What Your Kissing Style Says About You

Disclaimer: This article is not meant to be an endorsement of ‘’indiscriminate kissing” but simply reflects my take on what your kissing-style preferences may say about you. Read with a pinch of salt.

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Self-tests and inventories of different types have all been used to help us delve a bit more into our personality. From our communication habits, to our recreational preferences and even our conflict resolution style, these questions have been used to enable us to understand ourselves a bit better. But have you  ever wondered about the way you kiss?  And have you ever answered a “kissing inventory”? Yes, something as “everydayish” and ordinary as kissing, can tell us and others (if we’re paying attention) quite a bit about ourselves.  And what about the act of kissing; do we even enjoy it in the first place or do we view it as an intrusive, germ-spreading, unnecessary activity? For the purposes of our “lip-locking” analysis I’m going to advance five basic kissing styles and will attempt to explain my own take on what they reveal.

Slatherers

Slatherers tend to use lots of saliva, so these kisses invariably prove to be somewhat wet and slippery. The individual on the receiving end of this kiss may actually feel smothered and a bit overwhelmed by the slatherer’s enthusiasm.  While aesthetically this kissing style may leave a lot to be desired, in the real world, this individual in a relational context is actually big on piling on the love and affection. This style may reveal an openness to love and a willingness to be vulnerable. You see, slatherers aren’t into game-playing, image-presenting or pretense; they’re about as straight up as they come. They wear their hearts on their sleeve and tend to be loyal in their relationships and may actually prove to be excellent spouse material.

Professional Peckers

Professional Peckers (PP’s) thrive on being connoisseurs in the kissing fraternity and love to utilize lip pressure in their performance. They believe they have pretty much mastered the basics and therefore have kissing down to a science. As a consequence, they like to use their “kissing skills” to gauge the barometer of a relationship and believe that it will reveal things like sexual compatibility, chemistry, relationship longevity and the like. PPs, while very concerned about their expertise, are, however, much more into themselves, than into their kissing partner. They also never completely relinquish control or totally drop their guard. It’s all about them and how good they are at what they do. PPs tend to use kissing as more a means to an end, than as an expression of love or intimacy. So they kiss basically to determine what’s in it for them. In a more established relationship, however, their kisses are always self-serving and may become boring and predictable. This is especially so since the focus is always on making sure that they obey a somewhat long list of unspoken kissing rules.

Deep-Sea Divers

Now these kissers love to take the plunge; literally. They believe that kisses should be long, deep, penetrative, exploratory and almost capable of performing a tonsillectomy (just kidding). But I’m sure you get my drift. While such kissing smacks of deep intimacy and of sexual foreplay, it can also be used to reinforce dominance, control or outright seduction; especially if the head of the receiver is held with both hands while the kiss is being “administered”. If this kissing-style is utilized by both participants, it can degenerate, in a worst case scenario, to a competition or kissing match; you know to see who’s acing it the best. Not to be all negative, however, especially for you die-hard fans of this style, it can also reflect deep love, passion and commitment.

No-show Kissers

No-show Kissers understand the power of the kiss but because they believe it may reveal too much, try to avoid it like the plague. While this type may actually be a distinct minority, they do exist and actually don’t like to pucker up. Kissing for them is intrusive, time-consuming and not worth the trouble; especially since they love to focus on the fact that it carries germs. (I’ve actually met such a woman who didn’t kiss her husband because of such beliefs). No-showers believe that kissing is grossly over-rated and steer clear of it as much as possible.

Kissers and Tellers

For these, the kiss is never an end in itself but is simply a powerful back-up for what already has been said or will be expressed at some time in the future of the relationship. KATs actually have no preference for any one physical style but live in the kissing moment and allow each kiss’s magic to do its work. At the end of the day, KAT’s ensure that there’s congruence between what they do with their lips and what they say. They also love to focus on the kiss as an act of giving in the relationship.

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While some of you may not want to take me entirely seriously, there may actually be some grain of truth to my kissing analysis. The fact is that for most of us, there may be bits of all these traits, based on where we are as individuals, our past experiences, where we may be in a relationship and of course our “kissing occasion”. The underlying thread, however, is that kissing isn’t something we should take lightly. Just ask the prostitutes who will give up sex while refusing to kiss (remember the movie Pretty Woman?)

Though we may never admit it, some of us are intuitively aware that kissing is a physical intimacy which carries with it some weight and the power to expose who we really are. In a committed relationship like marriage, the absence of kissing can actually say a lot about the state of the relationship. While the novelty will admittedly wear off in the long term, its outright absence can be quite telling. All things being considered, no matter what we like or do when we kiss, lets ensure that our kiss tells the story our partner wants to hear.

