Good Girls Who Love Bad Boys

Among women today, much energy is spent on crying down the unscrupulous behaviour of men and don’t worry, I’m not here to excuse such behaviour. Some men are definitely canine in their activity. The sad indictment is that many of us women are aids and abettors to their relationship crimes. By our very acquiescence and our sexual cooperation with such men, we validate their bad behaviour.

I have known and counselled with women who have continued to pursue married men who reneged on their familial responsibilities, abused their wives, neglected their children and lied and cheated daily to maintain their infidelity. Yet their extra-marital paramours continue to  treat these men like water in a dessert or like rare gems without whom they are unable to live. Why don’t we women get it that any man who cheats, is a cheater at heart and will likely continue such actions with his new woman? He just needs time. I have watched with amusement men expend much energy in  blackening the character of their wives in order to get the sympathy (and sexual favour) of a new or potential lover. And I have always wondered what causes us women to fall for their hogwash! What is it that influences a seemingly intelligent woman to throw all caution to the wind in pursuance of a man who is clearly lacking in relationship integrity?

Do we women compartmentalize male behaviour so much that we separate what a man does with another woman from what he will do with us? Why do some of us feel drawn to the type of guy our mothers repeatedly warned us about? What is it about the “bad boy” that we find attractive or even sexy? Why do some of us approve of a man lying to his wife or girlfriend just so he could be with us? Is a lie okay simply because we are the seeming beneficiary of it?

When it comes to poor relationship choices, we may think that the “good girl”  simply can’t help herself and must give in to the cravings of her heart and body when such a negative man steps into the picture. It is not as simple as that nor is there a one-size fits all explanation when it comes to “good-girl-gone-bad” behaviour.

I admit that there are some women who just like sex (and at surface value there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking sex). They want to be laid and they don’t pretty much care about the owner of the penis. As long (every pun intended) as there is a penis doing the job, they have little interest in the character of its owner. Such women are often seen as sexual vixens and are usually referred to by terms which are less than complimentary and which will remain unmentioned in this forum. Such women don’t surprise us by their sexual choices or by their lack of propriety; after all this is behaviour which we expect from these notorious “bad-girls”. Even if we don’t approve of this behaviour, we acknowledge that it exists.

There is however another breed of female who shocks the living daylights out of us by her relationship choices. This is a woman who may be married; who may have lived a fairly sheltered and morally upright life. She may even be in Church or some other volunteer organisation. She may make all the right choices when it comes to her professional or academic life. Where relationships are concerned, however, her good judgment is in the toilet and she continues to make a failing grade.

Very often this woman feels conflicted about her sex-life or about sex on the whole. She wants to love sex but can’t seem to love it in the context of what she may see as her staid and proper up-bringing, or her boring and conservative personality. She therefore has an almost overwhelming need to become transformed sexually in order to enjoy sex. One easy way of facilitating such a transformation, is by drawing on the sexual energy of a partner who is without sexual scruples; that is, she becomes involved with a man who for all intents and purposes appears to be her sexual opposite.This gives her the psychological permission to be the hot, sexy and wild creature she has always longed to be but couldn’t quite pull off. The “bad-boy” therefore has a distinct pull for this “good-girl” who perhaps isn’t so good after all.

Another “good-girl” type is just so naive that she continues to make poor relationship choices or misjudges character. She often finds herself with the “bad-boy” because a woman like her is not much of a testosterone challenge. Bad-boys feel drawn to her like bees to honey. Why?  Because she is a gullible sucker who provides plenty grease for the ego of the Penis Man (please see previous post on the Penis Man). She is so gullible and susceptible that it doesn’t take a whole lot to get her to “drop the drawers” as it were. If her naivete is also fed by a low self-esteem, then her bad-boy is really in candy-land. He simply needs to learn how to pull her strings and he can get all the sex he wants. This is because her sense of self is wrapped up in her ability to please and appease. She has not learned to say “no” sexually, does not know how to stand up for herself and will continue to produce sex-on-demand, in order to feed her need for approval.

