preserve a certain level of sexual tension which just goes kaboom when they come together.
  • Have a regular date-night. Spending time together regularly in other social settings helps an individual to see his/her partner in a different light. Taking the effort to dress up and go out together sends a powerful message that the individual is not being taken for granted.
  • Communicate, communicate, communicate. Couples who fail to share what they really feel about their love-life run the risk of harbouring anger and resentment which can contribute to further rifts in the relationship. It is important for couples to practice emotional intimacy if they expect to have great sexual intimacy. This comes only through honesty, openness and a shared vulnerability.
  • Have lots of sex. Scientific studies have proven that the more sex we have the more sex we want. So there is perhaps no greater way to jump-start a flagging sex life that with some attempt at a sexual marathon (of course not forever but just so you could get those hormones racing again). Couples could perhaps set themselves an attainable sexual goal as an experiment or a challenge; for example, sex everyday for five or seven straight days. According to researchers, this is guaranteed to straighten out those hormones and have them and other parts of of your anatomy in tip-top working condition.

12 Steps for Cementing Relationship Commitment

by Denise J Charles

shutterstock_116979841We’re always talking about commitment in marriage but do we even know what it should look like? Follow these 12 steps to strengthen your level of relationship commitment. 

  1. Accept human imperfection in both yourself and your spouse and see it as a gateway for personal development and change
  2. Choose loving confrontation when unhappy or dissatisfied with some aspect of your relationship; this means that talking about how you feel is always critical; decide from the outset that you will not choose easy escape routes like emotional detachment or affairs
  3. Protect your relationship from negative external influences (friends, family, cohorts) who encourage you to bail out at the first sign of marital stress
  4. Set realistic goals for your marriage and work together at making them happen
  5. See love as a choice, not a feeling that is based purely on sexual chemistry or attractiveness
  6. Choose significant moments like birthdays, anniversaries or any day for that matter, to relive the memories of how you met, got engaged or got married; keeping alive the magic of your early relationship is still significant to the health of your marriage but understand that while this may be a tool to enhance your commitment, it should not be the basis for it
  7. Develop relationship loyalty by actively demonstrating that you and your spouse are on the same team; practice “having each others back” instead of competing
  8. Never neglect your sexual relationship; keep this “one-flesh” reality of your relationship going to demonstrate how exclusive and set apart your relationship really is from all others; this means actively working to make your sex better which will in turn strengthen your levels of intimacy
  9. Strive to demonstrate a “higher-order” love that is unconditional and loves “in spite of”and which also includes the practice of forgiveness
  10. Deal with relationship issues in a timely manner, before they have the chance to fester into deep-rooted anger or bitterness
  11. Never share your  marital challenges with someone you feel sexually attracted to; this represents the antithesis of commitment and loyalty
  12. If you sense your relationship  is becoming unglued and you both seem unable to handle it on your own, choose a reputable counselor, coach, pastor or therapist to help you get your marriage back on track

FREE WEBINAR EVENT! GET NAKED: EXPLORING MARITAL INTIMACY

The question of intimacy, will always be one which will determine the health and state of our significant relationships. But what is intimacy? What does it really look like in marriage and why is it so important? What hinders intimacy in marriage? Why do we run from it and how can we build and strengthen the capacity for intimacy in marriage?

Join me on Saturday April 25th, 10:00 am – 10:45 am AST for a  FREE WEBINAR EVENT : GET NAKED! Exploring Marital Intimacy

Please join my meeting from your computer, tablet or smartphone by clicking on the link below. Space is limited, so please log in at least five minutes early, to secure your place.

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The Truth About Penis Size

woman-holding-measuring-tape-near-mans-penis_0As sexualized as our culture is, many of us still hold erroneous beliefs with regards to sex. One of those primary beliefs is that a woman needs a man with a big penis to feel sexually satisfied. It has even been said that some women are, at times, unwilling to relinquish a man who on all counts may be a real jerk, simply because his claim to fame is a large penis. While the philosophies which may guide those pursuing casual sex and those interested in commitment and marriage may be entirely different, the idea of the large penis being correlated with great sex, still holds sway in the minds of many, regardless of their relationship status.

