The Truth About Penis Size

woman-holding-measuring-tape-near-mans-penis_0As sexualized as our culture is, many of us still hold erroneous beliefs with regards to sex. One of those primary beliefs is that a woman needs a man with a big penis to feel sexually satisfied. It has even been said that some women are, at times, unwilling to relinquish a man who on all counts may be a real jerk, simply because his claim to fame is a large penis. While the philosophies which may guide those pursuing casual sex and those interested in commitment and marriage may be entirely different, the idea of the large penis being correlated with great sex, still holds sway in the minds of many, regardless of their relationship status.

There is a standing joke that there really is no need for extra-large condoms because such men who claim to need them, really only have extra-large egos. Whether you agree with this evaluation or not, there is no denying the fact that we live in a phallus-dominant society. From the design of lipsticks, to pens, to gear-shifts and the obvious obelisk, phallic symbols are everywhere. Let’s face it, men are not only seemingly defined by sex but they place great stock in the tool designed to do the job.

Haven’t we noticed how some men, somewhat unconsciously, seem to touch their genitals when talking in social settings, as if there is a constant need to affirm that the penis is still there? While some may think that this behaviour is ample proof of Freud’s “castration anxiety” theory; (the belief in an unconscious fear of penile-loss which develops during childhood and lasts a lifetime), I believe that it also confirms men’s tendency to externalize their sexuality.

The externalization of sex involves an emotional disengagement with the sex act by focusing primarily on the sex organ as the “tool” which does the job. In this paradigm of sex, it’s the penis doing the work and not necessarily the man per se. It is this type of thinking which has contributed to the obsession with penis-size. Not only do men believe that the size of their penis relates directly to their ability to give sexual pleasure but many women have themselves bought into this notion. Failure to reach a climax for these women may, therefore, lead to the complaint that the penis was too small.

Actually, the greatest sexual tool needed to enjoy great sex is the brain. How we feel about ourselves; our sexual self-concept, our ease and comfort with our sexuality and our thinking patterns with respect to sex have a greater part to play in our enjoyment of the act than any old penis. It is a medical fact that the vagina is not a gaping hole to be filled or plugged; it is an expandable space. This simply means that it will normally adapt and adjust to the size of the penis which enters it. For women who have had children and who may experience some sense of “slackness” (actually overt stretching of the vaginal wall) this can be remedied by the regular exercising of the pelvic floor muscles (imagine stopping your urine flow) and by the selection of sexual positions which allow the female’s legs to be closed.

The overt reliance on the male penis as the source of all sexual pleasure has also placed an undue sense of responsibility on men for the extent of female pleasure. Focussing on the genitals also restricts the level of ingenuity or creativity a man is able to bring to the bedroom when it comes to lovemaking, as it downplays the skills he may need to develop with his hands and or mouth.

Right thinking women, however, must own their sexuality and understand that the responsibility for their own pleasure first lies with their thinking and attitudes towards sex. By turning her focus inward to her own pleasure-centre, a woman can learn how to surrender and release herself to sexual pleasure and own her sexual experience as an enthusiastic participant. Dwelling more on what she brings to the experience also puts her in a frame of mind to give pleasure to her spouse, as she feels a greater sense of sexual empowerment. For men, a healthy, functional view of sexuality should also mean developing the understanding that women are far more concerned with how they are treated and valued in the context of a relationship, than they are with pure penis-size.

Adapted from How To Have Mind Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain by Denise J Charles

The Sex-Focused Man

ambition-sexy-couple-09012012This discussion may seem like a moot point since it may be argued that all men are focused on sex. Without making the term “sex-focused” seem like some errant disease, it is important to note that sexual difference between men and women continues to plague relationships.

While this article is not meant to suggest that women are disinterested in sex, research does suggest that we tend to have a far more holistic view of our intimate relationships. As natural nurturers, we want to take care of, protect, and improve our relationships and of course this includes the sex. For us, sex is important but it is an aspect of the relationship; not the sum total by which it is defined.

