I know this article will probably tick off some men. Sorry guys. But I also know that some women will immediately connect with the imagery. When it comes to sex, some men are definitely men and unfortunately other men seem destined to remain boys. What exactly do I mean? Not being a man myself of course I can only make this summation based on years of keen observation, the anecdotal stories of my girlfriends and through the self-incriminating utterances and actions of men themselves.
The popular R and B group of the 1980’s, Boys 2 Men, were not only endearing to us because of their wonderful harmonious blends. As fans we also fell in love with the concept of the group; with the fact that the group represented the antics and expressions of boys growing into manhood. Of course this was clever marketing designed to garner a huge female fan-base. What right-thinking woman can resist the spectacle of the smooth-talking boy-man?
But what does this have to do with love making you might legitimately ask? Everyone knows how much men love sex. Realistically, in terms of importance, it’s an activity right up there with breathing oxygen. Let’s face it girls, it’s just how they’ve been wired. That having been said, it is critical to note that while men will “grow up” in several areas of their lives (financially, educationally, and in terms of their independence) several of them, seem perennially stuck in boyhood-land, in the area of their sexuality.
I will expand on this by comparing several traits of the “sexual boy” and “the sexual man”. This is not to suggest that I am promoting that chronological boys should have sex but my terminology is simply a euphemism to describe an immature versus a mature way of viewing love, sex and relationships.
The Sexual Boy
- Wants sex on demand and is either unaware of or is insensitive to issues like his woman’s cycle, hormone changes, illness or mood swings
- Is focused on the sexual hardware; that is, size, shape, texture, look or feel of the vagina, butt and or breasts; will frequently obsess about them
- Is impatient about having his sexual needs met so is likely to rush to a sexual climax whether or not his partner is sexually satisfied
- Sex is likely to be a purely genital-focused activity
- Sex is more about “doing it”; it’s a thing to be done and is severely depersonalized
- Limited eye contact, limited vocalization of desire; there is a decided fear of intimacy and of being emotionally vulnerable during sex; eyes are therefore often closed and there is limited talking before, during or after sex
- Will tend to hug and show affection only when interested in “getting it on”
The Sexual Man
- Wants to enjoy lots of sex but is thoughtful and aware of his woman’s physical and emotional challenges; is patient and willing to wait it out
- Appreciates all the hardware but is more focused on making love to his entire woman (her soul and essence) and not just her vagina; desires his woman fully and lets her know this
- Is hard pressed to ensure that his wife is sexually fulfilled before he is because he recognizes that after he climaxes it’s virtually all over; balances fully giving into the moment and practicing self-restraint; remembers “with my body I thee worship!”
- Is able to use the love-making act to celebrate his partner’s entire body; not just her genitals
- Whether sex is hot and passionate or slow and romantic the focus is the woman; not the performance
- Is comfortable exposing his desire for his woman with words and actions, communicates during sex and is emotionally available even when the act is over (will not roll over and play dead)
- Will show love and physical affection even when not feeling horny
Even though all women would love to dwell in relationship utopia with a “sexual man” instead of a “sexual boy”, chances are that many of us find ourselves saddled with the latter. Why is this you might ask? Social norms continue to dictate that we raise boys to be uncomfortable with the expression of emotion because we are afraid of feminizing them. We are then forced to settle with the fallout from such a practice in our intimate relationships. As a result, as women, we continue to make sexual and emotional demands of our men that they have not been socialized to deliver on a normal day.
It is likely that the “sexual man” has had a really balanced up-bringing by wise parents who allowed him to engage all aspects of his personality. Even if this were not the case, through education, reflection and or counseling, he has learned to tap into his softer-gentler, nurturing side and has perfected the fine art of combining this with his raw, male sexiness. The result is a really desirable guy who knows how to bring both sexual and emotional pleasure to his intimate relationship.
What’s A Woman to Do?
For those women who have been married for years, it is probable that they have seen much more of the “sexual boy” in their beds than the “sexual man”. What’s a woman then to do in this scenario? Realistically there is no quick fix to deeply ingrained behavior patterns with which we have become comfortable or with which we define ourselves. One obvious characteristic of an exclusive relationship, should nonetheless be, the communication of dissatisfaction. There can be no hope for improvement in the relationship, if sex is allowed to continue unruffled; even if the male ego is a sacred cow. This calls for direct honesty on the part of the woman who is unhappy in bed. The following represents some of the response choices available to her.
- Talk it Over: Using ‘I’ statements, instead of ‘You’ statements, ( eg; “I feel like . . .” instead of “You never make me feel . . .” ) COMMUNICATE your dissatisfaction in a disarming, non-accusatory way; accusing your spouse will only encourage him to get on the defensive and may alienate him further or make matters worse.
- Show and Tell: As much as is possible, MODEL the behavior you want to see in bed. While there is no guarantee that this will be reciprocated, at least there is a point of reference from which he can observe what it is you really need. So if you want sexy talk while you’re having a go at it; don’t be shy, show him how it’s done.
- Practice makes Perfect: Although there is an ingrained knee-jerk response in us women to withhold sex when we are unhappy, this can be counter-productive. The more you PRACTISE the act of making your sex better, the more those natural love hormones are able to work at breaking down your partner’s emotional barriers.
- Don’t Cast the First Stone: There is nothing worse than making a man feel that he is entirely at fault in a relationship (especially because he never is). Before a woman off-loads on her man, it would be good for her to PAUSE, SEARCH and REFLECT to see which behavior she may also need to adjust. Showing your own flaws and foibles is in fact an excellent way to secure empathy
- Seek Wise Counsel: When all else fails, TRY PROFESSIONAL INTERVENTION. Of course many men hate attending a counselor but this can be navigated tactfully, especially when he realizes that you’re all about improving the sex. After all is said and done, if sex is as important to him as he lets on, then there should be no limit to what he is willing to try to make it even better.