There is a standing joke that there really is no need for extra-large condoms because such men who claim to need them, really only have extra-large egos. Whether you agree with this evaluation or not, there is no denying the fact that we live in a phallus-dominant society. From the design of lipsticks, to pens, to gear-shifts and the obvious obelisk, phallic symbols are everywhere. Let’s face it, men are not only seemingly defined by sex but they place great stock in the tool designed to do the job.

Haven’t we noticed how some men, somewhat unconsciously, seem to touch their genitals when talking in social settings, as if there is a constant need to affirm that the penis is still there? While some may think that this behaviour is ample proof of Freud’s “castration anxiety” theory; (the belief in an unconscious fear of penile-loss which develops during childhood and lasts a lifetime), I believe that it also confirms men’s tendency to externalize their sexuality.

The externalization of sex involves an emotional disengagement with the sex act by focusing primarily on the sex organ as the “tool” which does the job. In this paradigm of sex, it’s the penis doing the work and not necessarily the man per se. It is this type of thinking which has contributed to the obsession with penis-size. Not only do men believe that the size of their penis relates directly to their ability to give sexual pleasure but many women have themselves bought into this notion. Failure to reach a climax for these women may, therefore, lead to the complaint that the penis was too small.

Actually, the greatest sexual tool needed to enjoy great sex is the brain. How we feel about ourselves; our sexual self-concept, our ease and comfort with our sexuality and our thinking patterns with respect to sex have a greater part to play in our enjoyment of the act than any old penis. It is a medical fact that the vagina is not a gaping hole to be filled or plugged; it is an expandable space. This simply means that it will normally adapt and adjust to the size of the penis which enters it. For women who have had children and who may experience some sense of “slackness” (actually overt stretching of the vaginal wall) this can be remedied by the regular exercising of the pelvic floor muscles (imagine stopping your urine flow) and by the selection of sexual positions which allow the female’s legs to be closed.

The overt reliance on the male penis as the source of all sexual pleasure has also placed an undue sense of responsibility on men for the extent of female pleasure. Focussing on the genitals also restricts the level of ingenuity or creativity a man is able to bring to the bedroom when it comes to lovemaking, as it downplays the skills he may need to develop with his hands and or mouth.

Right thinking women, however, must own their sexuality and understand that the responsibility for their own pleasure first lies with their thinking and attitudes towards sex. By turning her focus inward to her own pleasure-centre, a woman can learn how to surrender and release herself to sexual pleasure and own her sexual experience as an enthusiastic participant. Dwelling more on what she brings to the experience also puts her in a frame of mind to give pleasure to her spouse, as she feels a greater sense of sexual empowerment. For men, a healthy, functional view of sexuality should also mean developing the understanding that women are far more concerned with how they are treated and valued in the context of a relationship, than they are with pure penis-size.

Adapted from How To Have Mind Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain by Denise J Charles

Can One Woman Satisfy?

one-man-two-women1That sex is of primary importance to a man goes without refute. While we may accurately blame socialization and culture for much of what most males practice today in terms of sexual behaviour, I honestly believe that the sexual DNA of the male places sex right up there with breathing. In other words, sex is an indelible part of who he is. Through his sexuality, a man is defined and affirmed. But what does this have to do with his ability to stay faithful to one woman?

There is a popular school of thought, I’m sure invented and promoted by men, that when it comes to the male sex-drive, a man is simply unable to help himself. And many men hold this driven-by-my-primal-sexual-instinct dogma as gospel, especially when attempting to justify their cheating ways. Whether or not we swallow the idea, it is pretty clear to many of us women that the male sex-drive is a distinct animal with a life of its own.

Yes; men love sex and we women generally speaking don’t have a problem with this. We just want that our man only loves it with us. In putting their super-charged sexuality into operation, it would appear that some men have simply learned dysfunctional ways of handling their overpowering need to connect. Men don’t have an innate inability to commit to one woman; it just sometimes serves their social purposes not to. When we examine the human sex-drive in both men and women, we can’t help but notice how it reflects our God-designed need and capacity for intimacy. This is literally spelt out in the physical, emotional and spiritual connection which is experienced during intercourse. Because the inherent nature of sex exposes our limitations and vulnerabilities, some men recoil from this by erecting what I term psychological barriers; a major one being “the other woman”.