Our men, on the other hand, often want to improve the frequency and quality of sex, while paying scant attention to other aspects of the relationship. This can be quite a problem when there are relationship issues like a lack of verbal communication or the need to apologise. Men can sometimes attempt, in these instances, to use sex as a substitute for discussion. Because, as women we are wired differently, we often will have none of this. No matter how good our man is in the sack, nothing beats actually saying “I love you” or “I’m sorry”.

Since women and men seem so much at cross-purposes on the issue of sex, how then do we navigate our relationships? How can we each be fulfilled in marriage when we’re coming from entirely different points of reference? Very often we reach a stalemate because we expect our partner to love as we do and experience our relationship as we do. This is not exactly fair since our hormonal wiring is different. Barring incidents where sex is used to manipulate, control or humiliate, as women, we perhaps need to come to terms with our partner’s relationship pulse; namely sex. Men by the same token must accept that their women are interested in a whole lot more than the latest sexual position, technique or the number of times they have sex in a week.

Adapting and demonstrating a willingness to walk the relationship through our partner’s shoes is perhaps the first step towards finding a resolution. This literally means understanding that sex is a male priority while love and relational health is a woman’s. While a husband may choose to relate or demonstrate love through sex, he must ask himself, does my wife feel loved or validated in each instance? Yes, being sexually desired and pleased is a vital part of an intimate relationship and as women we do value this but the tendency to use sex as a substitute for dialogue or as a short cut for deep relationship change can also be counterproductive. By the same token, as women, we must question how loved or appreciated our man can feel if we’re deliberately withholding sex or have adopted a casual attitude towards its place in our relationship.

This relationship challenge is also compounded by the fact that while men do focus on sex as critical, many are uncomfortable talking about its importance to them. Because this is seldom discussed, the result of inadequate sex from a man’s perspective is often bitterness, resentment, sulking and emotional withdrawal. Men are energized by sex in a way that we as women will perhaps never understand. As a result, its absence in the relationship can leave them feeling depleted, unloved, and less than manly. It is important that this critical need is communicated in marriage. While failure to do so exposes the relationship to being undermined, inadequate sex should never be readily used as an excuse for infidelity.

By the same token, inadequate emotional stimulation in a relationship and a disregard for the importance of communication, also contributes to a woman’s pervasive unhappiness. Women are energized by words and demonstrative love and would also appreciate their man’s “sacrifice” in this area. Most women don’t want to be simply viewed as an object for their man’s sexual release; we want to be appreciated as the multi-faceted creatures that we really are. When a woman is emotionally satisfied, the issue of sexual regularity and quality really becomes a non-issue.

Ultimately, men should not allow their focus on sex to cause them to emotionally disengage from their wives nor should women disconnect sexually because their emotional needs are unmet. The solution to the core difference in priority between men and women, rests in both individual’s willingness to meet the needs of the other and by so doing, demonstrate the essence of true love; selflessness.

Can A Man Be Satisfied With One Woman?

While the propensity for men to roam the virtual hills of life in search of a sexual utopia has been well-documented, it is important that we dissect this practice, if we hope to get close to understanding this mysterious thing called male sexuality. That sex is of primary importance to a man goes without refute. While we may accurately blame socialization and culture for much of what most males practice today in terms of sexual behaviour, I honestly believe that the sexual DNA of the male pits sex right up there with breathing oxygen. In other words, it is an indelible part of who he is. Through sex, a man is defined and affirmed. Through his sexuality, his identity is made concrete. Is this merely a western socio-cultural phenomenon or is this part and parcel of the spiritual or essential make-up of a man? And what does this have to do with his ability to stay faithful to one woman?

While space and time does not allow me to delve into all of the pathologies that may contribute to male promiscuity or failure to be satisfied by one sexual partner, it is perhaps necessary that we re-examine a few ideas being bandied around out there. There is a popular school of thought, I’m sure invented and promoted by men, that when it comes to their sex-drive and sexual needs, basically they can’t help themselves. And many men hold this driven-by-my-primal-sexual-instinct dogma as gospel; particularly handy when attempting to justify their cheating  ways. Whether or not  we swallow the idea, it is pretty clear to many of us women that the male sex-drive is a distinct animal with a life of its own.

