Monthly Archives: November 2012

Is Penile-Vaginal Sex Superior To Other Forms of Sex?

Even though most of us on a good day will not be totally honest about what we prefer in the bedroom, I decided to bite the bullet and ask this question. And of course this will lead to a host of other related questions; the answers to which may reveal our attitudes about sex. If a sexual encounter with our partner does not involve the direct interfacing of the organs which allow for reproduction, do we think we have been robbed sexually? Do we think our sex is inferior if it does not involve the penis and vagina?

For those individuals who believe that sex must always allow for the possibility of procreation, then allowing for other types of sexual variety may be a decided problem. This belief, though rare, may be held purely on religious grounds. It may also relegate the spillage of semen into a condom or on the outside of the vagina, as similar practices which essentially “waste” life or disrupt the natural probability to create life. Having such a belief about sexual expression could seriously inhibit what a couple is allowed to experiment with in bed. Admittedly, if a husband and wife both feel this way then there is unlikely to be a major issue. The challenge will emerge when one partner begins to think differently or is exposed to the concepts of sexual experimentation and may what to switch things up a bit.

On the other end of the spectrum is the individual who although exposed and open to the idea of diversifying the sexual experience, really holds a deeply entrenched view that “real sex” only involves the direct interfacing of penis and vagina. This could mean that although a couple may engage in other sexual acts, there is still the perception or belief that such is inferior to “the real deal”. And we know that what we intrinsically think about sex, plays a big part in our ability to really enjoy it. This could mean that the husband who manually stimulates his wife may want to hurry the act to get her aroused just so they could have ‘real sex’. But what if his wife needs that manual application to experience orgasm? What if the transition to penile thrusting breaks her flow? In his mind, such a husband may really be thinking that something is ‘wrong’ with his partner, especially if sexually she is wired differently to other women with which he may have been previously involved.  If this is in anyway communicated to his spouse, then she in turn can feel sexually inferior and this could put added pressure on the relationship.

Then there is what is now coyly termed the “Clinton-Lewinsky effect”. If you remember anything about the Clinton oral-sex scandal, then you should remember his insistence that he “never had sex with that woman.” Here was an educated, adult male who we thought should know better, essentially choosing to differentiate between oral sex and penile-vaginal intercourse by suggesting inadvertently that the former was not really sex; as if this would somehow magically absolve him of the act of adultery. I’m pretty sure his wife didn’t share this point of view! On the other hand, if a woman prefers oral stimulation or can only climax in this way, does this make her sexually inferior? Although most men would not turn down an opportunity to be “given heads”, many think less of their women, if they appear in their estimation to be overtly dependent on oral sexual stimulation.

Of course there are many couples who continue to enjoy a diverse sexual regimen. Then there are some women who don’t prefer or think they need oral stimulation. Whatever an individual’s sexual needs or tastes are, it is important that couples emerge their own sexual rhythm which is not contingent upon what the latest sex surveys say. Ultimately the penis and vagina are great tools in the sexual scheme of things but we should see our sexuality as a full-bodied experience, which also embraces our ideas and thinking about sex. Having said that, there are still some critical practices which are needed, to ensure a satisfying sexual experience for all.
1. Do NOT compare your spouse with any previous partner/partners you may have had
2. Celebrate your partner’s sexual uniqueness
3. Learn your spouse’s ENTIRE body (not just the genitals) like an instrument which you must strive to master
4. Understand that sexual needs, responses and tastes are not etched in stone but vary with age, experience and exposure; so  learn to embrace changes in sexual preferences when they come
5. It takes two to tango, so the dance towards sexual satisfaction is a two-way street
6. Learn to be flexible and open to “something new” in the sexual department
7. Celebrate your couple-sexuality as a full-bodied experience involving ALL of your body and your spouse’s
8. Understand that ALL orgasms are equal and banish the thought that some are “more equal” than others
9. See your sexual relationship as an expression of the sum-total of your relationship with your spouse; as a demonstration of love and not as an end in itself

8 Signs Your Relationship May Be In Trouble


ang couple
Do you know when your relationship is in serious trouble?

