Marriage + Sex = Boredom?


If you’ve watched VH1’s “Single Ladies”, (as I do religiously), then you would have recognized that the writers do a pretty good job of representing the life of the single lady as one that is fairly exciting. From the array of different men these gorgeous, well-dressed divas get to date, one would assume that singleness is all sexy fun to the hilt. Of course the girls do have their share of heartbreaks but as television goes, this is often remedied by the next hot dude to come along; an option which we married people should not even allow to cross our minds.

This brings me to the question of marriage and how it is represented in the movies. Since Hollywood pays scant attention to giving on screen marriages the same type of steamy, passionate scenes often afforded to singles “playing the field” or hooking up, many are fed the subliminal message that marriage plus sex equals boredom with a capital B. Many actually fear marriage because they assume it will spell the death of passion and excitement. While admittedly a long-term relationship like marriage will have its own set of challenges because a couple can become accustomed to each other, this should not automatically signal the end of romance and passion; especially if a couple is diligent about their relationship.

In my recently published book, “How To Have Mind Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain!” I seek to dispel the common myth which suggests that the quality of sex in marriage is necessarily poor. Read the following excerpt, to catch my thoughts on this issue.

MYTH 2: Marriage often signals the end (or at least the slow death) of regular, passionate, uninhibited sex. 

FACT: Not only has research shown that married people have the most sex but the regularity also means that they get to practise knowing each other’s bodies pretty well. This “practice-makes-perfect” routine means that far from inculcating boredom, husbands now have the opportunity to become the connoisseur of one woman’s body as opposed to being the mediocre player of several; the same holds true for women. Women also get to bask in the security of a committed relationship and can grow sexually with their partners from orgasmic strength to orgasmic strength.

Sheryl Kingsberg, Ph.D., assistant professor of Reproductive Biology and Psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, agrees with this premise when she states that “a woman’s sexual interest is greatest when she’s in a stable relationship.”  Another study conducted at the University of Chicago by the National Health and Social Life Survey, confirms that it is far more likely for unmarried women to experience anxiety about sexual performance hence hindering their ability to climax when compared to married women. How does this translate? Married women, by virtue of the emotional security they feel, tend to be more sexually confident and therefore more sexually responsive and orgasmic than women in other types of relationships.

The stability of marriage not only increases a woman’s desire for her partner but research has also shown that her husband’s sexual responsiveness as controlled by his testosterone levels, also becomes regulated by his wife’s menstrual cycle and by her own hormone levels. In fact, women in their twenties who have sex less than once a week have been found to have problems with ovulation, with regular menstrual cycles and even with maintaining regular sexual desire. This strengthens the notion that the regularity of marital sex can filter down and have a positive impact on all other areas of a woman’s reproductive health, thereby, increasing her sense of well-being.  And what do we want to do most when we feel well? Have more great sex of course!

Far from decreasing the incidences for passionate encounters, the psycho-emotional effects of the marital bond should encourage couples to work on the quality of their sexual relationship. Great sex is not so much about meeting the national average as it is about each couple finding and perfecting their own dance. At the same time, we don’t deny that the more a couple has sex, the greater their desire for each other will be.

© 2012 Denise J Charles   Taken from: “How To Have Mind Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain!”

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