Then there are the saviour-types among us. Women who have an over-powering need to reform and transform men. I am convinced that such women have always wanted to be Super-Woman when they grew up. In most cases they have either bitten off more than they can chew or have a herculean feat on their hands in trying to reform their bad-boy.To their credit they usually believe themselves up to the challenge because they see themselves as lifestyle “fixers”. They have always played by the rules and they believe that they can get the wayward among us on the track of the straight and narrow. More often than not they have honed the fine art of managing other people’s lives. Family members, work colleagues and friends have most likely benefited from their well-meaning interference and attempts at life-organisation.

In a love relationship with a “bad-boy”, however, such a woman  has likely met her match. As much as she is empowered and energised by her attempts at changing others, her guy is also energised by being a work in progress that just happens never to progress. That is, he has no inner motivation to change his ways because it is his very ways that get him all the attention and sex that he craves. The more bad he is, the more his “good-girl” lays it on thickly, hoping that her unconditional love (and back-breaking sex no doubt) will transform and save him from himself.

Whether the good-girls among us are saviour-types, have low self-esteem, feel sexually conflicted or are the genuinely strong types who can put a weak man in his place when necessary, we all need to acknowledge a need for solidarity. When we women stop competing and start exposing our vulnerabilities to each other, maybe we will find ourselves in a place where we can really provide strength or direction for a weaker sister. Of course people are free to do what ever they want and very often what they want is to be left alone! That being said, a great love-life is likely only to emerge when a woman has a strong sense of who she is independently of a man. This will truly empower her to make the choices which are in her best interest and in the interest of her own happiness.

The Anatomy of the “Penis Man”

Let me start by saying that this is not one of those estrogen-inspired, male-bashing articles. I happen to have a very healthy respect for testosterone and for the vessels which carry it in abundance; namely men.  After all, I happen to live with four of these testosterone carriers and have definitely survived to tell the tale. Not to take credit for the term “penis man”, I must admit to having heard a guy use it several years ago. Admittedly, it definitely struck a chord back then, as I’m sure it will with you readers now. Not that there was an all out thesis-statement then with my friend’s use of the term but as a writer on sex and sexual issues, I have taken it upon myself to re-coin the term and add my own inimitable spin on it.

Since all normal men have penises, the term seems to hold its fair share of redundancies. So what exactly is a PM? And what happens to us girls if we happen to live with one? A PM for all intents and purposes is a guy who has two heads (like all other guys I’m sure) but is guided wholly and solely by the one in his pants. Huh? Isn’t that so with all the regular guys we know? (Well not exactly.) So what exactly is my point? There is an old German proverb which says “When the penis grows hard, the brain goes soft”. That sums up expertly and accurately the plight of this particular male species. The Penis Man is so much guided by the radar in his boxer-shorts that he will allow it to influence all of his decision-making. His good-judgment can become virtually non-existent because his penis is somewhat squeezing the very life out of the gray-matter in his brain.

Now I actually believe in a brand of male sexuality that is good, healthy, and right up there with the vitamin-rich, whole-grain cereal our Doctors swear is good for us. There is nothing like a guy with a confident swagger who knows he is sexy to boot but who will not use his obvious sex-appeal to disadvantage the girl in the office or the Granny in the supermarket aisle. In other words, he has good sex-appeal but is not vain or unscrupulous with it. And to his Mother or Grandmother’s credit, he displays a fair share of good manners and that sweet, old-fashioned chivalry which make us girls go weak at the knees every time. But this article is not about that type of guy. We can spot this kind a mile away and he’s usually the type we want to take home to our mothers. We can well imagine living with him behind the white picket fence and having him father our babies. But alas, we are forced to enter the real world where other varieties exist. The reality is that this Exhibit A of which I speak, is a rare gem in the dessert and quite hard to find in the everyday world where most of us live.