Whether your significant relationship/marriage is new or old, chances are it has gone through its fair share of highs and lows. While the traditional notion of “falling in love” may seem a tad euphoric and short-lived, growing in love, according to scientific research, is still a very real and explainable occurrence. Which brings me to the focus of this article.

What happens when our relationships seem to have reached a growth stalemate? Do we even recognize that things have come to a screeching halt in the growth department? Are we even aware of the signals which might suggest that our relationship may be in serious trouble? Do we even know what we can do to turn things around? The following list, though not exhaustive, represents some of the common warning signals which suggest that our relationship may be in serious trouble.

1. You no longer relish your partner’s company. While there is nothing wrong with some alone time or a girls’ or guys’ night out, if consistently, you would rather spend time alone or with others, instead  of your partner, then this may be a signal that something is not quite right in your relationship. The reason you chose your partner, is because you preferred him or her over all others. When this preference changes, it may indicate that hidden or unresolved issues have begun to take their toll on the relationship. This may also suggest that relationship neglect has occurred which fosters a sense of distance or “tiredness” between partners.

2You negatively compare your partner to other people. Yes; you may have had a physical ideal when it came to a life-partner, or they may have been a set of personality traits which you prefer; if you  have chosen  your partner in spite of the fact that he/she may have fallen short of your ideals, then you owe it to him/her to love completely; flaws, foibles, warts and all; learn to honour your choice and don’t do your partner a disservice by constantly comparing him/her to someone else; real or imagined

3You regularly “forget” special dates like birthdays, valentines or anniversaries or treat them like regular days. Very often a seemingly convenient lapse in memory is our way of deliberately communicating several things to our partner, without actually saying. Among them is our own feeling of neglect (so we do a tit for tat), a latent underlying anger or unforgiveness over some issue, our preoccupation with someone else or a blatant loss of interest in our partner leading to a disregard of their feelings. This can be a bitter pill to swallow, especially for women who place great stock and sentimentality into celebrating milestones.

4. There is an absence of meaningful conversation between you and your partner. When your relationship goes silent or if the only things you ever talk about are the kids, the bills or your horrible boss at work, then this may be a sign that your communication channels may need some work. Yes; some talk is better than none at all but special couple-time should also be allocated to sharing about your relationship, your individual or couple goals, your disappointments and of course the communication of how much you love and appreciate your partner.  An absence of meaningful conversation usually means that your partner is being taken for granted.

5. You are flirtatious with others or over-step emotional or sexual boundaries. There is no greater sign of relationship neglect than treading into an area which should be exclusive to your spouse. Being sexual with someone of the opposite sex does not have to include the actual sex act. We are usually sexual long before the penis and vagina interface; so inappropriate behavior can include anything from lustful ogling or undressing with the eyes  to staring deeply into the eyes of another to communicate desire, touching, caressing, sexting, grabbing private parts, kissing, suggestive talking and  the like. Such behaviour is inherently disrespectful to the one you should be committed to.

6. You never see yourself as being at fault in any couple-disputes and so you never apologize. If you can never, ever say sorry or you think you are always right, then this points to emotional under-development and is likely to retard the progress of the relationship. This is especially so since the last time your partner checked, they were probably no perfect people around (so where exactly did you come from?)

7. There is an absence of touch or physical displays of affection. Touch is the barometer that gauges the temperature of the relationship. So the absence of hand-holding, hugs, affectionate squeezes, affirming pats on the back, kisses, playful tickles or even the biggie; sexual intimacy, spells that your relationship is likely to be in some pretty big trouble. Who wants to be close or intimate with a spouse they really can’t stand?

8. You no longer say “I love you”, ever; nor do you attempt to demonstrate love in ways that are meaningful to your partner. This needs no further explanation; love is an action not a lofty ideal which exists in the thoughts; to be felt it must be demonstrated in a love-language or preferred way that is understood and desired by our loved ones.

If your relationship is plagued by one or more of these characteristics and nothing seems to be changing, then this may indicate a need for intervention through counselling, relationship coaching, or through serious dialogue and confrontation with your partner. If you choose to work through this on your own, the emphasis should be on communicating your concerns in a firm but loving way which ultimately conveys your concern for the life and longevity of the relationship.