Who’s The Boss in the Bedroom?

Controllers believe in “one way”; usually their way.

Some of us are fortunate to have made good relationship choices.  As a result, we find ourselves with a fairly amenable well-adjusted partner, with whom life is fairly comfortable. Others of us, for whatever reason, may have found ourselves drawn to a stubborn individual who just likes to do things his or her way. All things being equal, although there may be some underlying good qualities which we see, we, nonetheless, recognize that our partner has some serious control issues. A control freak tends to bully his or her way through a relationship. While this article is not meant to dissect the psychology of such a person, it does acknowledge underlying issues like insecurity and fear which feed the behavior of controllers.

Now I know this may be a volatile topic in some quarters because behavior which is overtly controlling can border on abuse or may be outright abusive and even dangerous. If an individual feels physically or psychologically threatened, is physically hurt or is unable to function normally as a result of spousal control, then this is a serious red flag which indicates a need for intervention. In no way should we tolerate or trivialize such behaviour.

For others, the experience of control, while undesirable, may be livable. It may be seen as just a personality quirk of our spouse which we have resigned ourselves to living with. When this is the case, what are we expected to do when we witness such behavior spilling over into the bedroom? When our partner loves to control everything, how exactly does this pan out between the sheets? And how exactly does a controller behave in the sex department? Here are a few likely traits which are applicable to either male or female:

• Usually wants sex on demand
• Seeks to manipulate in the area of sexual preferences including positions, use of sex toys, and the like
• Will only experiment with what they are comfortable with or will seek to re-work a “pet” fantasy
• Expects partner to fulfill every sexual wish or fantasy; regardless of how uncomfortable the partner might feel
• Pouts and sulks when sexually dissatisfied
• Is insensitive to spouse’s likes or dislikes when they differ from controller’s preferences or knowledge base
• Uses sex to express dominance and control
• Lacks empathy and does not listen to or embrace spouse’s point of view on sexual matters
• Will try all the moves learnt on previous partners, while ignoring spouse’s individuality
• Will repeatedly do or say what they “know” will turn partner on, even if he/she says otherwise; for example, a husband who repeatedly lunges at his wife’s breasts from the get-go because he “knows” that all women find this arousing

 

While these examples are not exhaustive by any means, our response to such behaviour is likely to be influenced by our own personality. Are we shy and retiring, a go-getter, a cussing confrontationist, a manipulator or a wise negotiator? Then there is our sexual style which also influences what we want in bed, what we like and how we like it.  These factors together are likely to have an impact on what we do in such a relationship.

The Submitter

Those of us with submissive personalities or with submissive sexual tastes will likely enjoy our spouse’s role as a controller. We may derive a sexual thrill from giving in or in being dominated. Where this becomes problematic is where we always sacrifice who we are or what we prefer for the sake of giving in to our partner. This will be a challenging habit to break, especially if we derive our sexual energy and identity from playing such a role. On the other hand, as we mature and our sexual needs change, we may still find ourselves stuck in a rut with behaviour that no longer meets our current sexual needs but is perpetuated because it has become the norm.

The Passive/Aggressive

This individual understands the power of sex and uses it as a weapon to respond to the controlling partner. This is done by either withholding sex or by simply going through the motions when making love (you know like reading a magazine or writing the shopping list while he’s having a go at it) Because the passive/aggressive does not have the nerve to vocalize his/her concerns about this aspect of the relationship, anger is channeled through the sex act itself. While this behaviour can cause the passive-aggressor to feel in control, they are in essence copping out and robbing themselves of the possibility of a great sex life.

The Fighter

This partner is attempting to hold on to who they are for dear life. While there may be a deep love for the controlling spouse, there is also a deep resentment for the power balance. The result is a fair dose of overt aggression as this partner seeks to assert who she is in the bedroom by countering with her own set of sexual demands. While this may be hard for some men to swallow, there is, for example an entire group of men who LOVE to receive oral sex but who are indifferent about giving it. While assertiveness is great and should be commended, if both partners remain locked into an “I want” mode, then this becomes counter-productive. This stance in fact fuels a lack of sexual fulfillment, as neither partner becomes sold on the idea of “giving” as an integral part of the sex act.

The Negotiator

The negotiator understands very well that she has something which her partner wants; and she intends to give him. While she may love sex, however, she is unwilling to sacrifice her sense of who she is without active dialogue and the pursuit of a better relationship. At the same time, she understands that life is seldom ideal and that in relationships, we do not always get everything we want, when we want it. So she’s fairly realistic and does not expect relationship perfection; she is willing to bide her time.

Where she differs from the fighter, is that while she is willing to vocalize her own desires, she is also still interested in pleasing her partner sexually. She tries not to use sex in a “tit-for-tat” style but attempts to break down her partner’s defenses with the type of lovemaking he will never forget. (Guys could well learn from this negotiation style that they can have sensational sex, by themselves being sensational lovers). This is done in the hopes that if her husband is sexually fulfilled, he would be willing to meet her own needs; both sexual and emotional. Like any act of negotiation, there is however a tremendous risk involved as there are no guarantees. Issues like a mismatched sex drive and differences in bedroom preferences are not easily resolved and require a mature approach from both partners and a willingness to compromise.

While admittedly, a controller is who he/she is because of an inherent unwillingness to compromise, we also acknowledge that no individual is hopeless and outside the scope for change. If beneath that desire to control there is any real love and respect for the offended partner, then loving, but firm, non-aggressive confrontation will be needed to move the relationship forward. Withholding sex is a knee-jerk response and the partner who seems more mature, must be willing to model what it means to really give in a sexual relationship without sacrificing their sense of individuality or personal dignity; a delicate balancing act I admit.