No matter how great the sexual encounter, it’s amazing that a few hours later a man still wants more! Yes; men love sex and we women generally speaking don’t have a problem with this notion. We just want that our man only loves it with us! In putting their super-charged sexuality into operation, I believe that quite a few men have simply learned dysfunctional ways of handling their overpowering need to connect. Men don’t have an innate inability to commit to one woman; it just sometimes serves their social purposes not to.

When we examine the human sex-drive in both men and women, we can’t help but notice how it reflects our God-designed need for intimacy. This is literally spelt out in the physical, emotional and spiritual connection which is experienced during intercourse. I believe, however, that since sex is a disrobing, naked moment (literally and otherwise) inherent in the act is the ability to expose both strengths and weaknesses.

Because the inherent nature of sex strips us, exposing our limitations and vulnerabilities, many men recoil from this by erecting what I call psychological guards; a major one being “the other woman”. One of man’s best-kept secrets is therefore the guard or mask of the “player-personality” who refuses to commit or settle down. This has become a useful social construct designed to give men the appearance of being in super control of their sexuality and their emotions. Regretfully, many of us women have erroneously schooled them from boyhood days to behave in this way, by discouraging them from displaying emotion for fear that this would feminize them or make them appear “soft”.

Many men will therefore seek to retain one-upmanship or what they perceive to be sexual power or superiority by not surrendering their vulnerability to any one woman. A man’s natural drive for human connection (which he may or may not be aware of) propels him to connect through his sexuality or to search for intimacy; his super-sexual drive does have a purpose. His dysfunctional way of acting this out, however, encourages him to hold out on the woman with whom he is involved and to hold on to flawed concepts of power and self-preservation. This results in a string of unsatisfactory sexual encounters which leads to a cycle of shallow, connectionless sex. Ironically, this “multi-partner-mode” while at the surface can bring a high, fails to bring any lasting sexual fulfillment and so the cycle continues.

Men, through personal coaching and counseling, can be taught to relinquish these limiting notions of their sexuality. They can unlearn the concept of sex as a display only of dominance and power. Even the language of sex as we focus on “penile-penetration” provides a sense of imbalance to the act of sex which as one friend of mine puts it, should also be thought of in terms of “vaginal-envelopment”. Only when men become comfortable with the concept of surrendering their sexual power, will the idea of commitment to one woman take on new meaning and significance.

Can a man learn to surrender emotionally without first deciding to commit in a loving, exclusive relationship? I believe that a relationship can be that place where a man is forced to finally “grow up” sexually and emotionally. While I will not excuse men for their philandering ways, many times we women enable this behavior by settling for it in our relationships. We literally think that it comes with the territory and even when unhappy, our silence communicates our acceptance of such. As women we must remain resolute in communicating our emotional expectations in our relationships. This includes our expectations for sexual fidelity. We must not settle for less by allowing our men to think that we will just be their dispensable “sex objects”. Even  though some males may go  as far as to make a marital commitment, they are unable to come to grips with what this really should mean at the highest level; keeping all their sexual eggs in one basket.  At the same time, how we as mothers socialize our male children, also has a significant part to play in their comfort with concepts of emotional exposure and surrender to another person in the context of love.

Many men who hop from bed to bed do not recognize the disconnect which exists between what their bodies want and what they really do need to be emotionally satisfied. It is, therefore, not inherently unnatural for a man to be satisfied with one woman. He was made for this. He does have the emotional capacity for this but it is his mind and body which must now be trained to play “catch-up”.

Excerpt adapted  from “How to Have  Mind Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain!” by Denise J Charles  © 2011,  available here.

Extra Large Condoms and Other Urban Legends

The following excerpt from a chapter of my latest book,  How To Have Mind Blowing  Sex Without Losing Your Brain! looks at the issue of sexual myths and zeroes in on the major myth of penis size. I thought it would be great to have my on-line readers celebrate my book’s first year in publication (August 2011).  For more great reading on sex,  follow the link here if you’re interested in purchasing the kindle version from Amazon. For paper-back editions e mail us: betterblends@gmail.com

Extra Large Condoms and Other Urban Legends: De-Bunking Popular Sexual Myths

Men are savage sexual beasts who are always ready to have a go at it and women love to say “no” when what they really mean is “yes” with a capital “Y”. If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve had your fill of these and other sexual myths or misconceptions. How can we hope to enjoy the best sex ever, if our minds are filled with faulty ideas and ill-conceived notions about male and female sexuality? I contend that unless we get our “stinking-thinking” right, we have a challenge on our hands. I am not simply talking about our flawed ideas about the sex act itself or about the logistics of sex but at a deeper level, I’m thinking more about our ideas and attitudes towards our own sexuality.