 

So Men Just Aren’t Sex Machines After All!

Just when I thought we could no longer be surprised by sex research, a new study by the Kinsey Institute for Sex Gender and Reproduction yielded a set of unusual findings. Contrary to popular opinion, this new study found that men, who kiss and cuddle, are three times more happy than those who don’t. Imagine that. In other words, men who were more in touch with their kinder, gentler, “coochier” side were more likely to experience satisfaction in their long term relationships. These men who made it a practice of smooching with their wives or significant others, were in fact found to experience greater levels of sexual satisfaction than those who didn’t.

What does this tell us girls? It confirms what we’ve known instinctively since Adam was a lad; that sexual satisfaction is much more than the straight-forward thrusting of a penis in a vagina. There I’ve said it! It goes a lot deeper than the length and breadth of the penis, or the depth of the vagina for that matter; never mind what Cosmo says! Sexual satisfaction also definitely extends beyond the latest tricks or is more than those impossible gymnastics’ positions highlighted in the Kama Sutra.

If what we understand about this study is correct, then we can gather that intimacy means a lot more to men than they have traditionally let on. If you remember anything about the movie Pretty Woman, starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, then you would recall that the prostitute played by Roberts, had a distinct difficulty with kissing her clients. She admitted that it fostered attachments and created a sense of intimacy that she didn’t exactly want to encourage in her line of work. Both women and men recognize that there can be nothing more intimate than breathing each other’s oxygen. Maybe this explains why some men subconsciously decide to lay off the smooching after they have landed their catch; perhaps it’s a means of maintaining some level of control; you know, like protecting themselves against too much vulnerability. Unfortunately, however, holding out in the intimacy department actually leads to less relationship fulfillment.

Not that I’m suggesting that most men don’t like to kiss, but other studies have shown that the more stale a relationship gets, the less kissing there often is. As sex becomes routine, several couples admit to simply honing in on what they see as the important hardware for sex; mainly the genitals. With kids to get off to school, pets to feed and jobs to get up and go to, kissing can become relegated to the trash-heap of a relationship. Whether intimacy dies because there is a lack of deep kissing or whether it is that the death of intimacy means that we no longer want to kiss and cuddle, this study confirms that relationships which are satisfying do thrive on something more than just straight-up sex.

What was even more astounding was that this cuddly stuff was more predictive of male happiness than it was of female happiness in relationships. Hmmm. Now that was a stunner. We women have been conditioned into seeing ourselves as soft, mushy, emotional and in need of lots of non-sex affirmation; that is, hugging and the like. While I do believe that this is still very true, it is also true that as women grow older, they also become more in tuned with and comfortable about expressing their sexual needs. In other words, we become more sexually complex. A woman in her late thirties, forties or fifties is more assertive in requesting what she wants from her spouse, than a woman in her twenties, who’s more concerned about how she looks in bright light.

As confirmed by one sex expert, as we women grow older, we come into our own sexually. A woman’s sexual peak tends to take place after thirty five and really takes off when she hits her forties. Men on the other hand, tend to peak in their early twenties and keep up a lot I believe through social expectations and the consumption of Red Bull (just kidding). Not that I’m suggesting that men lose interest in sex, but there is a known difference in our sexual peak points. (I honestly believe that this see-saw effect is genetically engineered to allow us to get on with other aspects of our lives; imagine how the world just might stand still if men and women both peaked at the same time; nothing else would ever get done; balance is always good)

Of course being in love and being committed in a long term relationship, will affect a man’s libido to a great extent. Consequently, what this study also reveals is that men in stable relationships are very concerned with pleasing their partner sexually; it’s more about connection and less about competition. After all it takes a class act of a man to learn his woman’s body very well and know how to keep it humming as her sexual needs change. But these findings all fit together quite nicely. As men become more settled with one woman, their desire is to be more intimate with her and this is strengthened as they kiss and cuddle and allow that attachment hormone Oxytocin to do its work. Women, on the other hand, as their relationships lengthen, experience a greater yearning for hot, steamy sex with the one man to whom they are committed. And this is of course in keeping with a woman’s rise in sexual assertiveness. These male-female differences in need, are in fact complimentary and represent a wonderful dove-tailing of cuddly warmth and hot passion.

These findings to my mind are a great plus for the institution of marriage, which has wrongfully taken a beating and the blame for many a failed sex life. There is a lot then to be said for long term relationships and the commitment which allows couples to grow sexually together.

And it’s nice to know that it’s finally official; guys are a lot more than automatic sex machines.