One of man’s best-kept secrets is therefore the guard or mask of the “player-personality” who refuses to commit or settle down. This has become a useful construct designed to give men the appearance of being in super control of their sexuality and emotions. Regretfully, many of us women have erroneously schooled them from boyhood days to behave in this way by discouraging them from displaying emotion for fear that this would feminize them. A man may never articulate this but sometimes he cheats because he’s afraid to “give all” to his partner.

Men will therefore seek to retain what they perceive to be sexual power by not surrendering their vulnerability to one woman. A man’s natural drive for human connection may propel him to seek out intimacy through sex; his super sex-drive does have a purpose. His dysfunctional way of acting this out, however, encourages him to hold out on the woman with whom he is involved and to hold on to flawed concepts of power and self-preservation. This results in a string of sexual encounters which often leads to a cycle of shallow, connectionless sex. Ironically, this “multi-partner-mode” while at the surface can bring a high, fails to bring any lasting sexual fulfillment and so the cycle of cheating continues.

Men, through personal coaching and self-discipline, can be taught to relinquish these limiting notions of their sexuality. They can unlearn the concept of sex as a display only of dominance and power. Even the language of sex as we focus on “penile-penetration” provides a sense of imbalance to the act of sex which as one friend puts it, should also be thought of in terms of “vaginal-envelopment”. Only when men become comfortable with the concept of surrendering their sexual power, will the idea of commitment to one woman take on new meaning and significance.

I believe that a marriage relationship can be that place where a man is forced to finally “grow up” sexually and emotionally but this is not necessarily automatic. While I will not excuse men for their philandering ways, many times we women enable this behavior by settling for it both in and outside of marriage. We literally think that it comes with the territory and even when unhappy, our silence communicates our acceptance of such.

As women we must remain resolute in communicating our expectations in our relationships. This includes our expectations for sexual fidelity. We must not settle for less by allowing our men to think that we will just be their dispensable “sex objects”. The man, who is strong enough to recognize that “becoming one” is an addition and not a subtraction, is on the road to a more meaningful sexual relationship, especially if his partner is on the same sexual page.

Is Your Sex Abusive?

signs_of_an_abusive_relationship-290x160Very often when we think of sexual abuse, we imagine a young girl or boy being taken advantage of by an adult. Most of us get fairly riled up by the idea of an adult, who should know better, seeking sexual gratification through a child or adolescent. What many of us fail to recognize, however, and I’m going to mash toes here, is how abusive many of our sexual relationships are even within the context of marriage. Yes; commitment may be great, but it does not automatically “sanctify” every “type” of sex which may occur in such a relationship. And by “type” I’m not talking here about peripheral things like positions or oral sex. Many of us would be hesitant to admit that we have been victims, or even the perpetrators of abusive sex because very often we don’t recognize abuse even when it’s staring us straight in the face. So what exactly am I talking about?

Any sex that seeks to control, is negatively conditional, dehumanizes or ignores the choice of the other individual is abusive sex. Relationship sexual abuse is not exclusive to the unmarried, under-aged nor is it confined to rape. It occurs in all contexts. But we live in a peculiar society which teaches women, almost exclusively, that keeping their man, means submitting to his sexual advances every time, in spite of the status of the relationship. Of course women are free to do what they choose with their bodies. Nonetheless, within the context of any sexual relationship, even marriage, women must also be cognizant of when the sexual behaviour of their partner begins to cross certain lines.

Sex becomes abusive when a woman must perform sexually to receive money for groceries, bills, to ensure her children are looked after or for her general upkeep. Abusive sex is also indicated when sex is used to override every other relational concern. For instance, if a partner is repeatedly unfaithful, has contracted a sexually transmitted infection, is physically violent or even verbally abusive but refuses to change, seek help or to discuss these concerns and seeks only to maintain sex in the relationship, then such sex is abusive.