Always Mother

A blog about sex and sexuality which is honoured to salute the  power of  mothers who have  in  many ways,  shaped our sexual identity. I remember and appreciate my Mom  giving me  “the talk” when I was just about  nine years old (a really brave move  back then). She didn’t  just dump  the then popular book “On Becoming a Woman”  at me, but took some  time to explain a few things;  in fact she explained many things. I was so well informed that  it was easy for  me  to share with my less knowledgeable  though older friends; maybe an early genesis to what I do now (smile). She embraced my trek into womanhood and taught me how to celebrate  it. Now as an adult daughter with my own children, I know that being mother is a “life-role” that never ages with time.

So enjoy this award winning  poem “ALWAYS MOTHER” which I wrote especially for her a few years back. I re-dedicate it to her today! It resonates with both males and females because even if we are not all mothers, we all have or have had a mother and usually, she has been our original teacher of unconditional love. And to all mothers who read my blog,  have a great day!

Always Mother

I sat

on her lap

digging little fingers

under square white nails.

There was no polish there,

no shiny “cutex”

like the glamour girls

of Mod-Squad fame.

 

She never sported a ‘fro

or carried

heavy-shadowed eyelids;

just a small dusting

of pink-powder

and a broach,

with millions of jewels like a peacock’s tail

preening with pride

on a partial safety-pin.

It was the only glamour

the church allowed then,

that and the dusky gold

of a simple wedding-band

barely glinting

on a knuckled hand,

that and the glory of being woman,

the glory of being mother.

 

She always smelt

like sweet-flour dumplings

and like the spice

sprinkled in my “cocoa-tea”;

there was comfort

in the corner of her pink neck

where no moles grew.

 

My mother is high brown

or so the teacher said

at my school;

it somehow made her

more important

more queenly;

that

and the fact that

she never worked.

In fact

I had thought

that all mothers

stayed at home

and cooked soup on Wednesdays

or steamed fish into neat rolls

for their little girls to eat

with cubes of white bread

and orange gravy.

 

My Mother didn’t cling

like a vice,

she let me slowly go

like an eagerly bouncing Easter kite

nearly touching clouds,

‘till I grew up,

down the aisle

with the white dress

she had also made,

leaning ever so slightly

on the arm of my reluctant father

and when

my first son

she held,

she sang

a song of sweet remembrance,

a song of

always Mother.

© Denise J Charles 2012: All rights reserved.

 

* cocoa-tea is a special warm beverage made from powdered cocoa with spice added, used in the Caribbean.

What My Mother Taught Me About Relationships

What we learn as children often lasts a lifetime.

Very often our childhood plays a significant part in our adult behaviour. What we see and experience in our home and how we were socialized, has the capacity to shape our current relationships. From my mother, who is still alive, I learned some valuable tools about love and marriage. Yes, I am from a different generation and we may see MANY things differently but I have come to value the teaching power of her own experience which I witnessed first-hand.

My parents’ marriage did not work. While I have very detailed memories of my childhood going back till when I was about three years old, I cannot remember ever experiencing a sense of harmony in the home. Like most little girls I remember having a very close attachment to my mother and a very pronounced emotional disengagement from my father. But then again, this was to be expected because even as a young child I was somehow always intuitively aware that my father was hurting my mother; and I did NOT like it. But this article is not about my father.

My mother taught me about the power of resilience. She was from the era where women, especially housewives (now known as stay-at-home mothers) tolerated quite a bit from their straying partners. Yes, my father cheated and everyone knew it. His cheating ways resulted in a thick, palpable sense of unhappiness that pervaded everything we tried to do as a family. It was easy to see that where marriage was concerned, my mother was unfulfilled and unhappy. Yet she did not buckle. In those days counselors and therapists were not en vogue. There were no internet websites on love and relationships; no internet chat rooms or face book friends to sound off on. Yet my mother held on. She did not become a pill-popper or a consumer of alcohol nor did she cheat in revenge.

Don’t be misguided; she was no easy walk over. She was assertive in her own way. She did not quietly and glibly accept that a marriage characterized by infidelity was to be her lot in life.  I can remember her talking to my father on numerous occasions (without shouts or insults) expressing her unhappiness and her expectations of what married life should be. I remember her articulating her pain. I remember her tears. She was hurt and disappointed but never once did she encourage my brother and me to hate or disrespect our father. In a situation where she perhaps had every right to “lose it” emotionally and where I would most definitely be throwing things, she remained dignified. Yes; in an era when many women were economically dependent on the men in their lives; she stayed but not because she could not make life on her own. She had her own small business as a seamstress and could if she wanted to, have struck out and tried to do it her way.

Like many women today, she wanted her family to remain intact so she prayed and hoped and made a decision to “wait it out”. As a grown woman, I have told her that I don’t think I could have put up with all that she endured. But I understood then and understand now why she did. She respected her status as a married woman and did not just throw away her marriage ideal at the first sign of trouble; that covenant meant something to her; even if it didn’t to my father.

So from her I came into my own by determining what I WOULD and would NOT do in my own marriage.  I could not knowingly live with prolonged infidelity as she did but I understand that marriage takes courage and a willingness to work things out. I do not perceive her decision to stay as emerging from a place of weakness but from a place of strength and from her own interpretation of what it meant to “live for one’s family”. As she and I both learned, life is not always fair by our own estimation and there are no guarantees that we will always get what we want but we do not give up on our own happiness and sense of peace; we carry on.

So when my father filed for divorce, (in my adult years) she did not come apart at the seams, go into depression or dwell in intense anger and bitterness. In fact, she navigated that time like any other seamless transition; like when I had left home at nineteen to be married. She went on with her life. As much as my mother had wanted her family to stay together when we were young, she did not allow my father’s infidelity to define her.  I never witnessed her in “poor me” mode. She did not host pity parties or for one moment allow herself to go to pieces.  She exuded strength, strived to encourage other women in broken relationships and concentrated on living and thriving. She deepened her involvement in her Church and learned to give strength to others even when her life was far from perfect.

