Monthly Archives: October 2011

He’s Attracted to Your Booty; You to His Brain!

Women look for cues and read a whole lot into a man’s body language. Men ogle a woman’s body and basically say to themselves, “talk to me baby”. Hmmm, what exactly accounts for the differences in the law of sexual attraction when it comes to men and women? It is agreed that who and why we find a certain individual sexually attractive can be somewhat mysterious. As we investigate the issue of sexual attraction or chemistry among men and women, the layers of differences can actually be startling.

When a group of men were quizzed by Doctor Drew Pinsky (of Sex with Dr. Drew fame) as to what they found attractive in a woman, the males readily admitted that it was the woman’s physical appearance which got them every time. In the words of one man; how could it be anything else? He maintained that when you don’t know an individual who you meet for the first time, then of course you will zero in on what makes you go all tingly inside. For most men, the source of this “itchy-tingly” feeling are the breasts, buttocks, face, eyes, legs and even hair of a woman.

When the women were quizzed however in terms of what they found attractive in a man; the answers got a lot more complex and a lot less predictable. Women admitted to being struck by a guy’s hands (and not for the reasons you’re thinking). They noticed things like whether or not his nails were clean. These indicated a man’s sense of himself; whether or not he thought highly enough of himself to take care of small things like that. Then it was his body language and whether or not it conveyed confidence and strength of character. It seems that while men were determining whether a woman was a 36-24-36, a woman was trying to decipher whether a man could add 36, 24 and 36; this “brain-power” being among the qualities that would make him worth the time of day.

What these differences indicate is that while that click of chemistry between a man and a woman can be instantaneous, it is often based on a slew of genetic influences. According to scientists, when man is on the prowl for a mate, he is actually trying to find one that is healthy and capable of reproducing his offspring. This theory leads us down the path of determining what a man finds beautiful or attractive in a prospective mate. According to research, it seems that universally, across racial and ethnic boundaries, there are certain features that all humans seems to find appealing which apparently indicate good health and fertility.  For men, these include things like the symmetry of a woman’s face and the grace of her movement (now we know why men are fascinated by a woman’s walk!)

While women were more into determining character and integrity (I guess this indicates whether a man will stick around for the off-spring he produces), they were also taken by the movement of a male. In fact, a fascination with movement was found to be one of the more common traits of attraction shared by both men and women. For a woman, a man’s flexibility and athleticism, is as much linked to his sexual prowess, as it is to his ability to be a good hunter/provider. Is it any wonder then why women love men who can dance? Conversely, for men, a woman with wonderfully sashaying full hips, indicates a woman not only ripe for carrying a man’s offspring but things like her breasts and thighs are also linked in his mind with her ability to give sexual pleasure.

When picked down in such scientific ways, the seeming “science” of sexual chemistry may appear to rob what most of thought were just “magic moments” or peculiar “twists of fate” or even divine designation. Whatever your take on the matter, science and genetics aside, choosing a partner should involve a lot more than just surface attractions. Yes, there will be crazy, inexplicable, magnetic connections that appear to draw us to a particular person. But at the end of it all, it is important that we ensure that the person we may want to spend the rest of our lives with, has the qualities that will make them a suitable candidate for a relationship of permanence; if indeed that is what we are looking for.

Women, I believe, may be getting it a bit right by allowing their radars to cess out a lot more than just a man’s good looks. Reading chapter and verse into small cues like whether he makes good eye contact or talks respectfully of other women, can go a long way in separating the wolves in the pack. Of course some of us are still affected by external things like height (suggests a protector) and education and status (can suggest a good provider). But these factors should never be ends in themselves. Some men will make success at life “off the beaten path”; minus degrees and traditional status symbols. They may possess “street smarts” or even have an intuitive sense of how to make good money without the Harvard MBA. And to boot, they may even be short!

By the same token, a woman may not exactly be modelesque, with a symmetrical face or she may not be a riveting conversationalist. She may, however, have the wonderful qualities which would make her a great life-partner. A guy will never know this, however, if he never takes the time to get past his initial impression. I do agree that we will start somewhere in terms of initial physical attraction; that’s just how we are. But then it takes time to really get to know someone and usually we realise that sometimes that sexy butt or that engaging smile was not all it was cracked up to be. We may to some extent be biologically hard-wired to find certain things attractive in each other but common-sense and gut-instinct go a long way in helping us to really find that love for a lifetime.


