“Fat is not the Kryptonite of sex!” Rebecca Rosenblat, Sex Therapist.
Those of us who follow the adventures of Superman, understand the impact of Kryptonite on Clarke’s ability to be super and strong. But does “fat” have a similar impact on our sense of our sexual selves or on our partner’s ability to enjoy us? Unapologetically, I say it most certainly does; not, however, because of some intrinsic flaw in having a few pounds or curves. While “fat” may not actually affect our ability to be sexy, what we think about it often does.
While some men may have a well-known preference for thickness or for the prominence of certain assets, many of us women still go to great lengths to ensure that our body size matches those images which are usually fed to us via popular culture. As a result, our sexual confidence is affected. So does size really matter when it comes to our emotional and sexual health? Honestly, I do believe that we should all strive to be our better selves. That often includes shedding some pounds, getting into an exercise regimen, becoming more toned, eating healthier meals and getting adequate rest. In an ideal world, this is where we would all love to be. Being our better self, however, also includes knowing who we are outside the definitions of media, family, friends or sexual partners.
Each human being is special and unique. As women, we need to feel comfortable with our own sense of style and with our expression of our sexuality. This is going to be very difficult to accomplish if we are constantly beating up ourselves because we don’t look like someone else’s version of sexiness. Yes, I’m entitled to feel great if I’ve accomplished a weight-loss target but should weight-loss define my happiness and sense of self? Of course there are women with metabolic, thyroid or other medical issues which may make weight-loss a challenge. But even for them, self-validation is important. While our bodies are our windows to the world, we are in many ways more than a body. There is personality, soul and spirit.
Losing weight to make you healthier or to feel more energized is actually great. Doing it to “fit in”, to appease or to keep your partner, is another thing altogether. If a woman needs to move from an eighteen, sixteen, or fourteen to a six, to feel that she has suddenly struck gold as an individual, it’s possible that her sense of validation is shallow and overtly dependent upon externals. Anything will shake the foundation of a woman who can only feel fabulous when her dress size conforms to common media stereotypes. And why do we even encourage the double-standard since our men are usually nowhere near perfect? This striving for an elusive perfection is what is damaging to our sexiness. It can also rob us of the body-confidence we need to really let go in the bedroom or where ever our sex is happening.
What attracts a man to a woman is not the number on her dress tag but her wonderful personality and sense of sexual self-confidence. This makes her riveting and unforgettable. No matter what size you are as a woman, it is important that you learn to engage your incredible sexual energy in positive ways. The following tips could provide that head-start:
- Strip naked and look at yourself in a mirror. Decide what you like and affirm yourself; for example, “I love my butt”, or “I have great breasts”. If there are attributes that you would love to change, devise a realistic plan and timeline to make those changes a reality. If you’re totally happy with what you see, then more power to you.
- Think about your core personality and of the things that you feel passionate about. Find ways to engage your passion and your dreams. When we are emotionally fulfilled because we are connected with our purpose, it shows up in our walk and our talk; instant sexiness!
- Treat yourself to a “spa-day” even if done at home; a facial, manicure, pedicure, re-locking or perm can go a long way to boost how you feel about yourself. See these things, however, as enhancers and resist the temptation to be totally defined by them.
- If you are in a committed relationship or marriage, discuss the concerns you may have about your body-image with your partner but “own” your body and the decisions that you make to improve it.
- Do not accept emotional abuse from anyone on issues of weight-gain. Those who truly respect you will lovingly affirm you, despite what you look like. When advice is offered, it should be non-threatening, non-derisive and sensitively communicated.
- Understand that sexiness is a state of mind. Learn to love yourself, warts and all, by affirming that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and by thinking positive, sexual thoughts. A woman who really loves herself is ready for some good loving.