Today, at seventy-four, my mother’s appearance belies her age. She looks really, really great and is a nifty dresser still, who seeks out my opinion on shoes and the latest fashion. She never had another man in her life. But in doing so, she inadvertently taught me that a woman does not need a man to define who she is. Kudos goes to my mother and to all the great women who taught and continue to teach us.

Relationship Responsibility 101 (For All Those Women Not Interested in Being Super Woman)

“How would it make you feel if your husband or boyfriend told everyone he meets that you’re the “perfect” woman? That he’s giddy every time he comes home to you…That there’s no woman in the world he’d rather be with…That he worships the ground you walk on…Would that be pretty cool? Would that FEEL pretty good? I bet it would   . . . there are 13 skills that some women have that make them a man’s ultimate fantasy… the “perfect” woman… the woman he’d never want to leave and wouldn’t even dream of cheating on . . .(this course) teaches you EXACTLY what they are and how to use them to make your man addicted to you. ”

Do we need to be Super Women to make marriage work?

Sounds like some promotion for a primitive ‘magic potion’ to make your relationship just right doesn’t it? In some respects, that description just may come close. However, it’s actually part of a modern, detailed infomercial, which arrived in my Inbox, guaranteeing women the ability to “snarl” their guy, by developing thirteen essential skills (on their way to being Super Woman). To my amazement, this “program” is being supported and promoted by qualified and licensed sex therapists and counselors; I couldn’t believe the advertisement when I read it. It’s sad to see that although we’re in the twenty first century, not much has changed since Eden; apparently. We’re still basically blaming women for everything wrong; including their partner’s failure to stay faithful and avidly interested in them.

There are several things inherently wrong with the philosophy behind this infomercial. Firstly, it presupposes that men are clueless cads just waiting to be controlled by the whims and feminine wiles of the women in their lives; somewhat like “doggy go fetch you’ll get your reward”. It promotes somewhat beneath the surface, the notion of a deep abiding weakness in men, which can only be “fixed” when the wool is pulled firmly but obliviously over their eyes by the women in their lives. By promoting such, this philosophy and by extension the infomercial, seeks to absolve men of their relationship responsibility; a responsibility which should be hinged on their own personal integrity. Instead, it lays squarely at the feet of a woman ALL the responsibility to tend to her relationship and to literally try all the doggy tricks in the bag, to keep her puppy guy wagging his tail. It is in fact one of several, which perpetuates the idea that it’s mainly a woman’s job to fix her relationship.`

And please guys don’t get offended, I mean you no disservice or disrespect, but the point I’m seeking to drive home is that this ad seeks to rob you of your balls. It attempts to divest you of your power of choice and of your ability to abide by sound decisions based on your sense of decency and on your level of commitment. Why should a woman in a committed relationship or a marriage, need to “trick” her partner into being faithful, loyal and trust worthy by developing these ‘secret’ skills? Can’t a man decide for himself what he really wants? This ad buys strongly into the stereotypes about men which exist today and which are for the most part, seriously media-driven.’  For example, it suggests that:

• Fidelity is unnatural and difficult for men.
• Men cannot be trusted to do what is right on their own.
• Women control and manipulate men because men are weak and basically clueless.
• A man only stays faithful if his woman is an expert at the latest sexual tricks.
• Men need to be trained by their women, if such women are to experience happiness.

Then there are the female stereotypes:

• A woman must perform for her man to keep him guessing and interested.
• A woman can be the perfect “superwoman”, if she tries a little harder at improving herself.
• A woman can get her man ‘eating out of her hand’ as it were, if she learns the essential tricks of the trade.
• A woman is largely responsible for her relationship.
• Any woman worth her salt knows how to manipulate her man.

Must we really play relationship games?

Then there is the underlying idea which suggests that relationships are really all about manipulative game-playing. He’s not behaving as you want, a la “worshiping the ground you walk on” or being “giddy every time he comes home to you”  et al?  Then learn these simple tricks and have him bowing to your every command in no time. Is this really where we want our relationships to be headed in the twenty-first century? We know that there is a certain amount of relationship game-playing which is rife on the dating scene. Men and women both act in particular ways and there is almost a predictable response from either sex. We attempt to learn each others’ trigger-buttons and attempt to work them for all they’re worth. Perhaps the social anthropologists will say that this behaviour is an age-old game between men and women. Some admittedly do have this game-playing down to a Science but maybe this is where we are going wrong in our relationships.

Playing games or learning tricks to keep each other interested or faithful is to my mind the weaker route and is counter-productive. If we begin our relationships under false pretenses, maybe we will feel compelled to carry them on in this manner; even in marriage. My relationship is not a game of predictability which says “If I do this therefore you will do that”. Life is NOT that simplistic. We are all different with individual personalities and life-scripts which influence how our relationships will pan out. Relationships involve a huge amount of sacrificial risk-taking. This one-size-fits-all philosophy robs our relationships of their individual uniqueness and as to my case in point, absolves men of the responsibility which they MUST share if our marriages are to succeed.

Admittedly, as I have noticed in my counseling, a greater percentage of women are reading books and seeking help for marital challenges. We are traditionally the guardians of our relationships. This does not, however, mean that men should not be responsible or held accountable for their actions. The idea that there are specific skills which any woman can learn, which will guarantee that her husband will not cheat on her, is ludicrous! It means that she is being held accountable for his cheating ways (if he does cheat). Moreover, the thinking behind this ad implies that a wife has her work cut out for her, in ensuring that her husband remains “addicted” to her.

This theory raises several other questions. Where is the husband’s responsibility in all of this? And is he too not required to work to ensure that his wife stays interested in him? Where is mutual commitment in this entire scenario? And why pray tell must a woman be “perfect” for her marriage to work successfully? Why are we repeatedly letting men off the relationship hook yet still expect them to grow up?