The truth is that many of the brothers have learned to capitalize on what works for them and many of us women have been the easy suckers who have fallen for their game.  The following descriptions are designed to help you recognize the Penis Man/Men in your life and hopefully you may be influenced to act or choose wisely from here onward.

The PM will (if he could) watch himself having sex and when finished lean back for the standing ovation; all with a silly smirk on his face (somewhat like the cat that swallowed the canary). This tells us that PM’s are highly performance-oriented and narcissistic. Everything is really all about their egos and how good they are in bed. What feeds this behaviour however is not the PM’s genuine concern for his partner’s enjoyment or well-being. He is motivated instead by a selfish desire to be known as “the best”. This is so he could have fuel for his locker-room or “over-drinks” conversations with his other peeps.

Penis Men therefore do not really respect women. All women are walking, living, breathing vaginas for the taking. Women to PMs are reduced to mere sexual objects for their pleasure and for the gratification of their egos. A PM will not give a woman the time of day, unless he believes that he can get into her pants; after all to Penis Men, women serve no other purpose but sex and if not that, at least a fair share of lustful ogling. A PM therefore may be very flattering in his comments. He may also see all women as “honeys” and “sweethearts” because women are only as valuable as he constructs them to be. (Ever wondered about the invention of the term “Playboy Bunny”?)

The Penis Man’s obsession with sex a la “penis grows hard, brain goes soft”, ensures that he does not think through his sexual choices with any clarity or intelligence. He engages in highly risky sexual behaviour because sex is all about the thrill of danger. The more dangerous the escapade, the more excited he becomes and the more interested he is in perpetuating this behaviour. For example, a PM will have unprotected sex with multiple partners. No matter how much some PMs may be warned about the dangers of unprotected sex, they ultimately believe that they will cheat disease. To the PM there is nothing more important than his pleasure and personal aggrandizement. Risky sexual behaviour also includes having sex with someone’s wife, doing it in a room at work when he thinks no one is looking, having sex with a minor, and of course lying constantly to feed his sexual addiction. At the worst level a Penis Man could even be on the down low!

Ultimately the Penis Man is one who worships at the feet of sex. He is guided daily in his sexual decisions by the anticipation of pleasure despite the risks, cost, or consequences. This is however symptomatic of deeper emotional and psychological issues. To be fair to him, he may have had attachment issues from childhood and may have experienced a lack of love, attention or a consistent sense of being nurtured. Sex, once it was discovered, became then a substitute for feelings of worth and acceptance. He may have tried to use pleasure as a substitute for feelings of inadequacy and incompleteness. He may have also suffered from female sexual abuse as a teen (yes guys that first older woman who laid you was really your child-abuser). As a result, he believed every lie she and every woman since that time spouted; that he was no better than the length and weight of his penis. Is it any wonder that Penis Men actually become obsessed with their literal penis (duh) and will either boast of its size, lie about it or wonder how it compares with others?

Unfortunately, the woman who finds herself involved with a PM is in for the ride of her life, and I don’t mean “fun ride”. She is likely to be a victim of insensitivity and infidelity in such a relationship. And I’m not suggesting that PMs never care about a woman’s pleasure; not by any means. Of course he wants to hear her scream the house down and particularly he wants her to scream his name. However where we women go wrong is in misunderstanding the PM’s obsession with our bodies. At the heart of this, is a man who cares primarily about himself. He does not understand anything about notions of selfless love or integrity. The PM is not into a woman for who she is. He just wants to use her vagina until a brighter, friendlier more unfamiliar one comes along; as every woman with a broken heart on account of repeated unfaithfulness already knows.