For example, as a child growing up, there was a popular notion that women past a certain age didn’t enjoy sex but “gave it up” as in surrendered it for more worthy pursuits, usually described somewhat euphemistically as “serving the Lord”. So peri-menopausal or menopausal women regularly believed that subsuming their sexuality at this point in their lives, was a preferred behaviour. This was after all an integral part of the self-sacrifice which resulted in higher levels of spirituality; or so they thought. Conversely, notions about male sexuality emphasised an instantaneous readiness for sex that did not depend on knowledge, relationship or even polite conversation; and to boot, this insatiable hunger changed little with age! As a result, while women were being taught to subsume their sexuality at varying points in their lives, men were being taught to unleash theirs, regardless of the consequences.

I believe that there are many social cues relayed through casual conversations or learned through observation which continue to have an impact on the psychology of sex. Although space will not permit us to challenge each faulty notion which may exist, we will continue in this chapter by attempting to unravel some of the more popular misconceptions which can impact our sexual self-concept and by extension affect the way we navigate our sexual relationships.

MYTH 1: The size of the male penis is paramount for a woman’s pleasure.
FACT: There is a standing joke that there really is no need for extra-large condoms because such men who claim to need them, really only have extra-large egos. Whether you agree with this evaluation or not, there is no denying the fact that we live in a phallus-dominant society (that is, a society where everything important to man is built to resemble the penis). From the design of lipsticks, to pens, to gear-shifts and the obvious Obelisk in Washington, phallic symbols abound. This slew of everyday tools and implements designed by men, are thought to convey their ever-present obsession with their penis.

Let’s face it, men are not only seemingly defined by sex but they place great stock in the tool designed to do the job. I distinctly remember as a young girl growing up, noticing how many males would regularly cup or cradle their genitals when talking in social settings as if there was a constant need to affirm that it was still there. While some may think that this behaviour is ample proof of Freud’s “castration anxiety” theory; (the belief in an unconscious fear of penile-loss which develops during childhood and lasts a lifetime), I believe that it also confirms men’s tendency to externalise their sexuality.

The over-externalisation of sex involves a spiritual-emotional disengagement with the sex act by focusing primarily on the sex organ as the “tool” which does the job. In this paradigm of sex, it’s the penis doing the work and not necessarily the man per se. It is this type of thinking which has contributed to the obsession with penis-size. Not only do men believe that the size of their penis relates directly to their ability to give sexual pleasure but many women have themselves bought into this notion. Failure to reach a climax for these women, may therefore lead to the complaint that the “penis was too small”.

The fact remains, however, that the greatest sexual tool needed to enjoy great sex is the brain. How we feel about ourselves; our sexual self-concept, our ease and comfort with our sexuality and our thinking patterns with respect to sex, have a greater part to play in our enjoyment of the act than any old penis. It is a medical fact that the vagina is not a gaping hole to be filled or plugged; it is an expandable space. This simply means that it will normally adapt and adjust to the size of the penis which enters it. For women who have had children and who may experience some sense of “slackness” (actually overt stretching of the vaginal wall) this can be remedied by the regular exercising of the pelvic floor muscles (imagine stopping your urine flow) and by the selection of sexual positions which allow the female’s legs to be closed. For example, the couple can lie on their side, while the husband enters his wife’s vagina from the rear.

The overt reliance on the male penis as the source of all sexual pleasure has placed an undue sense of responsibility on men for the extent of female pleasure. Right thinking women, nonetheless, must own their sexuality and understand that the responsibility for their own pleasure first lies with their brains; their thinking of and attitudes towards sex. If you’re a man, a healthy, functional view of sexuality should also mean that you understand that women are far more concerned with how they are treated and valued in the context of a relationship, than they are with pure penis-size. The sexually whole woman wants to make love to her husband and lover, not just his penis.  