In order for our relationships to thrive, working on them must be seen as a two-way street. Yes, I do agree that we have to learn each other and find new ways to keep our marriages interesting and exciting; especially as the years roll by. This is, however, a system of give and take and not one where there is a one-sided servicing of needs. We need to navigate away from reinforcing these negative stereotypes which have traditionally governed our relationships. It’s definitely time to beckon the ‘equal opportunity’ relationship of the present and the future.

Are You Trapped In The Relationship Maze?

Are you trapped in a relationship maze?

Many women today, from various walks of life, are making the same complaint; they can’t find a decent guy to settle down with. Most of my single girlfriends voice the complaint, that there seems to be a shortage of good men. Not to be left out of the fray, many males by their defining behavior seem to believe that the girls should perhaps just learn to share. And therein lies the problem. One of the defining characteristics of the male has been his propensity to be fairly generous in his affections and this happens to be the one trait which most of us women find intolerable! We love generosity but not when it comes to intimacies like love and sex.

So what should a girl do? Should she settle? Relax her standards a bit? Get rid of that old, never to be fulfilled impossible list? Accept the “generosity” of her erstwhile male friend? Forget her idea of an exclusive relationship which will lead to marriage? Or should she just settle for spinsterhood? Certainly, critical questions requiring critical answers.

Like any other aspect of life, relationships and our perception of them have the power to define us. From which ever quarters we gather our information, most of us have a fair set of defined standards and I’m not here to suggest that we lay them down by the riverside. It is important that we know what we are looking for, especially in the area of a life-partner. However, having had a couple of conversations with men, I am not at all convinced that the good breed has become extinct. Somehow I believe that the lines of communication have become crossed between today’s men and women and the result has been a polarization of both species. We think we know what each others’ problems are, so we have perfected the art of accusation without pausing long enough to really listen to each other. As it stands, the guys with the really canine activity get all the attention and the really decent ones get branded with the same brush and could perhaps be overlooked time and time again.

In the war of the sexes the fight is not always fair.

Now I really believe that men and women appear to be at cross-purposes because we have easily become locked into exclusive communication styles designed to keep each other out. We have developed an adversarial “us versus them” mentality which deepens our mutual suspicions and keeps each other at arms’ length. But let’s face it, in the war of the sexes, the fight is not always fair. So then how is a girl to spot a decent guy in this crazy relationship maze we have created? More so, how can such a guy get through to a girl without having his tail whacked in a trap as it were? Have we perhaps become trapped in a complex maze of our own making, guaranteed to keep us apart?

The relationship maze speaks in fact to the walls which are built between men and women, as a consequence of our flawed perceptions and mindsets; walls of misunderstanding, distrust and generalization. If we are to surmount the relationship barriers which we have erected, we first have to recognize, understand and then hopefully circumvent them in our quest for true love. Here are a few examples to go by:

What Women Say	What Men Think
I’m confident, independent and capable of making my own decisions. All a man wants from a woman is sex. I’m not yet ready to take our relationship to the next level. My biological clock is ticking. I wish you would be more supportive.	You don’t need a man because you have it all going on; so I’m not that important to you. You don’t plan to give up the apple without a fight. You think I just want to use you. You’re ready for a marriage proposal and I’m the lucky guy. You want me to agree with everything you say.
What Men Say	What Women Think
I want to spend more time with you. I can’t get you out of my mind. I want you to look out for my needs; I have feelings too. Maybe we can start an exercise routine together. I want to take care of you.	You want another opportunity to jump my bones. You want to wear down my resolve with sweet, flattering words. I can’t stand a sniveling guy and I’m definitely not your mother. You think I need to lose weight. You want to control me with your money.

Of course these are just a few examples which are not exhaustive by any means and according to culture and socialization they may change. They however do bring home the point that what we hear/think, is often filtered by our past experiences, the stories we’ve been told by our friends, what we witnessed as children and even by the male-female script presented in the media. The problem with this super-script is when we allow it to become gospel and accept it as the defining parameter for all of our relationships.

There will always be men who are unscrupulous and women who are users. This tendency to look out for numero uno at all costs is just a part of human nature which is unlikely to change. If we hope, however, to find true love, then we have to be willing to give each man or woman we encounter the courtesy of a “clean slate”. So if you’re hoping to get yourself out of this maze, take some advice.

Try not to lump all male and female behavior into the same mold, no matter how tempting it is to do so. Yes we do share several traits but give your new interest the opportunity to shine. Allow a guy or a girl a chance to prove themselves. Keep the channels of communication open and don’t assume that this guy is exactly like your last. Resist the urge to channel your past pain into a new relationship prospect. This does not mean acting naively or putting aside our common sense or our intuition, but it means giving that individual a brief opportunity to prove us wrong. It means keeping hope alive and not being deliberately adversarial or negative in our expectations. Basically it means practicing grace and graciousness, while admitting our own foibles.

Navigating the relationship maze does not mean dropping our guard or lowering our expectations or standards but it does mean adopting a mature response to the exciting opportunity of meeting new people. More importantly, navigating that maze also means looking inward to ensure that we are perhaps somewhere close to the ideal, we are so steadfastly looking for in a mate.

When Your Partner is NOT Into You

I’ve just finished watching the movie ‘Marriage Chronicles’ produced by One Truth Media. It was an interesting depiction of the things which can and do go wrong in marriage relationships. The story-line surrounded three couples who were invited to a marriage retreat by a therapist with some fairly unorthodox methods. From the movie’s outset, there was however one couple that I had my doubts about. While the other couple’s problems were equally serious, what caused me to doubt whether this particular couple’s marriage could be saved, was the nature of their challenge; narcissism. Yes, the wife was a full-fledged narcissist who was not in anyway into her husband because she was fully and completely into herself.

