That sex is of primary importance to a man goes without refute. While we may accurately blame socialization and culture for much of what most males practice today in terms of sexual behaviour, I honestly believe that the sexual DNA of the male places sex right up there with breathing. In other words, sex is an indelible part of who he is. Through his sexuality, a man is defined and affirmed. But what does this have to do with his ability to stay faithful to one woman?
There is a popular school of thought, I’m sure invented and promoted by men, that when it comes to the male sex-drive, a man is simply unable to help himself. And many men hold this driven-by-my-primal-sexual-instinct dogma as gospel, especially when attempting to justify their cheating ways. Whether or not we swallow the idea, it is pretty clear to many of us women that the male sex-drive is a distinct animal with a life of its own.
Yes; men love sex and we women generally speaking don’t have a problem with this. We just want that our man only loves it with us. In putting their super-charged sexuality into operation, it would appear that some men have simply learned dysfunctional ways of handling their overpowering need to connect. Men don’t have an innate inability to commit to one woman; it just sometimes serves their social purposes not to. When we examine the human sex-drive in both men and women, we can’t help but notice how it reflects our God-designed need and capacity for intimacy. This is literally spelt out in the physical, emotional and spiritual connection which is experienced during intercourse. Because the inherent nature of sex exposes our limitations and vulnerabilities, some men recoil from this by erecting what I term psychological barriers; a major one being “the other woman”.
One of man’s best-kept secrets is therefore the guard or mask of the “player-personality” who refuses to commit or settle down. This has become a useful construct designed to give men the appearance of being in super control of their sexuality and emotions. Regretfully, many of us women have erroneously schooled them from boyhood days to behave in this way by discouraging them from displaying emotion for fear that this would feminize them. A man may never articulate this but sometimes he cheats because he’s afraid to “give all” to his partner.
Men will therefore seek to retain what they perceive to be sexual power by not surrendering their vulnerability to one woman. A man’s natural drive for human connection may propel him to seek out intimacy through sex; his super sex-drive does have a purpose. His dysfunctional way of acting this out, however, encourages him to hold out on the woman with whom he is involved and to hold on to flawed concepts of power and self-preservation. This results in a string of sexual encounters which often leads to a cycle of shallow, connectionless sex. Ironically, this “multi-partner-mode” while at the surface can bring a high, fails to bring any lasting sexual fulfillment and so the cycle of cheating continues.
Men, through personal coaching and self-discipline, can be taught to relinquish these limiting notions of their sexuality. They can unlearn the concept of sex as a display only of dominance and power. Even the language of sex as we focus on “penile-penetration” provides a sense of imbalance to the act of sex which as one friend puts it, should also be thought of in terms of “vaginal-envelopment”. Only when men become comfortable with the concept of surrendering their sexual power, will the idea of commitment to one woman take on new meaning and significance.
I believe that a marriage relationship can be that place where a man is forced to finally “grow up” sexually and emotionally but this is not necessarily automatic. While I will not excuse men for their philandering ways, many times we women enable this behavior by settling for it both in and outside of marriage. We literally think that it comes with the territory and even when unhappy, our silence communicates our acceptance of such.
As women we must remain resolute in communicating our expectations in our relationships. This includes our expectations for sexual fidelity. We must not settle for less by allowing our men to think that we will just be their dispensable “sex objects”. The man, who is strong enough to recognize that “becoming one” is an addition and not a subtraction, is on the road to a more meaningful sexual relationship, especially if his partner is on the same sexual page.