Many women (and to a lesser extent men) are today bemoaning their inability to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. As a consequence, they peruse bars, nightclubs, churches, gyms, supermarket aisles; anywhere basically, hoping to find “the one”. Some of my girlfriends actually report that there are no worthwhile, available guys around. They’ve basically given up hope. Others assume that if they meet a guy in a particular context, that this means ‘Bingo!’ In other words, “meeting place” to them, says a lot about the type of guy they have “landed”.
For instance, such women may naively assume that an intellectual met at University will be a good marriage and financial prospect (dollar signs literally float in their heads) or that a gym enthusiast will be a great health buff, a teacher, good father material or a ‘church man’ one with integrity. We can become so consumed with not only meeting a partner but with where we meet him, because we believe that this “meeting-place” will determine the quality of the prospective partner. But in the quest for “the one” perhaps we need to look a bit further.
It’s not simply where you meet your partner that will determine the success or longevity of the ensuing relationship but really, whether or not you are “meetable”. What do I mean by this? Sometimes we can become so locked into what we are looking for and our specific requirements, that we forget to check on our own selves and our preparation, readiness or suitability for a relationship. So here are some critical questions. What are the important interpersonal dynamics which make you a good candidate for a relationship? You may have your own list of requirements but are you anywhere near to fulfilling them yourself? Are you even the type that someone would want to have a relationship with?
Warmth and Approachability
When a guy sees you, does he bolt and run in the opposite direction? Does your vibe say “I am available; ask me questions; get to know me” or does it convey “approach me at your own risk”. The initial message you send may be critical in determining whether or not your potential, ideal guy even bothers to give you the time of day. Admittedly, some of us women may have had bad experiences and as a result, just want to keep the undesireables at bay. In the process, we may have set up a virtual scowl which says “don’t even think about it!” and this just might scare off the right guy! It is important therefore that we remain aware of how and who we send our signals to.
While we are definitely not cows on display at the local animal exhibition, there is nothing wrong with ensuring that we look like the type of girl a guy would want to take home to his mother. I know many women who drool over a guy’s six pack abs or his firm biceps, while paying scant attention to their own fitness or grooming. Am I buying into the concept that a woman is no more than what she looks like? Of course not, but no guy will be initially attracted to your wonderful personality. Men are definitely not intuitive personality readers. They can’t get to know the unseen, without first approaching what they can see; namely you. So while wanting a guy to love you for who you really are is all well and good, he needs to be given the okay to really get to know you in the first place. In the presentation department, it is also unfair to demand what you yourself are unwilling to deliver. So it is important for a girl to get her glamour on.
There is perhaps nothing as endearing as finding a really decent guy; you know the type that was perhaps raised by his grandmother and who exudes old-fashioned chivalry. There is also the belief that you can tell the type of man you’re dealing with based on how he treats his mother or by extension his home circle. In the same way, a woman’s level of commitment to her parents, siblings or even her friends, can say a lot about the type of partner she is likely to be. Even as you search out these qualities in your ‘Mr. Right’, are you aware of what your familial relationships reveal about you? What about the quality of your regular friendships? Are you loyal, gossipy, afraid to confront or overtly critical? It is likely that the habits you have imbibed in negotiating your other relationships, will also influence how you handle a romantic relationship. So before you spill the beans on your best friend to a new guy, be aware of what he is probably surmising about you.
A woman who knows who she is and what she’s about is undeniably sexy and will draw most men like a moth to a flame. We women are also drawn to a man who is self-assured and knows what he wants out of life. Conversely, a wimpy, blundering, indecisive man is as attractive as a prickly thorn. Most of us want to avoid such men, unless we are really manipulative, control-freaks! In spite of this, so many of us women, lack the inner confidence, which we crave in a prospective partner. We often convey a needy dependence which most men find unattractive. While I do support the idea of partners building each others’ self-esteem, neither of us should be entirely or solely dependent on the other for affirmation. We should not enter a relationship because we need it to feel complete. Confidence conveys an infectious energy which makes it known that we are ripe and ready for a relationship because we chose to be.
Lest I be misunderstood, I am not conveying that personal perfection is required for us to be relationship ready. The reality is, that quite often, it is our very quirks and imperfections which draw us to each other since as the saying goes, “opposites attract”. We seek to compensate our own weaknesses by discovering opposing strengths in others and this may have some merit. Be that as it may, if we want to be taken seriously, then it may pay to take some time to look inward. Are we emotionally prepared to dish out what we are so willing to take from another? Are we prepared to be that partner that we want or require? If after honest reflection we discover that we aren’t, do we intend to work on making ourselves at least a little more ready? Ultimately, in this game called love, it just might pay to play fair.