What on Earth is “Shejaculation”?

Women can be caught off-guard by "new" sexual discoveries.

This is not meant to cast any doubt on those women who claim to have experienced this. IT REALLY IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE WITH ME. Only a few decades ago the sexual debate was on about whether a woman’s orgasm was clitoral or vaginal. And a few decades before that it was whether or not a woman could even experience an orgasm. The Century before that, Doctors were wondering if women were perhaps suffering from a case of Victorian Hysteria and needed a pelvic “massage” for release. Boy have we come a long way!

Long has the debate ended about which orgasm was superior; was it the vaginal or clitoral orgasm which took the cake? Never mind the detailed research by Masters and Johnson, some women were delirious to be at last experiencing one; they really didn’t care where it came from! We moved on to discussing the woman’s enviable ability to be multi-orgasmic, and then on to the even huger issue of the now infamous G Spot; was it real or was it not? Just when we thought we were settling down to the understanding that female sexuality was not the mega-puzzle that you had to have a Ph. D in to unravel; somebody came up with a yet another ground-breaking discovery. Women, they say can and do ejaculate! And to boot if you don’t, you sure are missing out.

Now let me reiterate that I’m not knocking those women who make claims to having experienced this “squirting” phenomenon; more power to them and their partners. What I am convinced of, however, is that we must desist this awful habit of making sex an experience of “keeping up with the Joneses”. Yes, I will admit that our sexuality is pretty powerful but it is also pretty individualistic. Why is a woman’s sexuality therefore frequently the subject of table-top conversation as if we are “freaks of nature” who have to be constantly told how to “do it right?” And why do we insist in making it rocket science? Why also does it seem that no matter how much a woman is in-tuned sexually, there is always just one more ground-breaking discovery, which will launch her permanently into sexual bliss? Until of course some other discovery emerges.

Why does it seem that we have to finally language our sex in ‘masculine’ terms in order to validate our sexuality? Of course some women will become more lubricated than others when aroused or when reaching a climax and yes that lubricant or liquid may squirt but why are we even comparing it to male ejaculation? Couldn’t we have found our own unique term? You know how the anthropologists and scientists claim that space is man’s final frontier? Well is ejaculation ours? I mean, can we finally now be considered sexual equals with men since we can “ejaculate” together?! Of course you get my drift . . .

These questions are of course designed to make us reflect on the money-making business female sexuality has become. It seems a social given that men will have sex, experience pleasure, ejaculate, procreate at times if the conditions are right, (no big deal) while the female seems doomed forever to jumping on new bandwagons of new sexual frontiers. It is not that I’m suggesting that sexuality is not dynamic and worthy of investigation and discussion; why ever else would I write this blog? What I’m weary of is the underlying suggestion that we women have to learn just one more thing to be sexually fulfilled; and it’s very often something suggested by a man! Boy, are we strangers to our own vaginas!

So the next time you read or hear that you have to be “trained” to ejaculate so that you could rightfully enter this latest frontier of a female sexual utopia; pause long enough to examine the sex you’re having now. Do you enjoy the closeness of your spouse? Are you orgasmic? Are you having enough sex? Does your sexuality extend beyond mere penile-vaginal interfacing? How could you make your sex-life better? Answer those questions truthfully and engage in dialogue with your spouse before you jump on the “shejaculation” bandwagon and imbibe feelings of sexual inferiority because you’ve never had one.

And of course, if you choose to investigate this theory; well that’s entirely up to you. Happy searching!

It’s Finally Here: How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain!

Finally, it’s here! HOW TO HAVE MIND-BLOWING SEX WITHOUT LOSING YOUR BRAIN! The new book on sex, sexuality and relationships by Relationship Coach, Counselor, Author, and International Columnist, Denise J Charles.

You can purchase the e-book format from Amazon’s kindle store ( by following the link below. Paper-back books to be available from soon.

Follow the link here to purchase your e-book:

How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain!

The paper-back edition will launch officially in Barbados on Friday October 21st at Lanterns Mall; 7:00 PM. To pre-order call (246) 820-7387 or e mail





Listen to what other’s are saying about Denise’s writing: Dr.Trina Read