Getting The Relationship You Want

Get the relationship you want

Are you completely satisfied with the state of your intimate relationship or marriage? If not, how do you demand what you want from your relationship without begging or appearing bossy or worst yet, desperate? The fine art of being at peace in our relationship is a combination of set of core factors. These include knowing our worth, having realistic expectations about our partner, and demonstrating an unwillingness to settle for long-term mediocrity. Of course the glue that holds these factors all together should be  the practice of unconditional love. But I don’t mean to get ahead of myself by suggesting that real love will gloss over or tolerate all wrong doing. So let’s head back to factor one.

Know Your Worth

While unconditional love or loving our spouse in spite of, is very necessary for a successful relationship, even more important is a healthy dose of self love. Love which comes from a place of self worth and value allows us to understand that our love is precious and not to be taken for granted. When we love ourselves, we expect to be treated well. We know when to say “I don’t deserve this”. That self-love and confidence also exudes a level of inner strength which can be very appealing. It can make our partner sit up and take notice when the situation demands it and this can be a pathway to relationship improvement. Of course this attitude can also produce fear or intimidation in a potential abuser but this is why it’s completely necessary to demonstrate this in the early stages of a relationship. It can alert us to common relationship red flags. If we came into self-love later in our relationship or marriage, it gives us options; especially in the case of serious relationship infractions like infidelity or abuse. When we know our worth, it becomes easier to be assertive or to find our voice in terms of articulating our core needs and desires.

Have Realistic Expectations

Many times we’re unhappy in love because we expect too much. We have that old fairy tale etched deeply in our minds and when our partner flops at being our prized prince or princess, we protest; loudly. It’s a great thing to have high relationship expectations but the practice of putting our partner on a pedestal can be fairly problematic. Our relationship peace can be disturbed because we appear to have infantile needs or we approach our needs with a certain level of immaturity. We can expect constant affirmation from our spouse or we expect a relationship that is free from major challenges. But life happens even when we’re in love. We gain weight, we don’t always look our best, sometimes illness interrupts, babies get cranky, teens cause stress, our parents age, we lose jobs and yet we have to adjust. Understanding that your life with your partner will be no bed of roses must then be carefully balanced against knowing what you will not tolerate. Discerning what you will battle out together as a couple, must, therefore, be distinguished from major relationship deal breakers, which yo will not tolerate for the long term.

Don’t Settle

While problems and challenges are unavoidable in an imperfect world, any relationship worth its salt must be buttressed by a healthy set of relationship goals. It’s important that a couple shares what is most important to each of them, in the relationship. Differences in age, sex, religious persuasion and socialization, can often cause a couple to start out on different pages even when the physical or sexual attraction is strong. Starting the conversation towards critical core needs, should ensure that each knows what is most important to the other. Having reached that stage of initial understanding, working towards aligning goals and dreams for the present and future, is a great way to safe guard against settling for relationship mediocrity. Above all else, loving your partner unconditionally, is a great way to be at peace in knowing that in spite of it all, he or she is your chosen number one.

 

 

When to Ditch That Relationship

Sometimes we hold on to a relationship for all the wrong reasons. At times it can be a sign of desperation or it may reveal our insecurities or our obsession with romance. Follow the link here to watch an episode on Digital Romance TV, where I share on when it’s right to “kick that relationship to the curb.”

Denise J Charles on Digital Romance TVsexless-marriage

How to Succeed When We Fail at Love

If you feel as though your love life is just not working, maybe you need to do some fresh reflection.

Red Red Apples

There’s a common relationship scenario with which many of you ladies are familiar I’m sure. Girl meets guy and she’s absolutely sure that this time he’s the one. In the early stages everything seems to be going fine. There is terrific physical attraction and chemistry; lots of deep staring into the eyes and long, passionate, exploratory kisses. There is also an inordinate amount of time spent together doing fun things and going on romantic dates. And of course there is the regular communication by telephone, cell phone, internet, it just does not matter; it seems that this couple can hardly get enough of each other.

After a couple of months of heated intensity, however, things start to peter off. Phone calls diminish in regularity. He seems inclined to spend more time with his boys or in pursuing personal interests like sports, gym-time or car-racing; basically anything that does not include…

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A Guy’s Take on Finding a Good Man

by Ken Pile

shutterstock_165818495

Very often it has been said that good men are hard to find. And though this belief may be based on some fact, it is not the entire truth. Why? Because it’s not impossible to find a good man. Actually, there are loads of good men out there. Everyday, women are approached by potential husbands; however, these same guys are constantly pushed away.

One may ask, how is this possible? The answer to this question is simple; a poor judgment of character and seeking the wrong things in a guy.For many, if a guy has a decent paying job, house and car, then for most women he can be automatically considered “a good man”; when quite frankly that’s just a guy with material assets. Whereas, the plumber or the guy with no car or a nice paying job, gets the blind eye. While not knowing for the most part that he is a good man with loads of potential.

Needless to say, because many women seek the wrong attributes in some guys, many have fallen victims to loneliness and have challenged the idea of finding a good man.

The crux of what is being stated here is that a woman needs to take the time to know a guy’s character for she may never know who she is talking to. This means getting to know a guy in total, not just what he has or is wearing.

So what’s a good man? A man who exhibits the character of listening and paying attention, one who is supportive and encouraging and adds joy to a woman’s life.