For the woman who knows her worth and wants to be valued as a whole person, the Penis Man will never, ever do. For the woman who was taken for a ride by a PM and was hurt in the process, there is absolutely nothing wrong with walking away; (stiff upper lip, chin up, you go girl!)  For the woman who walks with eyes wide open, right into a relationship with this “bad boy” because she thinks this is hot and sexy, well, she has her own set of issues and that is a whole other article and discussion. Stay tuned . . .

WHAT KIND OF APPLE ARE YOU? Exploring Sexual Power Styles

Some of us are happy and satisfied with our sex lives: at least I assume so, I don’t actually have the statistics to prove one way or another. Others of us are kind of bored with the idea of sex, some like what sex brings (promises, gifts, attention) while others of us are having sex like if we’re trying to save the planet from extinction. This article is an attempt to look at the serious idea of a “sexual power style” in a lighthearted way, by linking this concept to an apple. Not that there is a distinct similarity between apples and sex because there is no literal connection (of course except for sweetness) but the truth is that apples are easily accessible to most of us and they are things we love to bite into and chew. Plus that old adage “an apple a day keeps the Doctor away” seems to have a familiar ring of truth to it when we think about sex. So maybe there is some similarity after all . . .

NB: “Sexual Power Style” is that inner instinct which makes us aware of how our sexuality shapes, defines and connects us to others. Read on to discover what type of apple you are.

WHAT KIND OF APPLE ARE YOU?  Exploring Sexual Power Styles Most women generally love to be in love. We love relationships because we love . . .  relating. We enjoy connecting. We love sex (those of us who do) because sex makes us feel desirable and on a good day, loved. We therefore understand intimately the power of sex. At least most of us do. From as far back as we can remember, there has always been some crazy boy panting and trying all types of tricks to get us to “drop the drawers” as it were. Some … Read More

WHAT KIND OF APPLE ARE YOU? Exploring Sexual Power Styles

Most women generally love to be in love. We love relationships because we love . . .  relating. We enjoy connecting. We love sex (those of us who do) because sex makes us feel desirable and on a good day, loved. We therefore understand intimately the power of sex. At least most of us do. From as far back as we can remember, there has always been some crazy boy panting and trying all types of tricks to get us to “drop the drawers” as it were. Some of us gave in because this is what we wanted to do at the time, some of us held fast the fort waiting for that special someone to come along or the ring, others of us were not mildly interested and still others got a heady rush from doling out that special something to who ever came along.

Even though among women there will be diverse responses to sex and sexuality based on upbringing, culture, religion, socialization and values, what is common among us is an understanding of the power of sex. Many, if not all of us understand quite well the pull or the tug of sexual attraction or chemistry.We women know intuitively that we have something that men invariably want. Steve Harvey (Author of Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man) calls it “the cookie”. I like to call it “the apple”. Yeah we all have apples that the guys just long to devour; and it’s not what you’re thinking! Please don’t be mistaken, the apple and its nectar of which I speak is not simply the literal vagina. If that were all a man wanted, such could easily be had from the prostitute down the street.

What most men crave is the essence of our sexual power. They long to unravel the mystery. They want to uncover the mystique; that illusive thing about us that they can’t quite name or put their finger on. They somehow believe that once they have sex with us, that once they possess us sexually and “nail us with their penises”, that their craving will be less potent or that their hunger will be quenched. They somehow think that they will feel more in control of us and of their confusing feelings; that they will somehow “know’ us better and in the case of the Casanovas, would have earned bragging rights often heard in locker-room conversations and bars.

Even though many men may be unaware of it, that illusive thing which they try to conqueor in a woman is more than her actual vagina as I said before. This explains why for some men any woman will not do. The man who is on a quest for sexual power will seek out the woman who exudes a certain sexual energy and strength. He wants to “take her down” or uncork her apple because she seems to have something that he earnestly wants.

Now there are a number of factors which may influence how we women respond to such unbridled male lust or sexual interest. For the convenience of this article, we will term this concept our individual “apple style”. By this I mean the way we learn to interact with our inner sexual power.