© Copyright  2011 Denise J Charles.

Men, Sex and the New C.P.R

“For many men, sexual expression over time becomes habit and impulse driven, leading often to fleeting or diminished pleasure and perhaps increased longing, desire and frustration. “

Many men engage in a set of predictable sexual behaviours.

While many of us may be familiar with C.P.R as a life-saving technique, in the context of my discussion, it takes on a whole new definition which I’m sure will easily resonate with my female reading-audience. Male “relationship-behaviour” has been governed for centuries by what I term the three pillars of male sexuality. For the purposes of this article, this behaviour is represented by the letters CPR, which in turn stand for Chase, Penetrate and Retreat.  These “pillars” are in fact, a series of collective-behaviours which have become familiar themes in today’s male-female relationships.

While phrases like “a leopard doesn’t change its spots” and the less complimentary “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”, represent familiar male-bashing statements mouthed by angry and hurting women, they aren’t without some historical merit. Let’s face it, men have been Chasing, Penetrating and Retreating for eons. Lest I be accused of joining the male-bashing trend, let me hasten to post my official disclaimer. Of course all men are not lacking in relationship integrity and several of them remain faithful to their wives and long-term partners. There; I’ve said it. But this article is not about this minority.

There is the belief, grounded in yarns of evidence,  that many men retreat from a potential relationship after they have sexually conquered their target. There is also the view that they retreat after they have grown bored of repeatedly conquering the same familiar turf. But I am getting ahead of myself here. Before we delve into dissecting the R of male sexual behaviour, (the retreat phenomenon) it’s necessary for us to first examine the C in the new CPR.

The Chase

For a man, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of a fresh chase.

Men are naturally competitive; make no bones about it. Their friendly neighbourhood hormone testosterone guarantees this. As such, they thrive on the thrill of the chase. Chasing a woman provides them with the distinct possibility of winning and winning brings with it the idea of being a conqueror; of being better than the other less successful, paltry men who lost. What a tremendous ego boost! (I believe this is why men can’t handle being cheated on by a woman; it eats at what they believe about their own sexual superiority).

The problem with this stage of male sexual development is that several men never make it past it. They are so affirmed by the activity of the chase, that they seek to perpetuate it again and again and again ad nauseum. Such men therefore never “grow up” emotionally to recognise that since they’ve already won their prize, it’s time for a redefinition of that relationship on fresh terms. Instead, they become addicted to the dopamine thrill of chasing and hopefully conquering skirts. This is of course done while the primary or initial relationship is allowed to perish by the wayside as it is chemically unable to provide the rush which a new pair of legs can bring.

The Penetration

The chase, as encouraging as it is, would cease to hold its powerful allure without the distinct possibility of the pot of gold at the end of the figurative rainbow. Yeah, chasing does have a distinct goal. And it’s definitely not about running around in perpetual circles like the playful dog actually trying to catch its own tail. The goal of chasing ultimately is penetration. And please don’t think that I’m only referring to the literal penetration of the vagina by the penis. Of course that’s where it all starts and that’s where the fun is for many a man.

Be that as it may, penetration is also about using the penis to dominate a woman. Men are pros at using their sexual prowess, sexiness, sexual charm, whatever you call it, to suck the living sensibilities out of otherwise smart, educated, right-thinking women. Why else would some smart women end up as the “relationship slaves” to the worst booty-playing, Casanovas around? They fall prey to the power of the perpetual penis of course.

What many women fail to recognize is that surrendering their sexual power to a man, brings with it a certain level of emotional dependency; no matter how casual they purport to be about sex. That’s why the apple shouldn’t be given up indiscriminately without serious commitment; especially if what a woman is looking for is longevity or permanence. Face it girls, once you hand it over, there’s no looking back and that relationship will be forever changed. Sex just has the inherent power to do that to us.

The Retreat

The man, who is intent on using women to boost his sexual ego, has to find a way to keep reproducing this preferred scenario. This brings us to the R in our triad. Having chased and having penetrated, the only recourse allowed for the repeat of this entire charade with another woman, is for him to retreat; literally.