Ken Pile is the Editor of ASK THE LOVE DOCTOR 246; a blog and online community, designed to give women a better insight about love and relationships from the point of view of a man. Find him on Facebook at Ask The Love Doctor 246

12 Steps for Cementing Relationship Commitment

by Denise J Charles

shutterstock_116979841We’re always talking about commitment in marriage but do we even know what it should look like? Follow these 12 steps to strengthen your level of relationship commitment. 

  1. Accept human imperfection in both yourself and your spouse and see it as a gateway for personal development and change
  2. Choose loving confrontation when unhappy or dissatisfied with some aspect of your relationship; this means that talking about how you feel is always critical; decide from the outset that you will not choose easy escape routes like emotional detachment or affairs
  3. Protect your relationship from negative external influences (friends, family, cohorts) who encourage you to bail out at the first sign of marital stress
  4. Set realistic goals for your marriage and work together at making them happen
  5. See love as a choice, not a feeling that is based purely on sexual chemistry or attractiveness
  6. Choose significant moments like birthdays, anniversaries or any day for that matter, to relive the memories of how you met, got engaged or got married; keeping alive the magic of your early relationship is still significant to the health of your marriage but understand that while this may be a tool to enhance your commitment, it should not be the basis for it
  7. Develop relationship loyalty by actively demonstrating that you and your spouse are on the same team; practice “having each others back” instead of competing
  8. Never neglect your sexual relationship; keep this “one-flesh” reality of your relationship going to demonstrate how exclusive and set apart your relationship really is from all others; this means actively working to make your sex better which will in turn strengthen your levels of intimacy
  9. Strive to demonstrate a “higher-order” love that is unconditional and loves “in spite of”and which also includes the practice of forgiveness
  10. Deal with relationship issues in a timely manner, before they have the chance to fester into deep-rooted anger or bitterness
  11. Never share your  marital challenges with someone you feel sexually attracted to; this represents the antithesis of commitment and loyalty
  12. If you sense your relationship  is becoming unglued and you both seem unable to handle it on your own, choose a reputable counselor, coach, pastor or therapist to help you get your marriage back on track

Dating The Married Man? Know the Consequences

By Ken Pile

What should you do when you find yourself connected to a married man?

What should you do when you find yourself connected to a married man?

Many women find themselves involved with married men. If you’ve found yourself in this relationship rut, then please, pause and take this advice to heart.

Dont take his word for it and think of his wife:

Despite all that he would have told you, remember you’re only hearing his side of the story. And he is allowing you to see what he wants you to see. Consider his wife who has been married to him for however many years, took care him when he was ill, made sacrifices for him and so forth. What are your actions doing to her? Moreover, he is allowing you to intrude in his marriage, which is really “HER TURF.” That doesn’t say anything about her, but speaks volumes about what he ultimately thinks of you.

There are no guarantees:

Even if your married man decided to leave his wife and family for you, that doesn’t guarantee relationship success. If he is willing to have an affair with you, he will also do it to you. If he’s living this deception with you today, how could you ever trust him if you did get into a legitimate relationship with him? You already know he’s a liar, because he’s living a lie with his wife. How can you be sure whether you’re the only “other woman” he has? Entertain the possibility that he is lying to you, and that you are being used.

Think about STDs – Youre not the only one:

Many times, married men still have sexual intercourse with their wives and or other females as well. And of course, they are not going to let you know this. Now, let’s say one of his other women has an STD, and unknowing to him, he has sexual intercourse with her, guess who’s next in line for it? Understand that because he’s sexing you, doesn’t mean he’s staying away from others.

Bring the relationship to an end

You will hurt, you will feel broken-hearted, but ultimately, you’ll be better off for this decision. Take some time to get really clear with yourself about who you are and what you want. The most important relationship you’ll ever have in this world, is the one you have with yourself. And eventually, you’ll fall in love again with someone who’s willing to make you first in his life

Ken Pile is the Editor of ASK THE LOVE DOCTOR 246; a blog and online community, designed to give women a better insight about love and relationships from the point of view of a man. Find him on Facebook at Ask The Love Doctor 246

The Truth About Penis Size

Does size really matter? Read here and weigh in.

Red Red Apples

woman-holding-measuring-tape-near-mans-penis_0As sexualized as our culture is, many of us still hold erroneous beliefs with regards to sex. One of those primary beliefs is that a woman needs a man with a big penis to feel sexually satisfied. It has even been said that some women are, at times, unwilling to relinquish a man who on all counts may be a real jerk, simply because his claim to fame is a large penis. While the philosophies which may guide those pursuing casual sex and those interested in commitment and marriage may be entirely different, the idea of the large penis being correlated with great sex, still holds sway in the minds of many, regardless of their relationship status.

There is a standing joke that there really is no need for extra-large condoms because such men who claim to need them, really only have extra-large egos. Whether you agree with this evaluation…

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It Takes Two To Tango

Is your relationship a smooth dance or are you and your partner “tripping” over each other’s feet?

Red Red Apples

It’s the common, old, chicken and egg scenario, when we examine the issue of a lack of sex in marriage. Does a flawed or strained relationship lead to a decrease in sexual activity or does a decrease in sexual activity cause a flawed or strained relationship? Which comes first? Well your guess may be as good as mine but I think that there is perhaps a significant amount of dove-tailing between these two issues.

For most of us women, we need to feel loved and appreciated outside the bedroom before we can comfortably get our groove on with our man. So that loving phone call just to see how our day is going or neck massage just after we walk through the door, can go a long way towards heating things up a bit later. Since we also love to talk, when our man takes the time to communicate with…

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