DISCERNING APPLE LOVERS (DAL’s)

Being the lovers of attention that we are, some of us women often revel in the unbridled heat of male sexual interest. Some glory in the attention, and the sense of power that it brings. Others appreciate and enjoy the male response to their womanliness without overtly encouraging it. As attractive as this sexual interest might seem however,  we consider ourselves discerning apple lovers. In other words, we love and accept the power of our sexuality but we have nonetheless decided to accept this “sexual fire”  from only one man; the man to whom we have committed.  As flattered or as amused as we might be by the attention of others, we have vowed that they will never get close enough to even smell the nectar much less nibble on our apple. We are quite content to remain a mystery to 99% of men out there because we have chosen to reserve our sexual essence for one man. Very often this man is or becomes our husband.

APPLE FEARFUL (AF’s)

From my observation, they are definitely those of us who have a love-hate relationship with our sexuality. We accept to some degree that this is what defines us but we are terrified of sexually letting ourselves go with anyone. We therefore hate such responses from men.We feel affronted and insulted because we don’t want this unsolicited male attention; in fact we don’t know what to do with it when it comes our way. Since such women can be downright afraid to confront sexuality in them selves and by extension in other people, they are usually prepared to run hard in the opposite direction when approached sexually.

APPLE TRADERS (AT’s)

While some women might be mildly or very interested in a sexual duel, they are not prepared to hand over their apple with its sweet nectar without some kind of fight. The point is though that such a woman will hand it over, eventually. She can be persuaded or cajoled; she just needs the right words, the right professions of love, or the right bargaining chip. Usually however she is just using her apple to trade for “love” or some deep feeling of acceptance. It may be purely about the looks of the guy and what he brings to the relationship. Or she might be using her apple just for the fun of it. She might think that since apples were meant to be eaten why not just give hers up for breakfast, lunch and dinner and to hell with the consequences. As long as she at least likes the guy who is doing the taking, nothing else matters.

APPLE DISTRIBUTORS (AD’s)

And of course there is the woman who does not have to bother with the pretense of a relationship. She does not need to coin her sexuality in “relationship terms” in order to accept or enjoy it. She will indiscriminately hand over her sexual essence, her power and her person hood to any and everyone whether single or married, Earthling or Martian. She may even distribute this apple in even or uneven chunks to several “apple-eaters” at the same time, who may be only too eager to devour and destroy who she is. What is important to her is the sexual power she has become addicted to. She believes that her sexiness is contingent on the numbers of men who she gives away her apple to.

The DAL’s, AF’s, AT’s and AD’s are terms which represent different ways that we as women have learned to engage our sexual power.

While Discerning Apple Lovers (DAL’s) may be sexy and confident, for them, sex in the context of a committed love-relationship is high on their list of priorities and there is just no other way to engage their sexual treasure.

For Apple Fearfuls (AF’s) sex is either over-rated, unnecessary, or best left untouched. Any success into breaking into their “sexy” will require the persistence and ingenuity of one clever brother.

Apple Traders (AT’s) on the other hand, earnestly believe the adage about giving to get. The flip side is that they can easily get more than what they bargained for or even less than they expected, (depending of course on how you look at it). Once their apple has been consumed, they may recognise that they and their “trading partner” have not been exactly on the same page. This can easily leave them bereft and in search of another trader.

Apple Distributors (AD’S) at surface level, may believe that they have reached sexual utopia. They may appear quite happy with all the handling and sharing of their apple and the renown of their nectar. As their biological clocks begin to tick however, or as they glimpse the quiet adoration in an older gentleman’s eyes for the “wife of his youth” some may begin to wonder if they perhaps missed the boat on apple distribution.

As we women continue to navigate our personal sexual journeys it may be useful for us to examine this concept of our sexual energy and power (our apple). How do we feel about it? What are we doing with it? Do we even know that it exists? How does our understanding of it influence the men around us? How does our understanding of it speak to our own understanding of ourselves as sexual beings? Are we convinced that we have made the correct sexual choices? If we have not made choices in our best interests, what can we do about it?