In the context of marriage, while Biblical teaching may advance “ownership” of each other’s bodies, it also speaks of the concept of mutual submission. Inherent in this teaching is the value of dialogue and compromise as higher order skills in any marriage relationship. This means that partners are free, whether male or female, to express how they truly feel on an issue and the implication of mutual submission is that such expressions should be met with an attitude of tolerance and negotiation. It does not suggest rail-roading over each other’s feelings to get what he/she wants even when that thing is perceived as the right to sex.

When women or men are objectified sexually, so that they are only acknowledged or valued for their sexual performance, then such individuals are also experiencing some level of sexual abuse. This type of sexual relationship in fact dehumanizes individuals, is extremely genital-focused and reduces the partner to nothing more than an object for sexual gratification. The individual is not valued for his/her core personality, preference or needs.

The problem with sexually abusive behaviour in a relational context is that many individuals have grown to accept such behaviour as the norm. In fact, many of the behaviours mentioned here would not even be perceived as abuse, especially in a marital context or for those in long-term relationships. Abuse, however, is any behaviour which seeks to treat another in a harmful or offensive way. While sex may be important for intimacy, it is not the only aspect of a relationship which requires attention. Honesty, integrity and mutual respect are of an even higher value because they have the power to define the entire relationship.

When spouses look out for the greater good of each other and of the relationship, then this can only enhance the quality of their sexual relationship. If an individual, however, feels powerless, threatened, victimized or dehumanized in the name of sex, then this may be a very dangerous relationship requiring rapid intervention or a quick exit. Ultimately, we must be empowered to make those choices which support our emotional and sexual safety and health.

 

When Sex Clouds The Issue

sex gets cloudyThere’s a belief going around in some circles about women and broken relationships. It’s commonly said that the only way for a woman to get over one man is to get underneath another one. There are some women who swear by this standard and will move quickly into another intimate relationship after their marriage or relationship fails. Whether or not you believe in using sex as a means of ridding yourself of a new man and cementing yourself with a new, there can be no question that sex can be relationship-defining.

While some proponents of casual sex will say that using sex to grease one’s ego, to make oneself feel good, or for recreational and relaxation purposes is no big deal, the research confirms otherwise. Sex has an inherent component which glues individuals together; regardless. In other words, we don’t just have sex and get away scot free; there are consequences to sexual joining, no matter our motivation.

The hormone Oxytocin plays a significant part in our sexual encounters. It fosters feelings of connection and belongingness when we hug, kiss, touch and orgasm with our partner. While this binding is an aspect of the built-in spirituality of sex, it does not need ideal relationship conditions to occur. There is nothing written in the fine-print of sex to suggest that sexual oneness or binding or connection, only occurs with marriage vows or when there is love in the relationship. It in fact occurs with all types of sexual encounters. This means that when we misuse sex to prove a point about our worth, value or desirability; when we seek out new sexual opportunities just for the fun of it, we may actually be doing more harm than good. We may be contributing to our own emotional confusion by connecting ourselves indiscriminately to someone else, while still being tied to a previous spouse or partner.

Premature sex can encourage a false sense of intimacy. Even when we think we’re simply being casual, the passion of sex can mess with our heads. It can mimic love through its intensity and this can cause us to gloss over the glaring flaws in the new individual we may be having sex with. The headiness of sex can also prevent us from facing our own neediness or low self-esteem. Sex alone can never be an adequate therapy for feelings of worthlessness. In fact, the individual who falls too quickly into sex after a break-up proves that she is unable to stand on her own two feet.

Because sex is what it is, it should never be used to test-drive a new man, particularly after a woman has been hurt. Sex too soon will cloud the issue of the pain and rejection a woman must deal with in her own heart; particularly if her previous relationship has been marred by infidelity or abuse. This type of replacement sex, especially if it’s ‘good’ will get the hormones going and will foster feelings of attachment. Such attachment, however, is premature and shallow and is hardly the foundation for a better relationship with someone new.

So what should we do in the face of a relationship’s demise?