While it definitely takes two to tango, it also takes two to untangle. When the chief problem facing a relationship is however the self-absorption of one or both parties, one could well imagine that trying to resolve any serious issues which emerge, would be akin to pounding one’s head into a brick wall which does not intend to give; ever. We first have to get past the colossal barrier which narcissism itself is. And what exactly is it? One dictionary defines it as “extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration” as well as “inordinate fascination with oneself, excessive self-love and vanity”. By its very telling definition, we can immediately recognize how easily this trait can be the enemy of intimate relationships or marriage.

So how exactly does the narcissist in a relationship behave and how does this affect the relationship? The individual locked into this style of functioning is typically:

• Obsessed with having his/her own needs met and will pout, throw tantrums or disconnect physically or emotionally from their partner when this does not occur
• Inflexible, stubborn and unwilling to compromise; there is usually no middle-ground for this individual who MUST have things done their way and who believes that he/she is ALWAYS right
• Sexually self-centered and performance oriented; this means that such individuals will attempt to foist their sexual preferences on their partner without asking or will care little about truly meeting their partner’s sexual needs; concern for their partner’s pleasure is not based on a desire to really please or communicate love but is really linked to whether or not they appear to be a good lover “for the record”
• Vain and overtly concerned with their physical appearance; while nothing is wrong with wanting to look great, individuals who are narcissists do not care as much about their partner’s up-keep and will spend inordinate sums of money to ensure that their own physical appearance is always “near-perfect”; this may involve inappropriate splurging on designer-wear or other cosmetic enhancements
• Selfish about their own personal development; while each member of the partnership may be individually responsible for things like education and career advancement, narcissists are unwilling to make sacrifices to assist or enable their partner’s development but prefer to have their spouse sacrifice for them, after all, they want to be admired, praised and lauded for their academic or career success
• Quick to lay a “guilt trip” on the partner who fails to give in to their every whim and fancy and is quick to play the “blame game” with respect to their own lack of happiness

Living with a narcissist cannot be easy in any way. The relationship is likely to be plagued by constant tension and an underlying sense of unrest. The other partner may feel constantly nagged, blamed, insufficient, inadequate and isolated. Failure to address the issues can also impact the sense of goodwill that should characterize a healthy relationship and could lead to real division. The self-absorption of narcissists makes it doubly difficult to pinpoint their contribution to problems in the relationship as they are usually unwilling to acknowledge responsibility. What then are the options for salvaging such a relationship?

Confrontation

There is no easy way around it. A selfish individual must be confronted with the truth of their behavior. Specific examples should be drawn to show how the offending spouse has continued to act in selfish and self-serving ways. The spouse who is constantly being hurt must also be honest and specific about how this behavior hurts or offends. While directness, assertiveness and clarity should characterize these confrontations, they should be done as much as possible without aggression or anger as this may serve to make matters worse.

Tough Love

The offended spouse should also be willing to establish “boundaries of intolerance”. In other words, he or she must be firm and clear on what behaviors will not be tolerated in the marriage repeatedly. “Tough love” also means redefining notions of love and loyalty. So often we are schooled into thinking that unconditional love means a willingness to accept whatever is dished out to us. The truth is, that while our love may not change because of our spouse’s “bad behavior”, we should still recognize that healthy self-love also means valuing ourselves enough to state what makes us unhappy. Very often abuse continues because we assume the role of helpless victim and our spouse is empowered by our weakness or lack of back-bone and the vicious cycle continues.

Intervention

Very often the truth is established among more than one “witness”. When all else fails, the offended spouse should seek intervention from a third-party be it a counselor, therapist, pastor, family member or trusted friend. Valuable input from a third-party who is divorced from the day-to-day realities of the couple’s challenges, but can look at them objectively, may play a vital role in challenging the narcissist to see his/her behavior as offending. This admittedly may be no easy feat, as we often become comfortable with our own negative behavior, especially when it has been tolerated for a long time. Nonetheless, seeking assistance from others can only be a valuable strategy in the long term.

Mutual Responsibility and Modeling

While it is so easy to point the finger at someone who we think is perpetuating all or most of the undesirable behavior in a relationship, the truth is that both parties usually contribute in some way to the dysfunction. Narcissists can continue to “thrive” in their relationships because very often their behavior is enabled by a partner who lacks self-esteem, who is afraid to be confrontational or who is simply too plain lazy to do anything about the challenges faced. Both parties must be willing to assume personal responsibility in the relationship, which means a willingness for the offended spouse to see where he or she has also done wrong. Third-party intervention is often critical in pointing this out or in facilitating this. While our natural human response in a relationship crisis is sometimes to seek revenge, adopting an attitude of “tit-for-tat” will be counterproductive. At the same time, the partner who appears to have a more mature outlook or the one who seeks to initiate change must also be prepared to model the behavior, which he/she wants to see.

Beyond Relationship Pain to Personal Power

Okay; so that man or that woman did you wrong. Well maybe that’s not so okay, but the reality is that as long as we are in a relationship, we are going to experience some pain. Things definitely do not always go smoothly in love-land. So what exactly should we do when we find ourselves deep in the throes of relationship pain or anguish? We have a choice among several responses which will more or less determine how well we are able to cope with the seeming injustices of relationships. Of course I’m in no way suggesting that all relationship infractions are equal; breaking a date, constantly leaving the toilet seat up and being unfaithful are all distinct issues with varying levels of gravity. When an action or behavior by our spouse causes us to experience feelings of rejection, low self-esteem, extreme irritation or bitter disappointment, it’s within our power to determine where we will allow these experiences to take us.

The Pity Party

When we are hurt or angry, feeling sorry for ourselves can be fairly valuable; for about two minutes. We need that much time to hunch our shoulders, bite our lips and concentrate on our pain; before we decide what we’re going to do about it. This pseudo-comfort which a pity party allows is actually quite short-lived. There is perhaps nothing as dis-empowering as wallowing in a place of self-pity for too long. When we do this we are seeing ourselves as victims, as weak, as powerless and even sometimes as deserving of the “punishment” we are enduring. In a pity-party we don’t only own our pain (as we should) but we hold on to it for dear life. We come to identify ourselves by it and see ourselves only through the lens of our relationship pain or dissatisfaction. Ultimately, this is counter-productive and inhibits us from moving into action.