Maybe if you’re a woman, the next time you see an apple, you’ll do some extra thinking.

IS FANTASIZING GOOD FOR YOUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP?

In most couples’ forums today, there are several arguments advanced as to why sexual fantasy is a good practice among couples. There is the belief that it adds some needed excitement and dynamism to the bedroom. Through fantasy individuals can become somebody else and can take on attributes and characteristics not necessarily their own on a regular day. But before we go any further into our discussion it is perhaps necessary that we define fantasy.

I believe that we can fantasize at various levels and perhaps all sexual fantasy should not be lumped together in the same way. Loosely speaking, sexual fantasy can be described as any thought or imagining which is of a sexual nature. It can involve the individual behaving sexually with herself, her partner, a friend/friends, acquaintances, virtual strangers or purely fictitious or made-up characters. I believe that our natural ability to imagine is God-given. How or why we use this natural gift is however another matter altogether. Perhaps the sexual fantasies we engage in provide a hint on how we feel about sex. If we perceive sex to be something to be hidden, that is dirty or bad, then this may influence us to become someone else who can enjoy this “badness” without guilt. We may also use fantasizing to become someone else who is allowed sexual pleasure because  as we are, we don’t see ourselves as being very sexy or sexually desirable. In this light fantasy can be used to shed pounds, increase breast size and in the case of the male, lengthen and strengthen a certain important attribute.

Very often the tendency to fantasize may also be linked to how we learnt about sex. If our sexual repertoire was built through romance novels, pornographic images or through the reading of graphic erotica, then our brains become trained to accessing our sexual arousal and enjoyment through these avenues. In other words we become hooked on the habit and can’t seem to enjoy sex without it.

I am aware that several of us engage in sexual behaviour without giving it much thought. It is highly possible that people will continue to blissfully do what works for them, especially when it yields an orgasm. For those of us interested in improving the quality of our sexual relationships however, it may be good to give the “sexual-fantasy” habit some deep thought. Why is there a need to fantasize? Does it signify some dissatisfaction with our partner? Are we unhappy with his love-making skills? Do we long for more excitement and passion? Have we trained our bodies only to orgasm through certain sexual thoughts and therefore we need to rely on such thoughts if we are to experience a sexual climax? Are we doing it because Oprah said it was good or because we think that every body else is doing it?

I have no scientific evidence but I honestly believe that most people fantasize because it is behaviour which they have learned to rely on for sexual arousal. It is most likely linked to past experience and exposure. I think however that private fantasizing is also a sure fire way for couples to become disengaged and disconnected during sex. It also does not encourage dialogue between couples about the things with which they are unhappy. Some couples may claim to share sexual fantasies but if after this so called “sharing” they revert right back to focusing on someone else, then theirs is no real exclusive couple-intimacy and the sharing is counter-productive.

If we need to expend so much energy thinking about somebody else, or about ourselves in some other sexual scenario, then surely we are robbing our spouse of some of the fire and passion that should be reserved for him alone. What right-thinking woman (unless she’s kinky to the bone) wants her husband to be thinking about another woman when he’s making love to her?

The reality is that sex is as much a mind-activity as it is one which involves the genitals. It is unlikely that we can enjoy sex with an “empty mind”. The mind was not designed to be empty. Deliberately using the mind during sex is perhaps good and necessary. It is great for focusing in on our own pleasure and on that of our spouse. But if our focus is “relationship” and not “self-love”, then perhaps we can utilize this brain energy by thinking only of ourselves and our partners. Maybe we can  imagine ourselves doing something hot and delicious that we have not yet had a chance to try. While the possibilities may be endless, the mind should not be allowed to become an enemy of the relationship where we prefer to live there, than in the reality of our real union.