Evaluate: Understanding why a relationship ended is a critical aspect of moving forward into emotional health. This involves knowing our relationship style in terms of whether we were too clingy, insecure, demanding or even the model partner who just got a raw deal. This is also a time for taking responsibility, if in any way we contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. This should allow us the capacity to change those aspects of ourselves which we may need to and is also critical for our personal growth.

Reconnect: Using the time when a marriage or relationship ends to reconnect with ourselves, to clarify our relationship values and to determine what is really important to us, should be far more important than indiscriminately jumping into another man’s bed.

 Treasure Transition: In the event that we are entirely the victim of a cheating or abusive partner, then our relationship transition period is a time to take fresh stock in determining what we will no longer tolerate from any man. It should also be a period of self-affirmation and even forgiveness. Taking bitterness and resentment forward will be harmful to any prospective relationship. This is why we need time to grieve what we had so that we can be healed of the effects of a painful relationship before moving on. Sex can cloud this issue and leave us exposed and vulnerable to further abuse.

While the desire for human connection and intimacy is understood, using sex as a short-cut to such is counterproductive. If at the time of a break-up, we forego this essential period of reflection, healing and growth, we could easily find ourselves smack dab in the middle of another bad relationship.

Denise J Charles is Director & Relationship Coach at Better Blends Relationship Institute e mail betterblends@gmail.com

Ten Tips For Rekindling the Sizzling

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If you and your spouse have been together for a while, chances are that you’ve been dealing with relationship boredom at some level. There is no way around it; sex can and does get boring, our relationships grow stale and we can settle into a sense of inevitability. The passing of years, however, need not spell the death of novelty or excitement in our relationships. With a little forethought, planning and ingenuity, we can learn to turn things around. The following ten tips represent some of the strategies we may use, to actively keep  ourselves and our marriages fresh and interesting.

  1. Preserve a sense of mystery in the relationship by not doing every single thing together; whether man or woman pursue your own interests, bring something back to the relationship that you can discuss with your spouse; something with which he or she is unfamiliar
  2. Occasionally reinvent yourself; a new wardrobe, a fresh hairstyle, a manicure and pedicure can add some pep to your steps causing you to exude confidence and an irresistible sexiness; having the exact same hairstyle, using the same fragrance or the same method of applying make-up as when you first met spells bore, bore, bore. The same goes for the guys; keeping yourself well-groomed and making sure your wardrobe is current, shows that you understand that your woman is visual too
  3. Develop a new skill or pursue a new course of study, learn a second language or pursue a new hobby, which confirms that you are all about developing you
  4. Keep some personal rituals private; intimacy does not mean you have to “do the bathroom business” while having a conversation about the kids or the mortgage
  5. Keep your date-nights diverse; going out regularly does not mean eating at the same restaurant for five years in a row; introduce each other to new cuisine, remembering that eating together is a terrific way to bond
  6. Do something spontaneous and adventurous together; (bungee jumping, hiking, paragliding?) something that may reveal a whole new side of you that your partner may be totally unaware of
  7. Switch up your sex life as regularly as your busy schedule will allow; try sex in a new location, a different position, with new trinkets (lingerie, feathers, candles, music, silk, mirrors), you get my drift
  8. Agree to fore-go sex for about a week or so or longer if you can handle it (the longer the better for this experiment); practice lots of teasing touching and hot glances during this time with zero sex; come together afterwards for a night of explosive passion guaranteed to wake up the neighbours; this can definitely add some freshness to the routine which sex may have become
  9. Call your spouse with a surprise suggestion/plan that knocks him or her for six; for example, “your bags are packed and we’re spending the night/weekend at a hotel”, “I’ve arranged baby-sitting and we’re going out tonight”, “I’ve booked a spa day for you just so you could unwind”; being thoughtful or showing that you have your partner’s best interests at heart, is a sure-fire way to inject some needed energy into a flagging relationship
  10. Travel together as much as possible; being tourists in a foreign location can affect the way you see each other and you get to experience new sights and sounds in a mutually fresh environment

Seven Days of Sex

kissing-in-bed-lg-newFor those of you who are fitness buffs, the idea of pushing your body to its limits with something like the Insanity fitness challenge may make loads of sense. Whether your goal is working on strength and endurance, bulking up your muscles or losing weight, today’s popular fitness routines test how much you really want what you think your body needs. If we were to transfer this line of thinking to our sex lives, it would be interesting to discover how many of us may be up to the challenge of improving our sex.