Revenge Mode

There is a very common human emotion which encourages us to want that “eye for an eye”. When we have been hurt and we are in the throes of pain sometimes we can be motivated to retaliate by causing similar hurt to our partners. It is not always literally feasible to perhaps do the same thing that was done to us but the objective of dwelling in this mode, is to try to damage our partner’s psyche as much as ours has been. Usually this is an extreme response to deep pain caused by infidelity or some other really serious infraction. Some actually do cheat or at least flirt in return for their experience of infidelity. For other infractions, there may be angry, insensitive words hurled at the offending partner, the withholding of sex or affectionate gestures, the withdrawal of financial support or even an act of secretive, wild spending, where the family funds, personal account or credit card are splurged. These responses are of course surface responses to deeper issues and may only bring momentary satisfaction. They are incapable of addressing the real problem of relationship pain and what caused it.

Stonewalling

Somehow, some of us believe that remaining silent, while fuming and seething on the inside, is self-empowering. Because we are not crying, ranting, raving or throwing things, we deceive ourselves into thinking that we have a handle on our difficult emotions and that we are somehow large and in charge. Actually, we couldn’t be farther from the truth. Refusing to talk about the things which our partner or spouse does that irritate us, only serves to give those things more power over us. When an issue remains un-discussed and unsettled, it retains the power to shape our thinking, feelings and emotions. This is why individuals who refuse to vent, tend to suffer from raised blood pressure. Just imagine, poor relationship habits can actually affect our health. While there may be critical times in our lives when silence may indeed be golden, a relationship confrontation or problem is not one of those times. Stonewalling represents a certain character weakness and a tacit refusal to confront issues.

Claiming Personal Power

Seizing personal power out of relationship difficulties sounds wonderful and resonates with a certain political correctness; it is, however, no mean feat. This preferred response often involves admitting personal weakness and exposing our own vulnerability. We have to be willing first to admit that what our partner has done or neglected to do caused us pain. Sometimes we even have to admit our own part in the problem. Whether we communicate this calmly or with loads of emotion, we must be willing to share our real feelings. This is the beginning of our own healing. While we cannot control what someone else does to us, we can control our responses to it. This brings us to the need to assume personal responsibility for our relationship well-being.

Assuming responsibility does not mean that we can manipulate our partner into doing whatever we what him/her to do. Nor does it signify that there is any secret behavior which we can do, which guarantees that our partner will never hurt us again (how I abhor those articles and books which make these false promises).  Rather, it means that we are responsible for communicating honestly our feelings and our expectations. Even though I promote relationship education and believe that we should “clear the air” on certain issues even before getting together, the truth is that relationships are on-going and developmental. There will always be the need to grow, change and make adjustments; no matter how many relationship seminars we attend!

Seizing personal power also involves being willing to share our challenges and our ineptitudes with others. Admitting to friends and family that our relationship is far from perfect can be a cry for a help or a source of encouragement to others who may also feel that they are going through difficulties alone. It means admitting being wrong. It means being willing to acknowledge that we don’t know everything. More so, it involves using our relationship challenges as a learning curve to catapult us into better relationship practices.

If we truly want a healthier relationship, these best-practices should involve:

• Practicing greater openness with our partner; this means making communication sessions a regular feature of the relationship
• Communicating expectations in a non-threatening way; for example “Having a date with you once a week will help me to feel closer to you” instead of the anger filled sentence: “You never carry me anywhere.”
• Owning our pain without accusation by utilizing “I” statements, for example,: “When you . . .  I feel undervalued” instead of “You don’t appreciate me.”
• Reading great books or articles on relationships together or if only one partner is a reader, using the subject matter as the basis for couple discussions
• Complimenting each other or showing appreciation when something is done right in the relationship
• Practicing random acts of kindness; for example, delivering flowers outside of special dates like Valentine’s or birthdays, paying for a spa-day for our spouse, making breakfast, rubbing tired feet at night, doing a body massage with no “sexpectation” (if you get lucky well so be it), buying a special item for our spouse which we know he/she had an eye on for a while
• Spending valuable time together just connecting and having fun
• Setting up clear boundaries for the things we will absolutely not tolerate in the relationship, like infidelity, abuse or any form of dishonesty
• Accessing help from a counselor, pastor, mentor or friend when we think that things are way over the top and that we are clearly not coping

Getting to this point of positive relationship practices, is however not automatic. We must be proactive and willing to do whatever is necessary to breed a healthy relationship, even before the challenges come. This means knowing the pulse beat of our relationship by living in the moments and not avoiding them. Ultimately, when we are open about our pain, and seek help, we begin the cycle of relationship renewal.

If Vaginas Could Talk They Would Never Shut Up

Reblogged from redredapples:

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No I haven’t gone off my rockers. But I am quite taken by the idea of the Vagina Monologues: a series of reflective, dramatised, “speeches” which more or less trace the experiences and psychology of the vagina. These monologues express and reveal every nuance of a woman’s sexuality from pain and abuse, to surprise and divine pleasure.

As women we have come to associate our vagina with a representation of our sexuality.

Read more… 793 more words

Does Size Really Matter?

Some of you might be a bit disappointed because this is definitely NOT going to be another article about penis size. But let not your heart be troubled; do read on. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed for too long.

I recently did an interview with Sexuality and Relationship Therapist Rebecca Rosenblat, on her television talk-show Sex @ 11 With Rebecca, on Rogers TV, Toronto. Before I actually came on air, she was responding to an e mail and seeking to reassure one of her viewers, who had been grappling with a poor body image and an insensitive partner. Rebecca’s statement that “Fat is not the Kryptonite of sex!” immediately peaked my interest and actually inspired this article. For those of us who have been following the adventures of Superman over the years, we well understand the impact of Kryptonite on Clarke Kent’s ability to be super and strong. But does “fat” have a similar impact on our sexuality, our sense of our sexual selves, our body image or on our partner’s ability to enjoy our bodies? Now unapologetically I say it most certainly does! Not however because of some intrinsic flaw inherent in having a few pounds or curves. While “fat” in no way inhibits our ability to be sexy or to enjoy a good roll in the hay, what we think about it often does.

