What happens to your sex life when your partner holds a bedroom grudge? Well, chances are you may not be getting the type of sex you desire or think you deserve. And what’s a bedroom grudge anyway? As its name suggests, a BG is played out when one partner either plays hard to get in the sack, fails to cooperate with new sexual requests or with experimentation, is emotionally absent during sex or point blank refuses to have sex with his/her partner.
In the context of our intimate relationships, grudges are perhaps pretty common. They represent expressed unforgiveness as a result of unresolved anger or failure to communicate on some critical issue. BG’s are of course no different. They can originate outside the bedroom, where some insensitivity shown is passed over to the sexual relationship or they can originate right in the sack, where a consistent failure to meet specific sexual needs coupled with poor communication on the issue, leads to this response. When we find our sex lives crippled by a BG what should our response be?
Well of course if there is little to no satisfactory sex happening, both you and your spouse are likely to be highly strung. Be that as it may, biting the bullet to confront the issue at stake, is your only recourse and hope for bringing healing. Since meeting anger with anger is never a good idea, try defusing the situation by meeting your partner away from the volatile point of contact, (the bedroom or home). A neutral location like a coffee house, restaurant or park may be a good place to start the dialogue. Expose your vulnerability by honestly communicating your hurt and pain at the situation and communicate your willingness to see things changed. Use your eyes to communicate and assure your partner of how much you miss him/her. Use disarming “I statements” to own your own pain without projecting blame on your partner and further alienating him/her. Having penetrated this critical stage begin to ask some pointed questions and encourage your partner’s honesty, even if the answers are painful.
For example, you may ask:
1. What have I done to offend you?
2. What can I do to make our love-life better?
3. In what way am I a bad lover?
4. Can you forgive me for angering/ hurting/ offending you?
5. How can we improve our communication?
6. How can I better meet your sexual needs?
Of course these are suggested themes to your questions and should be tailored to suit your individual situation. The point is to create a context for loving confrontation and clear dialogue. When the BG is a direct consequence of the quality of the bedroom action, then mere words without active follow through will not do the trick. So what should you do in this instance?
Demonstrate a willingness to expand your sexual repertoire where necessary, hone your lovemaking skills, buy a good book about sexual technique, consult a detailed manual or watch an educational video which may help, and remember that practice makes perfect. Let your partner see that you are actively trying to improve. If it’s a medical issue like erectile dysfunction, painful intercourse or premature ejaculation, see your doctor. If your challenges are psychological; a counselor or terapist might help. If your partner really loves you, then perfecting your love dance should not be a harsh chore which you do alone. Rather, it should be a liveable, laughable experience in which you both share and learn.