The Seven Days of Sex challenge began as an idea calculated to strengthen a couple’s level of intimacy. As most relationship experts will agree, while sex is incredibly important to many couples, the humdrum of life is often very good at interrupting the flow of passionate sex. With the reality of children, shared financial responsibilities, work-stress and the busyness of life, a couple’s love-life can literally become unglued at the seams. Some relationships can even suffer entirely from sexlessness or low-sex because physical intimacy is inadvertently placed on the back-burner. Instead of allowing our sex lives to languish on automatic pilot, the Seven Days of Sex challenge becomes a doable way of injecting some much needed fuel into our sputtering sexual engines.

What is it exactly? The challenge represents a couple’s commitment to literally having sex for seven straight days without interruption. There are no limits or restriction on time and place as that is entirely up to a couple’s creativity. The proponents of this well-known challenge advocate that it deepens intimacy, injects fun and spontaneity into the relationship, reduces tension and protects the relationship from negative external influences. Apart from making most men sheepishly happy, (my own husband had an instant excited glow when I suggested that we try it), it can also increase a woman’s sense of her own sexiness and desireability.

The challenge, since its inception, has evolved into a Lifetime Television reality show, a book, a course and a movement with loyal followers. Those couples who participate yearly either independently or as part of a marriage-group project, confirm that the experiment in some way has turned their relationship around. Are we suggesting that seven days of sex is some type of magical potion for all manner of relationship challenges? I think not. If a marriage is threatened by serious issues like emotional abuse, physical abuse, or infidelity, then seven straight days of sex will not solve anything.

At the same time, the fact that sex does not occur as an act in isolation, means that it can foster an environment where intimacy is likely to flourish. Oxytocin, known as the love hormone, is released during hugging, kissing and orgasm. Since oxytocin fosters feelings of belongingness and connection, then it can be assumed that seven straight days of sex will strengthen the couple-bond in a reasonably healthy relationship. Even where things are less than ideal, regularizing sex will invariably increase a couple’s appetite for more sex, thereby opening up the channels for greater levels of communication and deepened intimacy.
For those of you interested in maximizing your sex through this experiment, then pursuing this challenge to a successful end may require some strategic action on your part.

  1. Prioritize Sex: Mutually committing to the finish line once the challenge has started will require making sex a priority. This may mean synchronizing your bed times if this is not the norm, being more accessible to each other and diversifying when or where you have sex if this is needed.
  2. Don’t Feel Pressured: The presence or absence of sex can equally make a couple feel pressured to perform. While completing the challenge may be important, relaxing and letting the process flow naturally will be important for your overall sexual well-being at this time.
  3. Extend Fore-Play: Foreplay should begin long before your bodies touch. Sexualizing your entire relationship through hot, intimate phone-calls and thoughtful, romantic, gestures will make your coming together more sizzling, meaningful and effortless.
  4. Diversify to Delight: While some may view seven uninterrupted days of sex as serious business, it shouldn’t allow you to lose your sense of humour or your inventiveness. Whether you’re mastering a quickie, working on a lovemaking marathon or being adventurous in the outdoors, seven days of sex should also be a time of playful ingenuity. Ultimately, the effort embedded in the Seven Days of Sex Challenge in not just about having more sex for the sake of it. Its focus is on using the exclusivity of this sacred act, to deepen your marital commitment.

Sexual Honesty

Sexual Honesty

An Apple A Day: Bite sized tips on love, sex and relationships.

Question: My partner is lousy in bed. How can I let him know this without hurting his feelings?

Answer: follow link to You Tube Video, ( by clicking on Sexual Honesty above)  to hear how Relationship Coach Denise J Charles responds.

How to tell him he's lousy in bed?

How to tell him he’s lousy in bed?