While women will have sex and long for repeated connection and emotional engagement; men will have sex and bolt like lightening, eventually. A woman’s sexual affirmation is grounded in her ability to care and connect. While men are also wired for this genetically in that they are similarly affected by the hormone Oxytocin, they have been socially trained to value disengagement and their freedom. As a result, they love to hit and run.

Unfulfillment occurs when relationship expectations go unmet.

What they fail to recognise is that sex has been reduced by them, to an impulse and a habit. While they are fooled into thinking that this makes them better lovers, somewhat like practice makes perfect, it actually reduces the potency of their sexual encounters because sex is reduced to just a “can’t help myself” animal instinct, devoid of deep thought or commitment. Despite the commonality of this practice, this is not what sex was meant to be. Is it any wonder that such men find themselves trapped in repeated quests for a sexual utopia which they never, ever find? In the wise words of the quotation referenced at the start of this article, they can then become trapped in a cycle of “fleeting or diminished pleasure and perhaps increased longing, desire and frustration.”

The worst part of the retreat syndrome is when a man uses his primary relationship as a ground-zero or home-base, from where he will venture out to get his thrills and then return. What is even worst is when such behaviour is facilitated by women, who pride themselves in being the main-lady/wife, or who will tolerate this because of financial or emotional dependency. This adds a whole other dynamic to the CPR problem as the lack of emotional fulfillment for the woman begins to negatively affect the sexual relationship. How many husbands continue to have affairs because their wives, while miserable and unhappy with their philandering ways, refuse to do anything about it? And how many women are really happy with the prospect of sharing or losing their man to the arms of another woman?

The Verdict

So male sexual CPR is not all that a guy may think it is. It doesn’t make him a better lover; not by a long shot. It instead creates a void which forces him to repeat behaviour which never satisfies. For women trapped by these CPR experts it may be time to pause and re-evaluate your relationship expectations and your sense of worth. Are you content to be just another cheap thrill? Are you ever going to get the nerve to make your relationship demands known or will you ever be strong enough to leave if they remain unfulfilled?

For the guy who is limited in his sexual repertoire because he is afraid of serious commitment and vulnerability to one woman, he may find that his game of CPR comes back to haunt him when he finds himself smack dab in the arms of a woman he finally thinks he can’t live without. Even when commitment or marriage seems like a distinct possibility, he may very well have to work doubly hard at breaking free from a life-time of a mismanaged sexuality. 

 

When A Man Makes Love Like a Boy

I know this article will probably tick off some men. Sorry guys. But I also know that some women will immediately connect with the imagery. When it comes to sex, some men are definitely men and unfortunately other men seem destined to remain boys. What exactly do I mean? Not being a man myself of course I can only make this summation based on years of keen observation, the anecdotal stories of my girlfriends and through the self-incriminating utterances and actions of men themselves.

The popular R and B group of the 1980’s, Boys 2 Men, were not only endearing to us because of their wonderful harmonious blends. As fans we also fell in love with the concept of the group; with the fact that the group represented the antics and expressions of boys growing into manhood. Of course this was clever marketing designed to garner a huge female fan-base. What right-thinking woman can resist the spectacle of the smooth-talking boy-man?

But what does this have to do with love making you might legitimately ask? Everyone knows how much men love sex. Realistically, in terms of importance, it’s an activity right up there with breathing oxygen. Let’s face it girls, it’s just how they’ve been wired. That having been said, it is critical to note that while men will “grow up” in several areas of their lives (financially, educationally, and in terms of their independence) several of them, seem perennially stuck in boyhood-land, in the area of their sexuality.

I will expand on this by comparing several traits of the “sexual boy” and “the sexual man”. This is not to suggest that I am promoting that chronological boys should have sex but my terminology is simply a euphemism to describe an immature versus a mature way of viewing love, sex and relationships.