Ultimately sexiness is a state of mind.

We are inundated mercilessly with media images which seek to convince us that a truly sexy woman must be a size six or under. All the stars of the really great romantic comedies, of every romantic novel and of all the music videos we watch, have a particular body type. This says nothing about the magazine cover-girls and poster girls of Weight-Watchers®, like Jennifer Hudson. Suddenly Ms. Hudson is now “living the life” and “looking like a blast” according to the media-validation and hype which now comes her way on account of her moving from a size sixteen to a six. (We wonder what her fans really thought of her before). While I’m most definitely not knocking Ms. Hudson, weight-loss (could definitely shed me some pounds) or a healthy lifestyle, it is apparent that the media convinces most of us that thinner is sexier; and we believe the crap!

Now to the million dollar questions: Can a woman be “fat” and sexy? And does size really matter when it comes to our emotional and sexual health?  Honestly, I do believe that we should all strive to be our better selves. That often includes shedding some pounds, getting into an exercise regimen, eating more balanced and healthy meals and spending more time getting adequate rest and relaxation. In an ideal world; this is where we would all like to be. Being our better self (since there’s always room for improvement), however, also includes knowing who we are outside the definitions of media, family, friends or sexual partners. It is also true that today’s “fat” and “plus-sized” is yesterday’s voluptuous. (Studies actually show that the average woman is a fourteen and not a four).

Each human being is special and unique. As women, we need to feel comfortable with our own sense of style and with our expression of our sexuality. This is going to be very difficult to accomplish, however, if we are constantly beating ourselves up because we don’t look like someone else’s version of sexiness. Yes, I’m entitled to feel great if I’ve set myself a weight-loss target and then accomplished it. But should weight-loss define my happiness and sense of self? Of course there are loads of women with metabolic, thyroid or other medical issues which may make obesity and required weight-loss a challenge. But even for those women, it is important to find and validate the self. At the end of the day, while our bodies are our windows to the world, we are in many ways not just a body. There is personality; essence, mind, soul and spirit.

Losing weight to make YOU healthier or to feel more energized is actually great. Doing it to “fit in”, to please or to keep your partner, is another thing altogether. If a woman needs to move from an eighteen, sixteen, or fourteen to a six, to feel that she has suddenly struck gold as an individual, chances are, her sense of validation is flawed, shallow and dependent upon externals. Anything will shake the foundation of a woman who can only feel fabulous when her dress size conforms to the media stereotypes. Yes, every woman loves a great make-over. No woman can deny that we feel sexier in a new outfit, with a new hairdo or with a fresh manicure. We feel ready to take on the world and then some but if we can’t leave home without the make-up or the weave, then something is inherently wrong with our self-image. This is what is damaging to our sexiness.

There are many full-figured, voluptuous women, who have never been without a partner or who are happily married and sexually fulfilled. What attracts a man to a woman is not the number on her dress tag but her wonderful personality and sense of sexual self-confidence. This is what makes a woman riveting and unforgettable. The woman who turns heads as she enters a room exudes an aura which says “I know I look good and I really don’t care what you think!” No matter what size you are as a woman, learn to do you to the max, as you engage your incredible sexual energy in positive ways.

Here are seven helpful tips that will hopefully make this happen:

• Strip naked and look at yourself in a mirror. Decide what you like and affirm yourself eg “I love my butt”, “I have great legs/breasts” etc. If there is stuff that you would love to change, devise a realistic plan and timeline to make that change a reality. If you’re totally happy with what you see, more power to you diva!
• Do NOT beat up on yourself if your planned changes do not emerge as you would like them; know that you are great; regardless.
• Think about your core personality and of the things that you feel passionate about. Find ways to engage your passion and your dreams. When we are emotionally fulfilled because we are connected with our purpose, it shows up in our walk and our talk; instant sexiness!
• Treat yourself to a “spa-day”, even if done at home; a facial, manicure, pedicure, hair-conditions, re-braiding or perm can go a long way to boost how you feel about yourself. See these things, however, as enhancers of the real you and resist the temptation to be totally defined by them.
• If you are in a committed relationship or marriage, discuss the concerns you may have about your body-image with your spouse but “own” your own body and the decisions that you make to improve it.
• Do not accept emotional abuse from your spouse, family members or friends on issues of weight gain. Those who truly respect you will lovingly affirm you, despite what you look like.  When advice is offered or concern expressed, it should be non-threatening, non-derisive and sensitively communicated. Abuse that becomes defining or over-bearing in an intimate relationship or marriage, warrants the intervention of a Counselor, Pastor or Therapist. Do not tolerate this as normal.
• Ultimately sexiness is a state of mind. Learn to love yourself, warts and all, by affirming that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and by thinking positive, sexual thoughts. A woman who loves herself is ready for some good loving and the terrific sex to follow.

Are You a Sexual Terrorist?

Some of us have become locked into the practice of navigating our relationship strictly on our own terms. As a result, we have literally taken the “relate” out of the figurative “ship”, and what we are left with is a lopsided union which is quickly sinking. Relationships, by the very word, should be built on the concept of mutuality. This suggests a need for communication, dialogue and compromise. It means thinking in terms of a union or partnership to ensure that both individual’s needs are met or fulfilled. While selfishness in a relationship can be experienced in all quarters, it is perhaps nowhere as glaring or troublesome, as in the sexual department.

