What a Woman Needs

If you’re a man and you thought you understood women or your woman/wife I think you’ve got another think coming. I am a woman and we were not built for easy understanding. It’s just not in our blueprint. If we could easily be unravelled and our behaviour predicted, chances are the history of the world might have been different. I am sure that if men could have read women easily, there would have been fewer wars, political scandals, cases of espionage, and fewer nervous breakdowns. Not only are we difficult to predict, but getting to know us can be akin to learning an outdated foreign language like Latin.

Realistically, I do believe that the wiring of our brain is vastly different and this is actually more than a feeling or a fly by night deduction. Scientific research does confirm that men and women are distinctive in the way they process information, respond to stimuli, deal with stress, communicate, handle emotions, articulate and process pain. Then there is the biggie; men and women definitely differ in the way they think about, have and enjoy sexual relationships.

But this is exactly where we run into problems; you have a man with a reduced capacity to articulate and communicate emotion being controlled by the highly reactive hormone testosterone (the sex-drive hormone). Then you have us women with a tremendous ability to operate between brain hemispheres, being heavily influenced by the nurturing quality of oxytocin (the love hormone). The end result is a potentially unresolvable relationship dilemma.  There is man on the one hand, driven by a great need for sex (and the chase and conquering components involved)  and on the other, there is woman, driven by the need for love and nurturance (and all the cuddly, emotional, conversation-based, mumbo-jumbo involved).

Actually, I want to approach this issue of male and female differences from a slightly different angle. Much of what I have identified as male-female distinctions may seem obvious, predictable and for the most part, like stale news. We’ve all heard that men are from Mars and women from Venus and the like. We have on our hands today, however, a shifting dynamic which has been significantly popularized in the media. Yes; the ideas and images we imbibe via the big screen, the box, the PC and the printed word, have somehow succeeded in redefining womanhood for us.

The result is that we have somehow become convinced that to be the exciting, take-charge women of the twenty-first century, who are going to extract what we truly deserve from our relationships, we have to become exactly like men. You know what I mean; hooking up in endless relationships just to get a chance to say we’ve had some variety, buying that pet vibrator, because after all at least that does what we ask and doesn’t talk back or sulk, going after any man with the right hardware in his pants regardless of his sense of morality or plain decency, using men like they have used us for centuries, using sex like a contact sport about to go out of style and yes, using our sexuality just to get by, regardless of the consequences.

Of course I can hear the loud protests of those of you who will say that women have done this stuff for ages and that such behaviour is nothing new. Women have always used men; just ask Jezebel. I will concede to you some truth there; women have always known the power of the apple and many have used it for the demise of even kingdoms. The difference now is that we don’t shun such behaviour necessarily or turn our noses down at it; at least not enough of us do judging by what I see some educated, professional women doing out there. We have somehow come full circle in embracing and emulating such behaviour to the point that we actually believe that what we think we want, is actually what we need.

So most girls will argue that what they want is the sexy guy with the big penis, the guy who can either buy them the bling or at least use his money to show them a good time, even if they buy their own bling, the guy who will leave his other woman for them (never mind she may be his wife), the guy who looks good on paper (degree, car, nice job, great body) never mind he has the emotional depth of a fly. In other words many of us girls have lowered our standards in a case of “if you can’t beat ’em join ’em” and the result is a deep relationship dissatisfaction or dilemma.

This makes us even more confusing to men because when we have what we think we want (them), we suddenly realise that it’s not enough. So the relationship which began as the occasional booty-call, you know when there was a certain itch that needed to be scratched, is suddenly unfulfilling and we know it (and the poor guy doesn’t have a clue). A number of studies conducted among College women who have embraced hooking up, have acknowledged this. Many such girls claim that they “hook-up” to be popular with the guys, or to be “with it” but acknowledge that they often want much more from their relationships. Because they are afraid to make certain relationship demands, they believe that they must immerse who they really are (what they really need) behind this tough image of the liberated girl who needs nothing else but some good, toe-curling, sex.

This brings me right back to the beginning of our discussion. Men and women are different because it is expected that we will compliment each other and more than “make-up” for each others’ weaknesses and or strengths. Am I therefore suggesting that guys are wired to be philanderers and cheaters who can’t commit and we should just let them? Not on your life! Of course they have great sex-drives, but discipline and self-control must be employed so that they understand that all that great drive can best be served in ONE relationship. (Studies do prove that the more a man has sex with his wife, the more connected to her he becomes). And we who are gifted with the ability to communicate and articulate deep emotion, must not hide this strength but should allow it to “rub-off” where possible on our partner.

If we as women however deny what we really need and lower our standards because this is what has become acceptable, or we think that “our biological clock is ticking”, we are truly short-changing ourselves. After that great night of love-making, and the oxytocin has set in and there’s that need to cuddle and prolong the connection, the guy who is dressing to go back home to his wife will never do. Of course they are those women who claim they don’t want any such permanent connection or marriage and will continue to do what they think they need to do to survive sexually. But I’m not addressing such women.

Many of us girls do long for that great love that will sweep us off our feet and last forever. The guy who is just into us for the sex, will never give us what our spirit craves because he is not even connected with what he really needs either (why else would he be hopping from bed to bed). A relationship will only be a success when both parties involved come to terms with their own needs and expectations (and I mean those that go beyond sex). This means beginning the relationship with a real conversation and with some shared goals which embrace you as a whole person and not just as a vagina or “some” or “piece”. This has to happen long before the clothes start to come off because if you begin your relationship with connectionless sex, chances are that this is where it will remain.

So what does a woman need? She needs to know who she is so that she can be true to herself and her values. This will help her to be uncompromising in her search for a love that will last a lifetime.

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