The Sexual Boy

  • Wants sex on demand and is either unaware of or is insensitive to issues like his woman’s cycle, hormone changes, illness or mood swings
  • Is focused on the sexual hardware; that is, size, shape, texture, look or feel of the vagina, butt and or breasts; will frequently obsess about them
  • Is impatient about having his sexual needs met so is likely to rush to a sexual climax whether or not his partner is sexually satisfied
  • Sex is likely to be a purely genital-focused activity
  • Sex is more about “doing it”; it’s a thing to be done and is severely depersonalized
  • Limited eye contact, limited vocalization of desire; there is a decided fear of intimacy and of being emotionally vulnerable during sex; eyes are therefore often closed and there is limited talking before, during or after sex
  • Will tend to hug and show affection only when interested in “getting it on”

The Sexual Man

  • Wants to enjoy lots of sex but is thoughtful and aware of his woman’s physical and emotional challenges; is patient and willing to wait it out
  • Appreciates all the hardware but is more focused on making love to his entire woman (her soul and essence) and not just her vagina; desires his woman fully and lets her know this
  • Is hard pressed to ensure that his wife is sexually fulfilled before he is because he recognizes that after he climaxes it’s virtually all over; balances fully giving into the moment and practicing self-restraint; remembers “with my body I thee worship!”
  • Is able to use the love-making act to celebrate his partner’s entire body; not just her genitals
  •  Whether sex is hot and passionate or slow and romantic the focus is the woman; not the performance
  • Is comfortable exposing his desire for his woman with words and actions, communicates during sex and is emotionally available even when the act is over (will not roll over and play dead)
  • Will show love and physical affection even when not feeling horny

Even though all women would love to dwell in relationship utopia with a “sexual man” instead of a “sexual boy”, chances are that many of us find ourselves saddled with the latter. Why is this you might ask?  Social norms continue to dictate that we raise boys to be uncomfortable with the expression of emotion because we are afraid of feminizing them. We are then forced to settle with the fallout from such a practice in our intimate relationships. As a result, as women, we continue to make sexual and emotional demands of our men that they have not been socialized to deliver on a normal day.

It is likely that the “sexual man” has had a really balanced up-bringing by wise parents who allowed him to engage all aspects of his personality. Even if this were not the case, through education, reflection and or counseling, he has learned to tap into his softer-gentler, nurturing side and has perfected the fine art of combining this with his raw, male sexiness. The result is a really desirable guy who knows how to bring both sexual and emotional pleasure to his intimate relationship.

What’s A Woman to Do?

For those women who have been married for years, it is probable that they have seen much more of the “sexual boy” in their beds than the “sexual man”. What’s a woman then to do in this scenario? Realistically there is no quick fix to deeply ingrained behavior patterns with which we have become comfortable or with which we define ourselves. One obvious characteristic of an exclusive relationship, should nonetheless be, the communication of dissatisfaction. There can be no hope for improvement in the relationship, if sex is allowed to continue unruffled; even if the male ego is a sacred cow. This calls for direct honesty on the part of the woman who is unhappy in bed. The following represents some of the response choices available to her.

  • Talk it Over: Using ‘I’ statements, instead of ‘You’ statements, ( eg; “I feel like . . .”  instead of “You never make me feel . . .” ) COMMUNICATE your dissatisfaction in a disarming, non-accusatory way; accusing your spouse will only encourage him to get on the defensive and may alienate him further or make matters worse.
  • Show and Tell: As much as is possible, MODEL the behavior you want to see in bed. While there is no guarantee that this will be reciprocated, at least there is a point of reference from which he can observe what it is you really need. So if you want sexy talk while you’re having a go at it; don’t be shy, show him how it’s done.
  • Practice makes Perfect: Although there is an ingrained knee-jerk response in us women to withhold sex when we are unhappy, this can be counter-productive. The more you PRACTISE the act of making your sex better, the more those natural love hormones are able to work at breaking down your partner’s emotional barriers.
  • Don’t Cast the First Stone: There is nothing worse than making a man feel that he is entirely at fault in a relationship (especially because he never is). Before a woman off-loads on her man, it would be good for her to PAUSE, SEARCH and REFLECT to see which behavior she may also need to adjust. Showing your own flaws and foibles is in fact an excellent way to secure empathy
  • Seek Wise Counsel: When all else fails, TRY PROFESSIONAL INTERVENTION. Of course many men hate attending a counselor but this can be navigated tactfully, especially when he realizes that you’re all about improving the sex. After all is said and done, if sex is as important to him as he lets on, then there should be no limit to what he is willing to try to make it even better.