Sexuality in our postmodern age has most decidedly taken on an assertive have-my-needs-met-at-all-costs bent which screams at us from the covers of most magazines. While in some respects this may be great and should guard against things like sexual abuse in relationships, as with any new movement, too far east, is usually west. Yes, I am most definitely all for personal empowerment and the like but as a counselor and observer of human behavior, I am seeing a quality which for the purposes of our discussion I will name “sexual terrorism” (thanks to Danielle Norris for coining the term).

Now the sexual terrorist doesn’t actually hold a weapon to your head to have sex; at least not a physical one. Through the use of “emotional weapons” like overt demands, manipulations, angry complaints, put downs, threats, and the withdrawal of attention/affection; sexual terrorists attempt to control the sexual relationship so as to ensure that their every sexual demand is met. In an extreme scenario, violence could also be used. The sexual terrorist is more obsessed with his/her own needs than with a relationship which focusses on meeting the needs of their partner. Now before you accuse me of being a backward thinker, I have no problem with sexual assertiveness or with the celebration of individual sexuality. I am not suggesting that it is not important to desire sexual pleasure and fulfillment but if sex is all that defines a relationship what will happen if or when that desire starts to wane? Moreover, if sex is going to be all about one individual’s needs at the expense of another’s happiness, why don’t people just masturbate and call it a day?

Without having to fully dissect the topic of masturbation, some of us know intuitively that as instructive as some may tout masturbation to be, it could never be enough. The experience of sexual release does not take care of the problem of relational loneliness and the desire for meaningful human connection.  So why don’t the sexual terrorists among us get this? To be fair, some of us may just have been born with a selfish streak, which turns up, guns blazing, in our intimate relationships. Others may have had failed sexual encounters in the past which sort of “spoiled” them and made them intent never to be left wanting again. Others, through poor modeling, may just believe that being sexually assertive means catering to “numero uno”. Some with deeper emotional issues may even use sex as a form of escapism, resulting in obsessive/compulsive/addictive sexual behaviour. This can take its toll on the other partner who may lack sleep or adequate rest, as a result of these seemingly unquenchable demands.

There is a peculiar phenomenon among women today, who while grasping their sexual liberation with both hands, seem not to care what is lost in the process. So what was once categorized as shallow, selfish, “male behavior” is now being embraced by some women in a case of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”. As a consequence, far more women are hooking up for what they term “meaningless sex”. Even in relationships, they have become more obsessed with their multi-orgasmic potential or with their ability to “shejaculate”, in an attempt to match the national average. While I am not discrediting a search for more passionate ways to enjoy sex, we must not forget that a sexual relationship is also about giving; not just taking.

We were created as relational beings that derive social and emotional satisfaction from connecting with others. The concept of searching for and finding “the one” and then of “living happily ever after” exists in the fairy-tales and chick-flicks for a reason. It reflects an eternal, instinctive desire at the heart of the human being for meaning in life and relationships. Brain hormones like Oxytocin, which are released at birth and through the nursing of infants, are in fact also released through hugging, kissing and sexual intimacy. So from birth to adulthood, our hormones are directing us to connect or bond; not to pursue our own gratification selfishly.

So what happens when we go against this natural grain? What occurs when we become so obsessed with sexual pleasure, that the search for it ignores this human need and supersedes basic common sense, reason, good-judgment or values? What happens when we attempt to substitute the orgasm for a basic human need called love? What in fact happens is that people become reduced to genitals. What happens is that we objectify body parts and begin to reference sex in immature ways like “it”, “piece”, or ‘some”. Every woman becomes a walking vagina and every man a potential penis (never mind those who claim to like this) and then we wonder why we hop from relationship to relationship in a vicious cycle of dissatisfaction!

Could it be that we’re aiming for the wrong thing in search of a basic human need? Even the age old relationship question has changed from “are you the one I want to spend the rest of my life with?” to “are you the one I want to have sex with for the rest of my life?” This question suggests that if the sex isn’t good, then there’s little hope for the relationship. Men have even taken to sexting their genitals to women as a point of introduction. The underlying idea, flawed though it may be, seems to be that if a woman likes the look of the penis, she will likely give the man the time of day. Which man’s character can be accurately judged by the look of his penis? And for those who say such relationships are just about the sex and nothing more, try telling that to the press. Unfortunately, our character can never be dislodged from our sexual escapades; just ask Bill Clinton or Tiger Woods!

If you’ve evidenced any of this behavior first hand, chances are you are all too aware of the person of whom I speak. Maybe you’ve been sexually self-obsessed and are tired of the lack of relationship satisfaction you have been experiencing. Maybe the following can assist you in re-evaluating your current relationship philosophy. Most times it takes reflection, evaluation and even counseling intervention, to help us become more sexually whole or balanced individuals:

1. Sex, as great as it is, can never be a substitute for feelings of value and self-worth. Your sexual identity is critical but you are not your vagina or penis.
2. Relationships exist for mutual sharing not for bullying, coercing or dominating the will of another.
3. It is important to respect your partner’s sexual choices and preferences.
4. Catering to your partner’s sexual needs, as well as having your own needs met, is critical to a balanced relationship.
5. A difference in sex drive is not an excuse for infidelity; relationships must be built on compromise and trust from both individuals.
6. Your partner is not responsible for “giving you an orgasm”. Your sexual climax is primarily dependent upon your own thinking and feelings about sex, as well as on the understanding of how your body responds.
7. Withholding displays of love and affection in an attempt to punish your partner is insensitive and immature.
8. Withholding sex or using it as a reward or promise for “good behavior” demeans the significance of the act to you and your spouse.
9. Expecting ‘sex-on-demand’ at all costs and fuming or pouting if is not had, is childish behavior which is completely unattractive and is likely to negatively impact your marriage.
10. An addictive/compulsive dependence on sex, may signal a need for counselling or therapy.
11. Kindness and thoughtfulness, as genuine displays of affection, can be the most powerful precursors to a sexually satisfying relationship.