Monthly Archives: January 2011

Why Some Women Need To Be “Bitches” In The Bedroom

black-woman-thinkingOur responses to sex and our own sexuality can be as complicated as they are mysterious. The truth is, we don’t learn about sex in one fell swoop. Our attitudes, behaviours and responses to sex are often a hodge-podge of multiple influences over time. The traditional socialisation of women as the more genteel and nurturing of the sexes, has meant that many women end up feeling very conflicted about their own sexuality. The media is very good at portraying the sexually liberated woman as one who is aggressive, seductive, in-charge of her own sexuality and virtually willing to claim what she needs in order to have her sexual needs fulfilled. So can the good-girl be “bad” without really being bad? What happens as a result of this anomaly?

Many women, unable to reconcile this female “tigress” with the kinder-gentler-nurturer, feel an overpowering need to adopt a new sexual personna in their heads, in order to feel sexually gratified. This is especially true of women who are mothers or for those who have been raised in conservative environments. But all women, regardless of what they have inculcated about sex, being the natural, sexual, creatures that they are, long for great toe-curling sex. They do so want to swing from the chandeliers in absolute ecstasy and many are willing to surrender who they “normally” are, in order for this to happen; even if they experience some emotional conflict as a consequence.

Such women will therefore ask that their partners address them as “slut” or “bitch” or “whore” during sex, because that is the personna or alter-ego in them, who can orgasm and scream the house down; this is what their psyches have been trained to do in order that they may “let themselves go” sexually. Much of this is, however, influenced by media-driven imagery, the reading of erotica or by the viewing of porn which by the way, studies confirm, is a growing trend among women!

In some women’s attempts to ensure that this “wild sexual animal”, does not conflict with the socially induced perceptions of what it may mean to be traditionally feminine, there is then an overpowering need to separate these “two” women. This explains why the” whore” fantasy is so popular with many women and becomes an arousal and orgasm-inducing prop. Some may argue that there is no harm in such a fantasy; our minds are made for imagination and we should just let ourselves gravitate towards whatever will bring sexual gratification. After all, why should a woman explore her sexuality as a good upright and moral citizen, who nonetheless deserves some good loving, when she can metamorphosize into something much “hotter” and in keeping with today’s media-driven sex-industry?

While there may be absolutely nothing wrong with using our imaginations in wholesome ways, should I have to become an individual who on a normal day would conflict with my value-system, just so that I could get off? This I believe can be damaging both psychologically and spiritually. If I am sexually whole, I should be able to enjoy great sex from a point that embraces my genuine personality and physical characteristics. So whether school-teacher, waitress, housewife, priest or power-broker, I should know that I am beautiful and loved and deserve a great sex life, in the context of my relationship. This does not, however, exclude our acknowledgement of the fact that our attitudes to every nuance of skin tone or hair texture, can also influence our perception and acceptance of ourselves as beautiful, sexual women.

At the same time, it is also important that we explore our innate attitudes towards sexual inhibitions and our need to be more free of them. Our sexual re-education should include our de-bunking of the myth that somehow “bitches”, “whores” and “sluts” have a monopoly on great sex. Being free to embrace our sexual “tigress”, without having to give up something in the process, should be the hallmark of the sexually well-adjusted woman.

Naming Our Sex Organs: What This Reveals About Us

If you’re like me, you probably grew up in an era when the genitals were imbued with a wonderful sense of mystique. When it came to body parts, an eye was always an eye and a tooth a tooth. When it came to the vagina however, it was a pocket, a pok-pok, a coochie, a pokey or some other slang term, some of  which will remain unmentionable in this forum. What these “covert” terms revealed was that our parents and grandparents had a distinct discomfort with the issue of our genitals. They were a mystery to be unravelled, after all they couldn’t even be addressed by their real names! Fast-forward to the present-day, and not much has changed. We are still very much into coining endearing terms like vajayjay.

If we explore the science of naming, we would recognize that names are given to reflect inherent characteristics. They are however as much a reflection of the namer as they are of the named. The name that I choose for my child for instance, may reflect either my language preference, my educational background, my knowledge of other cultures, my lack of knowledge of other cultures, my boldness, my penchant to be different or unfortunately my downright stupidity! I believe that the name we give our genitals on any given day, also says a great deal about our approach to our sexuality.

Women who always call their vagina by its rightful, biological name are perhaps convinced that the vagina should get no special treatment. It is what it is; it does what it does, no questions asked. Such a woman is not necessarily uncomfortable with her sexuality; she just believes that vaginas should get “equal opportunity”.

Cute slang terms like “coochie”, “nooksie”, “poonanny” and the like, suggests a certain playfulness regarding the sex organ (almost right up there with the teddy-bear!) The woman who uses these terms in a specific context understands that her sexuality is not static and may like to diversify her sexual roles. It does not have to mean that she is uneducated or unable to use the biological term (although this is also a distinct possibility). While these terms may have their place in a steamy or playful bedroom setting, they may however appear inappropriate in your OBGYN’s office and may suggest that you haven’t quite “grown up” sexually.

Other more graphic slang terms which I will fore go spelling out, may suggest a larger than life view of the sex organ; and this is not necessarily a bad thing. The woman who feels comfortable using the “P” word is perhaps very sexually uninhibited or likes to lay on her sexuality in a fairly thick way. She may understand quite well that she has a vagina but may prefer to “interpret” this in her bedroom in a way that allows her to be a bit more adventurous. She may be big on letting out her “inner tigress”! (And please don’t think that I’m promoting use of any particular name because I am not!)

The vague and often used term “down there”, suggests a peculiar discomfort with the sex organ and often is reflective of the woman who has not yet owned her sexuality. It indicates her perception that below her belly button is a dark, mysterious cavern to which she has not yet journeyed. It is an outward (or downward) projection which communicates a negative sexual self-image and reflects an individual who is either conflicted sexually, or detached from her sexual self. (She may also not have a clue as to what the real word is!)

Am I suggesting that there is a “right name” or a “wrong name” when it comes to our sexual organs? Not necessarily; obviously culture and socialization as well as context, and personality will impact on the names we choose or even our comfort and discomfort levels when it comes to acknowledging our sex organs. Even though the male organ carries its own variety of  “pet names”, when it comes to the vagina, the sense of mystery surrounding it, is distinct. Perhaps this is because it appears to be well hidden within the body. All things being considered however, a name does not have to be fixed or set in stone. Even though the name we choose may be contingent on our “audience”, the fact remains that there is no other body-part that gets this peculiar treatment. It suggests to me that as natural as sex is, our sexuality remains shrouded in rituals. This tells me that sex is no easy walk in the park. There is a distinct difference between brushing our teeth, combing our hair, taking out the trash and having sex; yes all body parts were definitely not created equal!

If as women we are perhaps to overcome some of our inhibitions and discomfort with respect to our sexuality, perhaps we should practice getting a mirror and looking at our best friend (yes, it’s not an enemy). After establishing “eye contact”  we should practice positive affirmations which confirm that every delectable inch of us, is “fearfully and wonderfully made”.